Standing with my back against my locker,
trembling knees; my tiny palms far from dry,
a boy, no taller than me, whispered
"I love you, Serene, will you be mine?"
Standing first in a long line of people,
people I know as my friends.
My parents smiling up at me, cameras ready,
as my teacher gives me a paper, and shakes my hand.
Standing with the sea in front of me,
under a sweet sunset, in such bliss.
The crowd behind me cheers as the priest says,
"I pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss."
Laying in a hospital bed, reeling from pain.
Then it all somehow quickly subsides, I think,
how can I feel pain in this beautiful moment while
staring, for the first time, into my baby's blue eyes?
Laying still in a beautiful white coffin,
as the people I love throw roses into my grave.
I try to tell them not to cry for me,
to remember our love and be brave.
First times are always eternal,
like a beautiful timeless treasure.
In my heart, in my mind, in my soul,
and it is the soul that lives forever.
So that is what timeless means,
it is every sweet experience we give.
Living without stop signs and tears;
understanding life is the eternity we live.
Author notes
finalist
A contest entry
- Final Option - Finalist - Open to all by Florida Sunshine.
1150 points, ended September 7, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Love this too...
Intelligent, thought-provoking & profound...
contemplative, reflective & incredibly moving...
Flows wonderfully with some intriguing wordplay/choice/use...
Well done!!!
-
My official review of your poem in the contest. Because this is a 'final' contest, I am feel I should be as strict as I can be in looking over every aspect of the poetry presented. I have never claimed to be an expert in any of the categories, however I have been learning a great deal over the last few months. Not only did I want to challenge you [the poet] but myself as a judge.
Below I've made the ruling/score in regards to the points. If you disagree with any of my reasoning please 'reply' to the comment made – with “Challenge” and explain where you feel my assessment is wrong, if I agree with your argument I will change the score. I'm never to proud to admit when I'm wrong. If I feel I am still correct I will bring in a 2nd judge to make the final decision to a change. This final judge will be through my grammar group.
Your Scores:
Finalist -- 10/10 points - Congratulations on making the final round, I'm glad you were inspired to enter.
Use of Prompt - 25/25 Points – Timeless – I do think that someones life can fall timeless in our minds, hearts and souls. How life touches another life especially from parents to children and/or husband and wife. I have experienced both.
Poetic Form – 15/20 points – This is regards to the actual structure of the poem. It appeared as a free write style. What I've learned from writing free verse is you use words to 'pack' the punch. In your 3rd stanza you rhymed the 2nd and 4th lines. [perhaps unintentionally]. But it stands out drawing the focus within the entire write. -5.
Use of Grammar - 5/10 Points – Your poem is beautifully written, but you have over-used the 'comma.' Not all lines must end with a comma. You did choose 'not' to end with a comma on one line simply because you were using the comma after the first word on the next line. [Which is perfectly fine.] When you write a line
then move to the next
line it is fine to continue
without a comma.
When you write this way you want the reader to continue to read without pausing. The term for this is called an enjambment.
Spelling - 10/10 points - Perfect!
Overall Presentation 20/25 points – I loved the background you've placed with the poem and making the font color exactly the same as the flowered border. I loved how you carry the reader through the complete cycle of life. You did a terrific job!
Your total score is 85
I do appreciate your participation. It was a welcome pleasure to read and review your work. I think you did a terrific job!
Best of luck to you,
Florida Sunshine
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