I sit among you,
quiet as a mouse I
sneak in each week
hoping that this will be the day
someone notices me.
I sit among you,
wishing the words would
find my tongue
so I could say hello.
Instead I blend into my chair.
I sit among you,
bitterly clinging to a wish
that someone would
pull me into that place of belonging.
Our time together ends,
and I leave in self pity,
chastising you in my head for your selfish disinterest.
After all, you roped me in what more do you care?
The thoughts are carefully aimed missiles at my fragile faith
And all the time I fail to realize,
that maybe you
feel like wallpaper too.
Author notes
I feel like my writing is slipping. How can I give this more pizazz and depth and make it less cliche without losing the message? Any ideas for metaphors that would work better than the mouse and the wallpaper?
Comments
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Hey there. I would do this. Go line through line and highlight all the cliches and try to twist them to make them unique. This technique wont necessarily make THIS particular poem better but it's a good exercise to try and break free from using cliches. Lets take an example of what I mean. "quiet as a mouse" is kind of shallow, maybe you can change the mouse to what animal resembled what you felt like at the time. Maybe you felt more like a rat than a mouse for being "selfish." Just a thought you might want to run with, try and play with your cliches. In the first run, just write whatever you feel. Then play with the words to get out the multiple layers behind what you felt. You'll usually find that this is a great technique for getting out more of what you feel down in poem.
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this is an excellent theme ... all of us feel isolation at some point in our lives.
one of the keys to this piece might be brevity ... isolation makes one feel cut, alone, cast off. maybe, just be in that brutal moment ... no metaphors, no explaining ... just feel the intensity of that isolation.
hope this helps.
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WOW!!
You know what,,
I have to say i felt like you were saying this for me.
This was absolutley beautiful.
Great job.
-Mandi
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Hello Sarah957.
To give it more pizazz and depth, and less cliche, you need to realise that the biggest truth you have, comes and is to yourself. Thus it is for you to dig deeper within yourself, and say it in a way only you can say it, for when you are utterly true to yourself, it is not cliche it is as unique as the person itself.
To aid you:
Why are you quiet?
What else makes no sound?
What makes no sound for similar reasons?
Why are you sneaking in?
What are the characteristics from the mouse and wallpaper are you looking for the reader to pick up on, and more importantly tie you to the aforementioned?
An expression is your own, thus I tend to correct spelling mistakes, punctuation, grammar, and things that read wrong, or perhaps could be done better, but not wholesale changes as then it isn't your write, and this is your write, your voice. Go within, and find your truth, unique to you. I wish you well. Let me know what you come up with, for I shall return.
My regards.
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... Well, I read that it is down to ourselves to find our sense and place of 'belonging' and can well relate to that state of feeling subjectively constricted when not feeling that and especially in the company of another who you care about. You cannot be with anything other than the sense of disconnected-ness because that is what that feeling is and it is only us that can leave it.
I would put something at the end like:
'And I realised that neither did I give you to yourself'
A thoughtful write and I agree with where I think it is going in meaning but yes... mmm maybe it is already there enough actually?
Sol
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Sol,
I feel that disconnected feeling with pretty much all groups of people. I think your right, its something in me. I wish I knew how to leave it behind!
I dont really like the ending I have so I will give some thought to your suggestion for wrapping things up.
Thanks for reading and for giving suggestions in your comment, suggestions are always appreciated.
Sarah
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I think that the writing is well done, deep, and I get the message - it's very well written.
"Instead I blend into my chair"
A fantastic line, I love how it stops the thoughts of the first two stanzas.
I'd suggest some grammar fixes, though. Some punctuation would make it look better as well as easier to read. For example, the first stanza could go something like this:
"I sit among you:
quiet as a mouse. I
sneak in each week,
hoping that this will be the day
someone notices me."
The colon in the first line could also be substituted for a hyphen or a comma; I just like colons lol, but either would work fine.
"I sit amoung you,
wishing the words would
find my tounge
so I could say hello."
Just the comma there makes it look better and easier to read. Just a little bit of editing like that would improve it a lot; also, spellchecking it.
It should be "tongue," "disintrest," "chastising," and "missiles."
I love the last stanza - it pulls the poem together with a twist and ends it perfectly.
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Thank you dolls-x for the compliment and especially for editing, its very much appreciated
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