life passes day by day,
hoping this pain would just go away,
alone in the dark,
starring at the previous mark,
horrid thoughts run through my mind,
how could i think of things of such kind,
a river of tears pours down my cheek,
while the blood in my wrist starts to leak,
now sitting in a red puddle,
head down, and knees in my chest as i huddle,
huddled on a wooden stud,
in red letters i write, "i slipped on a blade and fell in blood..."
A contest entry
- Pain..... by XcupcakesX.
600 points, ended August 26, 2008, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Go For The Gold/Rhymers by piccola.
500 points, ended August 31, 2008, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 36 Options Contest! by chasingwhiterabbits.
700 points, ended September 3, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
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that last line is a grabber! I like the rhyme and the flow as well, but feel it would be so much stronger with some kind of line division. You could even reverse the rhyme ... now it's aabb but you could try abab and make it into 4 line stanzas. If you did it would read like this:
life passes day by day,
alone in the dark.
hoping this pain would go away,
the wound has left it's mark
Just a thought. -
OMG jaw dropped
wow wonderful piece i love it your gorgeous by the way <3
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Wow i really like this one. It's great. ^-^
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