A Moonlit Walk in Winter by Age of Rain at All poetry

& it shone
in your eyes:
the winking moon,
parted by a cloudy visage

transparent sparkles;
tinged tension rose
along your porcelain touch

you broke me softly

glassy petals spread
in rosy array;
stained windows
etched
a silent caress.

we were
timeless;

two frosted sculptures
carved from waning
sand-

snowflakes flitted
off your nose

we may be frozen
but I was never

warmer

Author notes

Prompt: Romantic Love

A contest entry

Love II by blaq roze. 1000 points, ended August 20, 2008, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Critical Review Desired.

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
tara wilson
August 20, 2008
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this is gorgeous, I love it...congrats
A Lonely Soul
August 20, 2008

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The imagery was very lovely. This is a sweet romantic piece of work. Keep it up, great job.
~~Tori~~
charcoal
August 20, 2008
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your poem made me smile
yeah just like that
blaq roze
August 20, 2008
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good job
Joan-of-Arc
August 20, 2008
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'tis cute .

-joan.

.
Reptile Lady
August 20, 2008

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Beautiful my Nephew
love you write from the heart and imagery is wonderful
glassy petals spread
in rosy array;
stained windows
etched
a silent caress.

Best wishes to you hun
Much love
Auntie xx
PerfectImperfection
August 20, 2008

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This is truly such a beautiful piece of love composed within these lines. You have quite a way with words, but never cease to amaze me...

"tinged tension rose
along your porcelain touch

you broke me softly"

.. this brings that pain of love to mind for me, the feeling of heart's longing melded with the anticipation of touch ..

"we were
timeless;

two frosted sculptures
carved from waning
sand-"

.. this is just lovely, the affectation conceived that only love could tell ..

An excellent piece indeed!
raye-xotic
August 20, 2008

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Your imagery is punctuated by the words you've chosen, and that's always awesome.

The ending is especially good with contrasts with 'frozen' & 'warmer'.

I like this
-Raye.
notorious
August 20, 2008

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Okay first off, I like how it begins with "&". I always think it feels incomplete that way...because 'and' is usually used before something else...this incompleteness is intriguing in a good way.

It's as cool as beginning a poem with a simile!!

"winking moon"
I don't like gerunds, but I like personification, so I think that balances it out. Cool!

"transparent sparkling;"
No more gerunds for you!
Maybe something similar to:
"transparence (<--AP says it's not a word, it is!) sparkles" Or whatever...I don't like gerunds.
Although...I suppose you're allowed to like them.

"parted by a cloudy visage"
Hmm. This is very poetic...though 'parted' sounds dirty...then again, the prompt is romantic love.

"you broke me softly"
'broke' & 'softly' kinda contrast. Neato.

"glassy"
I think 'glassed' sounds stronger.

"stained glass windows"
Hmm. 'glassy' & 'glass' are very similar. Might want to rethink that, since it's not exactly a narrative prose-ishy poem.

"two frosted sculptures
carved from waning
sand-"
This is REALLY poetic & strong visually. Me likes...and no gerunds either!!

God, that ending is SO cheesy, but it's cleverly written. Good juxtapositions.

Good luck (:

,
Jessica
notorious
August 20, 2008
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I will be back...promise!
- Age of Rain
  August 20, 2008
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  heheh. you don't have to. this one is not my favorite of those I have written...