So this is what empty feels like
nothing to take away
or gain
alone is a feeling
subsided by shame
so this is empty
a stomache full of air
empty has run my life forever
the pain is too much to bear
so this is empty
a new feeling Im not quite used too
it feels so great to not feel anything
but it feels so awful that I had to hurt you to get here
so this is empty
purging food from last night
I feel so worthless
yet I feel alright
so this is empty
not knowing what to feel
ashamed at your mistakes
yet not wanting to hurt someone who actually cares
so this is empty
a stomache hurt by purging
a heart full of darkness
and a feeling of nothing
so hello empty
welcome to my life
im not sure how to feel about you
but I am sure I will be just fine
hello empty
alone accompanies you well
your both two feelings
I now know very well
hello empty
food just destroys me
a broken heart beats without me
and my insides are slowly crushing
I am suffocating on empty
no energy
no love
no food
no friends
alone till the end
I will be here holding your hand
because when your empty it doesn't matter how you feel
the feeling of empty is so real
nothing to loose
and nothing to gain
hello empty
welcome again.
In a list
A contest entry
- Running On Empty by Touchof1der.
600 points, ended August 27, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please give me your honest opinion on what you truly think of this piece I will return the favor...*muah* (redhanded)
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Grrr we'll try this again lol.. this is the 3rd time today i've tried to comment this one. Such a sad write, but such a good write... I hope that i help fill up some of the emptyness. I love you so very much baby gurl
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OMG
wow here you go again with your wonderful words im proud of you you've come along way in poetry and in sanity lol keep it up ill be watchin you if you jump i jump
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thnxxxx autumn...and lol sanity fo sho lmao
but always u jump I jump chika ...we knows that all 2 well...
ily gurl
andi
(redhanded)
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I'm not too sure about the repition here. It made the flow "stick" in places, for me personally. Best of luck to you in the contest. I appreciate your taking the time and making the effort to enter. I hope it proved to be an enjoyable experience and challenge for you.
♥ Touchof1der -
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thnxxxx :D
yea...I know I have been into the whole repeating my linez latley anymore---and I usually dont do that alot---so I dont know...but yea..I liked your contest and it did prove 2 be challenging....thnxx for ur time and effort to check out my piece...
best of luck to you in the future and with your writing...
andi
(redhanded)
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Since you are asking for honest feedback, I shall oblige. I think that you should remove the rhymes that you have laid in this piece. They are inconsistent (several stanzas have none, S9 "well/well"), divided (S1's rhyme is found in S2) and often forced (S7 "purging/nothing"). The structure you have used is more in line with a free verse poem. I liked the composition and wording of S11--the constant "no...no...no..." lends itself to the aloneness and emptiness. You have a few typos you may want to fix: S8L3 "im" should be "I'm", in both S9L3 & S12L2 "your" s/b "you're" and S12L4 you want "lose" instead of "loose". Is there a reason that you have one blank line separating some stanzas and two lines others? The only awkward place for me was S4L2. You say that empty is a "new feeling" and yet in S3 and other places you indicate that it has been your life's story. It just seems contradictory. All that said, I think you captured the feeling of "empty" very well in this. I would imagine that bulemics strive for that emptiness and I feel it in reading this piece. You have a lot of good ideas in this. You just need a bit of polish to make the whole piece shine.
~woof
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And excellent composition--Great flow of verse--an honest and sincere content and feelings are abundant.
Well done and good luck to you in the contest!
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I really enjoyed the repetition. The rhyme and flow were nicely done. I liked the different examples given too. This was very good
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thankyou
thankyou so very much for commenting my piece I enjoyed your kind words....
best of kuck to you in the future and with your writing
andi
(redhanded)
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this is really good..
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thnxxxx
thnxx for your comment and applause it is greatly apprectaited...I am glad you enjoyed this particular piece---
thnxxx
best of luck to you in the future and with your writing
andi
(redhanded)
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