there were times
when steam rose
from a cup of you
flowing freely,
thoughts spilled
from your mouth
before logic cooled words
now, you brew
in your own making,
silence chilling bones
Author notes
Option: 16. Cacophony
In a list
A contest entry
- A Penman's Progeny- Quicky PIF by CarolDesjarlais.
525 points, ended August 22, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Celebration- 100 Word/Title Prompts! by Metaphorist.
600 points, ended September 28, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Ooo. This reminds me a lot of something I would write. Love it! Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Ohhhhhh you just described how I am when I am angry...that cool quiet.... well done!!
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Yep. That was the problem.
Now it works perfectly and I say that
with the utmost confidence.
I think it will fair well in the
contest...At least, I hope it does.
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I did feel like the "ing" sounds in the piece here and there were repeated a bit too close for my liking...Like in that second stanza, but not so much in the last. It just comes at you quite quick and I think there could be an easier way to transition, without relying on sound as much...At least, when you are reading something out loud, that is. I love that first stanza though and the steam rising was a good choice. I loved most of the imagery, but just had a slight problem with the use of "ing" words...Which is always a peeve of mine really and it probably doesn't bother you...LOL.
I like this very much though.
It's exact and quite focused work.
;
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Indeed it is a wicked web that foolish men weave for themselves and those they seek to own. I too have witnessed the piety of those who displaced others in their lives for one's who took and never gave. For if stupidity were fireworks, each man could give his own display at new years for five to six hours straight, perhaps longer? Nice write crazy Oz gal
len
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ooooooo I loved this prompt and had hoped someone would choose it! IT was my second choice, but you did it real GOOD! You took the prompt, wrote of words spoken in haste, and there was a morale to this poem! I learned a long time ago to think before inserting foot in mouth. LOved the ending. MY ex is with this person's, brewing unhappiness, and still mouthing insane cacophony!
Thank you for choosing this one! Great job.
Linda
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oh boy, does that sound familiar... my ex is in the same situation... foolish man! couldn't be happier for him. lol
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Oh a very clever take on the prompt. Loved that hot/cold metaphor stuff!
All the best with thisAwesome!
gaylene
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Mmmm brrrr chilly ending but I gots heat here now so all is good
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