Happy Birthday to You!
Another year slips by
Oh, what a stupid thing to say
When you'de really like to cry!
Another wrinkle in your face,
Another pound put on
A look into the mirror reflects
Your youth is almost gone!
Your strngth is waning
Your joints are paining
And then, for goodness sake
Some stupid moron with a hat brings out a Birthday cake!
Birthdays are for children
For us they really don't make sense
When gray hairs spring like garden weeds
All we need is Clairol Rinse!
So don't tell me Happy Birthday
Don't even think it in your head
Just buy me a real nice coffin
After all....I'm almost dead!!!
When gray hairs spring
Author notes
Just having a bit of fun here!
How does this poem make you feel? What was your general impression?
Comments
-
Lol, I gotta say i liked this very much.
My favorite part is "When gray hairs spring like garden weeds
All we need is Clairol Rinse!"
I got a kick out of this one.
Great poem.
-Mandi
-
You've captured a sentiment I share with you only I believe I've held it much longer.
Recommend some fine tuning here:
line 7 - cadence feels suddenly awkward and I believe it happens when you have to hit "into" to keep things moving. To here, it sounds natural.
line 12 - I think this is two lines, isn't it? Four beats and then three?
line 14 - doesn't feel as natural as the other lines. Its cadence but it's also attitude. The "really" is a click more casual, a step back.
line 18 - also feels awkward to me and I know it's the word "even". I know what it contributes and that's important. I have no solution.
lines 19 and 29 - these puppies really work for you.
"real nice" and "after all" are the places to get more casual. I think the poem would be stronger if you stayed laid back and fairly formal until 19 and 20.
line 21 - I don't get it. Do you need it for something?
These are just my views. I'm not a rhymer but I like this poem, this cruel slice of reality. LOL
Adding your comment:
