you're crying because
you don't like raspberry jam
or because you didn't get any raisins
in your cereal (but i did)
crying because
you hurt yourself,
your headband keeps falling out
or the weather is wrong.
somehow its my fault
again.
i try to give,
im flooding you with my love
i breath my sympathy into you
until i feel dizzy.
i tell you you're beautiful
(because you really are)
& you bend & break my heart
with your tears.
your legs
they dance like you are part deer
you extend like starlight
straight through the walls.
(the body is an instrument, its like dynamite)
please stop sobbing
it makes me feel helpess
your mood bites my chest out
my bones are aching.
an invisible waterfall
plunges you into misery
suddenly im left with
your drowned remains.
(paralyzed,
way way down there)
its hard to find you
in the rocks
but i do.
then, i rejuvinate you
with my blood &
determination.
then i'll climb on your back
& we'll fly up that waterfall
(i live for this)
you're an unpredictable girl
worth more than the world.
Author notes
but one day you'll have to save me
im running out of blood.
Uhh about my best friend again. She has been so down, its been hurting me a lot. But i cheered her up a bit today i think. I hope<3. I just wish she could see how much she hurts other people with her temper sometimes. But she's my everything.
♥
A contest entry
- Patron PIF by onerios13.
3500 points, ended September 17, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
never surrender.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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i love poems about her. they really bring out true great emotion. this is lovely, thanks for entering. but remember that tay comes first.
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<33thank you so much. Yes, I think she is what makes the most emotion come out of me. Her, & dance probably. & most of the time they go together anyway♥.
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the first 'your' is 'you're' right? really liked the first stanza-just grasping at straws here but it seems like simple things or really anything seemed to upset her and you were to blame? but you also want to help her. the rejuvenating with blood and determination is beautiful and the last stanza reminds me of that kt tunstall song from the devil wears prada
<3love this
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doood i like fixed it while you were commenting! Sorry i was just like reconstructing the beginning there you probably read it like...mid-finished. Just that first part.
Yes you totaaally got the beginning. She always blames me or other people when she gets frustrated & its like the wierdest things that upset her. I think she just like thinks about little things until they like get SO blown out of proportion & then every little thing is SUCH a huge deal. She's just very emotional.
I'm happy you saw the hope in the end yeah, I was totally like remembering my love for her there =P. Thanks for reading ♥.
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The "you" repetition in that first stanza got a little bothersome, but other than this, it is quite fine writing. I get a deep sense of actual surrendering here...Though I know that you say "never surrender" in the notes describing the poem. But I deeply felt a sense of longing and perhaps, even slight regret. The last stanza and stanza three, were perfectly penned. Some of this I didn't quite grasp...But I think it's because it is so entirely personal, that the poems nature starts to exceed my expectation of the words. I think I know this feeling though...This loss of someone to time and perhaps, a bit of us is lost with it.
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okay there is still a LOT of you but i tried? Tell me if it is any better. Yeah maybe I will get rid of it, my comment, but i REALLY wanted to tell you what you were getting at. <33
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And I appreciate so much that you did tell me...As I think two poets connecting over a piece of work, is so very important. I will scratch mine as well...So that it doesn't look strange floating in space there. You did focus that part much better and I don't think all the "you" words must go...As I think you pin-pointed the weakest ones and worked with the remaining ones as best you could. I think it's fine now...They no longer are right on top of each other, but more spaced apart. Again, thank you for explaining and for allowing me to give you advice on how you could improve this piece.
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your mood bites my chest out
my bones are aching.
This was both poignant and enchanting...the emotions rippling out to a larger sea and echoing to some distant shore. A wonderful work that sighs and draws the reader closer to something more than just comfort.
Thank you for this excellent entry.
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thank you so much for reading<3 im happy you found something in it♥.
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