Gray green swirls
local inhabitants flee
All alone she stands.
A beauty to me
But many won't know her
Nestled among the plants
Below the glittering overhead.
It took years to find her
Now there she is
Perfect still, after all this time
Waiting for me, it seems
She stays in limbo.
Author notes
finalist
A contest entry
- Final Option - Finalist - Open to all by Florida Sunshine.
1150 points, ended September 7, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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My official review of your poem in the contest. Because this is a 'final' contest, I am feel I should be as strict as I can be in looking over every aspect of the poetry presented. I have never claimed to be an expert in any of the categories, however I have been learning a great deal over the last few months. Not only did I want to challenge you [the poet] but myself as a judge.
Below I've made the ruling/score in regards to the points. If you disagree with any of my reasoning please 'reply' to the comment made – with “Challenge” and explain where you feel my assessment is wrong, if I agree with your argument I will change the score. I'm never to proud to admit when I'm wrong. If I feel I am still correct I will bring in a 2nd judge to make the final decision to a change. This final judge will be through my grammar group.
Your Scores:
Finalist -- 10/10 points - Congratulations on making it to the final round of the option contest. I am happy you decided to join us.
Use of Prompt - 25/25 Points – Timeless – To me I took this as 'Abstract'; being a bit metaphoric. I stated in the beginning of the contest to think deeper... you've accomplished this. Though, it may not had been how you intended it, I took the meaning of your poem to reflect the indecision of someone you love to love you back, which could seem like an eternity. Excellent job – thus so far out of the ones I've read the best in this category.
Poetic Form – 20/20 points – This is regards to the actual structure of the poem. This poem is appears to be a free write. Through my experience I've learned free writes does allow an open forum to present poetry in a vast number of ways. However, it uses certain words to 'pack' the punch to the line. [What I thought was an easy form, I discovered is a tad more difficult keeping that in mind.] I feel you've accomplish this.
Use of Grammar - 5/10 Points – The capitalization on the words at the beginning of each line I wanted to take as poetically written on purpose, however I noted you didn't capitalize each line. As the periods would indicate this write has only three sentences. The 1st stanza is perfect, it is the 2nd stanza you didn't follow the same structure.
Spelling - 10/10 points - Perfect!
Overall Presentation 17/25 points – The background and fonts are simple and readable. Throughout the judging most folks had opted not to use a background to accent the poetry. You've chosen the flowing water or 'water' as the background. I don't think this was the best choice since the poem is about someone who is lingering or in limbo [your words]. Though it is just my opinion the black background with the star-burst on left side may had been a better choice. [The black hole...again reflecting limbo] as standing. The water is more flowing or movement occurring. -- Now, I'm asking myself if maybe this is done on purpose as an oxymoron.
Your total score is 87
I do appreciate your participation. It was a welcome pleasure to read and review your work. I think you did a terrific job!
Best of luck to you,
Florida Sunshine
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challenge
To be honest, a sunken ship was the inspiration. The "Me" is a diver who has discovered it, and the "her" is the actual ship. That's why I chose the water background.
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