peace brings this softened soul,
a mind that cant cope,
sanity sweating out of his pores,
strength bleeding of his wounds,
Oblivious to his whereabouts.
seeking peace,
he finds death.
happy with life he chooses to end it,
Jerusalem bells ringing
lord, be his mirror, my sword, my shield.
evil fears what heaven holds.
his struggle grows,
his end is near,
awaiting death he lays.
his body flat on the sandy surface,
dried by time and sun.
what brought this weary soul,
in seeking contentment in death.
conceptions roam his tired mind,
for death is an inevitability,
only because we accept it as one.
The burning sun's reprisal,
his fate now sealed.
he knows of whats to come,
a smile procedes,
his final breath.
note* this poem is a rough draft.
Author notes
rough draft of something i though up.
took 20 minutes to start it off then after a day of going to edit the poem then go out to do what i like to do an whatever
this poem is near complete i just need to perfect the grammar, capitalization, stanzas, an flow.
well thats about it
myspace.com/omgitzdaniel
Aim: DJMedinaz
A contest entry
- ANYTHING GOES! BIG POINTS! ;) by Mila7.
1522 points, ended August 23, 2008, 11 entries
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I want an honest opinion please.
Comments
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pretty *bunny* awesome for a rough draft, DJ!
It's cool - I like it, although the grammar was kinda...eehh...(I know, first draft)
Maybe you can do it not about your thoughts, but about who you are. What are some of the crazy things that describes you?
Thanks for entering!
-->pia♫♪
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This may be a rough draft but it certainly makes me think deeply into myself. You're good at that, Daniel. Your poems are nothing short of influential. I enjoyed reading this; thanks for sharing it.
Brian -
Wow; what a powerful piece with loads of emotion
pouring from within.
Wonderful write!
Thanks for entering & best of luck
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I'm really ejoying this poem and I can't wait to see what its going to sound like when its complete.
Rose.
ps. could you please finish it cause I can't wait to see the finished product. -
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maybe
i dont usually work on poems for more then 1 or 2 days ( or an hour atleast)
of course thats just lazy me.
maybe i will depends if an idea ever comes to mind.
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Impressive for a 12 year old.
I think this is well thought out. I love the tone, though the flow could be a bit more even. I found it interesting that you said "happy with life he chooses to end it." Why ever would he if he was happy? Is there a fear that life will only go down from there? Of course, some of us would be happier to be with God, but there is always the day for that. In the meantime, I choose to try to be the very best that I am able to be. It's a challenge!
Critical suggestions:
Capitalize the beginning of each sentence. (I was distracted by it being done on and off.) When you said "evil fears what heaven deem" did you mean "what heaven esteems?" You are missing a couple of apostrophes in contractions. (can't, what's)
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thanks an.
"happy with life he chooses to end it" by that i mean he's lived life the way he wanted it to an now thinks that thats all he needs so he chooses to die instead of try to keep on going.
"evil fears what heaven deems" evil itself fears of what heaven contains, holds, is. etc.
thanks.
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You have a very nice poem here. again my fav. line **sanity sweating out of his pores,**
you a bunch of good lines. keep working on it. just needs some more twiks*
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thanks again for entering. -
I think breathe is supposed to be breath, but breathe works too...it makes it rhyme and stuff. Anyway, awesome job! This poem is really good. The vocabulary you used was amazing. Good luck!
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oops your right breathe should be breath.
thanks an i edited an extra stanza
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i feel like its missing like a stanza.. like you need another 10 lines. i think its a great start. but thats what it is to me a start. well.. theres and end to. u just need a strong middle.
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sanity sweating out of his pores,
*
i want more of that. ...
sorry for the short comment before. i didnt feel it was done. but theres my critque. if you add more to it. in the next day or two. let me know. -
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there
extra 11 lines or so.
thanks. -
there, took 5 minutes of thinking but theres 1 more stanza ill be editing that.
need 2 more stanzas i think though.
though i didnt ask of you to give me a critique i was just stating my opinion on why you just said "good luck"
thanks though appreciate it.
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AWESHUM!!
Rendered speechless.
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...Thanks for entering good luck in the contest...
...Should I wait 'til you're done with it and gone over with your edits and all that?
-->pia♫♪
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WOW
This was like an excellent poem and well beyond your age and mine..
lol..I love this it was short,simlpe but breath taking!
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thanks for entering.
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lol that was short.
ya really wanted to get through these entries fast?lol
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wow!
i like it if you don't mind me asking whats this poem mea to you? but i liked alot oh and if it's nt to much t ask what kind of poem is this? -
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though to me it means peace may come with death whether life was good or bad as you near death life will be clear to you an your questions will be fulfilled your mind will become all knowing though unable to put it into words
to me its a quest for peace found in death.
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and i find it a sprititual free verse from 3rd person view or 2nd unsure.
i count as narrator of it though -
hehe hoped someone would ask
to me it means a man who wishes to be at peace with himself so he travels to...anywhere i dont know in my opinions its a desolate desert i like to say.
he finds he cants he realizes questions of life looking up of what heaven deems he sees that he cant become at peace he seeks to find peace in his own death which explains the smile before his final breathe
sad yet ti speaks my mind
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im think of making this the final stanza
seems like a good ending to me.
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