how knives dwell
you discovered
there was a chance
of lightning
in the center of
your chest
marking you
like sharp teeth
that hailed
from the sky
to chew your soul.
this was death
as you asked for,
organic
and pungent
bearing down on your skull
until you would crack
and swallow
each pill
with a little bit
of spit,
sprawled out
like splotchy skin
on the bed
as it ate you whole,
snake-like
and
ticking
as your hands buried themselves
in sleep.
you pulled at the cage
of your ribs
to let the heart run
its course
but instead found
the gun
you had swallowed
at age nine
when you acknowledged
the children
in your head.
you swore
to kill them all
eventually
but instead they plagued you
until you forgot
the shape of
a knife
or the way
spines curve
into little waves.
and I'm sorry
for not seeing
the bats
crawl from your ears
or listening
when you said
time was a tangent
and like blood
we all began
blue
taken from the sky
and planted
in the womb
to contemplate
our own
failures
for however long
life arches
its crippled back
Author notes
i always wonder what if when it comes to you
In a list
A contest entry
- Critiques by Melissa Gayle.
1650 points, ended September 4, 2008, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 53 of 53
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Screw you darlin -
I think you should critique my butt.
This is amazing.
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b-b-b-b-bend ova'! bend bend bend ova!
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-you pulled at the cage
of your ribs
to let the heart run
amazing. that stanza actually hints of multiple personality syndrome.
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hahahaha you are so on about the mps.
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Superb
Wow, what a satirical write about life. You've expressed yourself quite well, indeed. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
Hmmmm
Very nicely written. Superb imagery with fantabulous vocabulary bleeding all over the place! To be brutally honest, I haven't the slightest idea what it all means, but that takes nil away from the piece. I dig the brilliant work you have so carefully orchestrated though. Nice!!
POETDONTKNOWIT
WRITING IT HER OWN WAY
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Did you ever see the art of H. R. Geiger, where every embryo was a bullet?
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This touched me deeply tonite
we all began
blue
taken from the sky
and planted
in the womb
to contemplate
our own
failures
I contemplate mine all too often
You is da man babe
you is da man
♥Becky♥
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um...
DEATH TO videodrome.
long live the new flesh.
lady amalthea... i'll see you in Pittsburgh.
atlantic: you are very good, i see why you are pasted all over this site.
i should have investigated your work. perceptive and well worded shit.
ps. i feel like implementing a few cuss words today.
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now i have to figure out if i should watch videodrome or not, so many mixed reviews. and i hate most 80's movies.
thanks so much for stopping by C:
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i have
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taken from the sky
and planted
in the womb
this is one of my favorites. i think i have read this before, i don't know have i? -
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LOL
here... i was the first one to comment... i found out 
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oh no...
i was like some people after...
lol you get my drift by now, don't you? -
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hahaha yes i got it, i went and googled that phrase and everything lol
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you crack me up... *cracks*
googled that phrase and everyhing made me laugh like
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omg omg♥.
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This was superb I need to catch up on your work soon dearest.
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the imagery of the gun behind the ribcage reminds me of this movie nickolai made me watch called videodrome.
this guy pulled this gun out of his stomach.
it wuz rad.
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I LOVE VIDEODROME!
LONG LIVE THE NEW FLESH!
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i wanna hold you for writing this.
guns used to scare me.. and i picked one up on a night where i was alone and super drunk and i was so fucking scared that i wasnt scared enough to put it in my mouth. i just kept thinking about that night when i read this.
thank you i know its strange to relate that to your poem but it just came up. but seriously thank you for bearing your soul. its all i could ever ask for
♥
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Now this is good - it is pared down more and the flow sharpens the image. So extremely well done
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when I close my eyes I am never surrounded
instead there are voices ...always far away
children being people and then the stab of distance
as my vision widens out and I see
the only thing close enough to touch
is emptiness gravel and silence
and the memory of me..
wish my comment was better....but this is what bloomed in my mind
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that was lovely, and i'm glad the piece invoked something in you. was this just one of your lovely poetic thoughts? i do hope you enjoyed
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thanks for calling it poetic..and no.. it's what I see sometimes when I close my eyes and look back, and yes I did enjoy it even though it walked me back to places I often would rather forget.
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it means so much to me when people can relate, my poetry is so personal to me and i just love when others can relate on a personal level, even though sometimes it can be tough. it's like poetic bonding
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that's a perfect way of putting it.. I think, and yes it means the world to me when others relate to mine too even when it's rough.. it reminds me I'm not alone
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i will come back to this...
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please do my love
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That last stanza ripped me up hun, the thought of growing up with those thoughts addling a brain is full of sorrow and the thought of not being able to change it and seeing it grow as you did. Damn you I have those wet things now in my eyes C
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c'mere babe we'll cuddle
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definitely one of the stronger pieces i've read from you, i don't have suggestions but i did really love the
time was a tangent
and like blood
we all began
blue
taken from the sky
and planted
in the womb
the images were so perfect and connected perfectly too. sorry i know you entered this in the critiques contest but i got nothing :-(
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I assume you always make the title part of the poem?? Seems like it. Obviously, I need to read more of your poems.
"you discovered
there was a chance
of lightning
in the center of
your chest
marking you
like sharp teeth
that hailed
from the sky
to harness your soul."
You have unconventional similes but I like them...the word 'harness' vis a vis the soul...HOW COOL (your word phrasing, not the feeling)
"organic/and pungent"
Okay, so I like the use of the word 'organic'...like it's purely stinky...Haha.
"snake-like
and
ticking
as your hands buried themselves
in sleep."
I already told you I love snake metaphors.
"buried themselves in sleep." is desperately sad but written so well. I like that you use 'ticking' w/o mentioning time, which would be dreadfully obvious.
"when you acknowledged
the children
in your head.
you swore
to kill them all
eventually
but instead they plagued you
until you forgot
the shape of
a knife
or the way
spines curve
into little waves."
Interesting that you say 'children' & not 'voices', which would have been a lot less original. Methinks it's cool with spices of psychotic. Or...suicidal-ness.
The "little waves" thing is cool too in relation to knives. You are freaking rad man.
"it's crippled back"
OH MY GOD.
"it is crippled back"
I don't think you meant to say that...
Make it 'its' before JESSICA e-slaps you...ahahaha
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hahahaha duly noted, and thank you, fixed. what would i do without you?!!?
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You would die. Just a theory?
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oh and you were so right about the interpretation of children, m'dear
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Yeah!
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wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
hilly likes it too, and will be around to applaud as well!
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as your hands buried themselves
in sleep.
that was cool. also the whole last stanza had a bunch of quotable lines, like starting from blue...
it's funny, i was thinking about writing about knives today, too.
there's a lot of intensity here, you seem to keep that up in all of your poetry, i dunno how aware of it you are.
deep, keep digging.
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thank you so much, i think it just stems from the personal nature of my writing. maybe i'm just xXeMoXx at heart hahahhahaha
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And I didn't critique this...In fact, I was just too loving each image, so, I simply offered you a poem by one of my favorite authors that I think reflects your poem, in almost the same sad light. Hopefully melissa can say something critical of merit.
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"humpty dumpty heart"
my heart leaks knowing
since you shot my sheets
with light,
lifting me out my skin
past sky.
i look for your tongue in light
& listen to tales of a new daughter
apartments, mortgages, wife;
knowing i was just a blurred night--
black, whited-out & lost.
Out the blue you call back the years
like a movie reel rewinding,
after six deaf years i hear
you want to come over.
the silence of blind rooms
goads me to balance
humpty dumpty like
one more time the weight of light.
& i would,
but for the bleeding yolk
that lies in cracked knowing--
once it's eaten
it's over.
....
- Sapphire
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did joo write this? i'm so confused but it's lovely
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Nope. It's by a published author named "sapphire" off the site. You should really look her up. She's marvelous and absolutely brutal in her observations.
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thanks for clarifying, i really liked it
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You are welcome muffin.
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. JP Your words are always a breath of truly fresh air, and in this case, with the scent of sadness... . I just loved it. I don't have any critique right now .
Meghie
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thanks so much babe, even attempted suicide is hard to deal with :C
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I can't even imagine...
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you da best babe
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mmhm yes
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