Look past me,
or through...
give me all the courtesy
of a pane of glass,
perhaps then I'll see the silver.
What would I even say
to your perfection?
Would I stumble?
flail helplessly,
and hope for pity?
Lose myself?
Like the keys in my front pocket,
to the mess of my upturned drawers...
Instead, manufacture something grander
from pieces of my own forgotten grandness?
perhaps...
a failing David,
chipped hastily from my Stonehenge?
Perhaps I missed the point.
Perhaps I missed true perfection.
Maybe it isn't hidden away,
behind your blue sky eyes,
at the check-stand across from me...
who are you, anyway?
If my dream of you is perfection,
then perfection lives within that dream...
within me.
Author notes
Have you ever felt so instantly physically attracted to someone, and felt so wholly inadequate as a result?
Why does raising YOU up, bring ME down?
Where does it take you?
Comments
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I like the building effect that this has with the emotion seeming to peak in the third stanza. Love the metaphors you used in that stanza, especially
a failing David,
chipped hastily from my Stonehenge?
This has a light, euphoric feel...which is completely appropriate for that "love at first sight" experience. Or attraction at first sight to reference your author notes. And yes!!! I love when that happens to answer the question you pose in your an.
Perhaps this is just me, but somehow the final line of this is somewhat anti-climactic? What do you think. I'm not saying I have any suggestions for improving it, but it wasn't as satisfying as I hoped. I know I'm not explaining this well (probably because I don't really understand my reaction). Then again, maybe that is a really good way to end this particular poem as it would tie in with that "what if" feeling one gets when so forcefully attracted to a stranger.
I am reminded of a talk show I saw years ago in which various couples were discussing how they first met. One very attractive, lovely, articulate couple saw each other on the subway and the man said the only thing he could think of to say, just before he exited the car, was, "Will you marry me?"
She said "Yes." She said if she didn't see him again, well, he made her day, but if she did he'd better watch out because he proposed and she accepted!
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ooo
liked
give me all the courtesy
of a pane of glass,
lose myself?
Like the keys in my front pocket,
to the mess of my upturned drawers...
something quite universal in the mess of your upturned drawers and the lost keysthe tone of this is so soft and jumbled
Instead, manufacture something grander.
..
perhaps...
a failing David,
chipped hastily from my Stonehenge?
i really liked the simple analysis of your perception in the last 2 stanzasi found the second stanza the weakest, though it read well, smoothly, and seemed necessary, it didnt offer as much as the others though i liked the queation 'What would I even say
to your perfection?'
overall its real, universal, its meaningful and the whole piece reads soft relaxedthe feel of its not really awkward or inadequate at all
i mean i have this vision of you sitting looking at some chiselled god for some reason,
but it doesnt totally read like you dont have a chance
i dont know what im trying to say
i mean theres a failing David buried in your stonehenge, but its still a David...right?
i may be WUI (writing under the influence)
i must say it certainly kept me occupied for ages-though that may have been the pot and the fact i wondered how hard it would be to actually chip a david out of stonehenge, which meant i had to find out what stonehenge was made of, and anyway after some difficult research ive come to the satisfying and informed conclusion that it would take the same time or a bit longer than marble
i have to give you 3 mainly for the hastily chipped David from your Stonehenge
great lineFry
any any time
any any thing
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