"Honey,Dont call me right now
I am busy in an important meeting
I Dont have much time"
Thats more or less the same thing
I keep hearing every now and then
while I need you...Want you
You are busy earning money
I never complain,I never fought
For I understood you had no time
But what i did not understand was
'Not one call' when I was so sick
I waited each day for your call
That you would take some time for me
I waited because I loved you alot
And I knew that you loved me alot too
Days went by and we said just 'hi' and 'hello'
You had no time for long conversation
That was exactly wanted I needed
To let you know "I have No time"
While you were busy in your work
You had no time for me
Thats when I knew in my heart
I had not much time with me
So baby I know you love me
But this is my life's bitter truth
I dont have much time
Author notes
FINALIST
A contest entry
- Final Option - Finalist - Open to all by Florida Sunshine.
1150 points, ended September 7, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I need real comments
Comments
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My official review of your poem in the contest. Because this is a 'final' contest, I am feel I should be as strict as I can be in looking over every aspect of the poetry presented. I have never claimed to be an expert in any of the categories, however I have been learning a great deal over the last few months. Not only did I want to challenge you [the poet] but myself as a judge.
Below I've made the ruling/score in regards to the points. If you disagree with any of my reasoning please 'reply' to the comment made – with “Challenge” and explain where you feel my assessment is wrong, if I agree with your argument I will change the score. I'm never to proud to admit when I'm wrong. If I feel I am still correct I will bring in a 2nd judge to make the final decision to a change. This final judge will be through my grammar group.
Your Scores:
Finalist -- 10/10 points - Congratulations on making it to the final round of the option contest. I am happy you decided to join us.
Use of Prompt - 5/25 Points – Timeless – Love has been consistently the theme regarding timeless, however I honestly couldn't find that 'love' within your write. It speaks of two people who are together, but still through all, he is never there. Even when she is sick/dying he is not there. Passing away-- carrying 'her' love for him. The poem is quite sad in a lot of ways. Maybe the title “I loved you solely, forever” or “Solely Forever” would had worked. But, love requires two people to give it. In my opinion if only one person loves another they'd [society] calls them a stalker. Food for thought, maybe?
Poetic Form – 20/20 points – This is regards to the actual structure of the poem. This poem is appears to be a free write. Through my experience I've learned free writes does allow an open forum to present poetry in a vast number of ways. However, it uses certain words to 'pack' the punch to the line. [What I thought was an easy form, I discovered is a tad more difficult keeping that in mind.] I feel you've accomplish this.
Use of Grammar - 5/10 Points – The capitalization on the words 'Don't' I did not count against you, because I felt you wrote it for a poetic purpose. However, after each comma you failed to put a space. In the 2nd stanza you have a pause '...' follow by a word that has a cap. If ending the sentence with a long pause it should have had four and not three dots/periods.... I used to do the same thing. You opted not to use a period to indicate the start and stop of each sentence, but a capitalization at the beginning of each sentence. I assumed this was done for poetic purposes and not held against you. I'm learning grammar and poetry can be much more flexible. Finally, the tenses of some of your words are incorrect and should had been past tense.
Spelling - 5/10 points - You have a couple of spelling errors. 1st stanza 'Dont' is Don't. In the 3rd stanza you have 'i' and should be capped 'I'. The 4th stanza 'a lot' is two words not one.
Overall Presentation 20/25 points – The background and fonts are simple and readable. I do realize not everyone has a gold membership to get all the bells and whistles to go with their poetry, and most times it isn't needed let the poetry speak for itself. Your poem accomplishes that using the black background to focus the reader to the words. Nice job! -- Overall enjoyed reading the poem.
Your total score is 65
I do appreciate your participation. It was a welcome pleasure to read and review your work. I think you did a terrific job!
Best of luck to you,
Florida Sunshine
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I know I read this I didn't comment? Well great job on this piece keep writing.
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