we don't have
homes and we
are far away from
them, not
going back.
the window shows
a new view
and who knew
life would suck
this way?
the grey areas
make lines on
your cheek
and it's been
weeks since
we got along.
"that's the wrong
turn" and I
learn to love
what you aren't.
it shouldn't be
like this. what
I left behind
is still gripping
my mind by its
hair.
"there" you
point and it
ends with just
get the hell away
from me and I
see the jackass
you have become.
there is a
lump in my
throat and it's
not cancer.
and it's not
food I can't
swallow.
Author notes
my writing is going to be kind of choppy. I just moved to college a ways away from my home, so I've been so busy.
A contest entry
- Body Parts by Nicole Hanna.
1800 points, ended August 29, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any advice is welcome
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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i'm not sure how to comment on this. its beyond poetic, but more like a thought breeding in voice and i'm inside your mind. scattered movements through time but well placed lines keep this entire thing in a strict taste for rhythym. the choppy pieces fit well. enjoyed.
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I say that every poem doesn't have to be a masterpiece
sometimes just writing is enough
it's tough moving to a new place..just find a place where they sell good bread and you'll be fine lol
that's how it works for me at least
take care
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the ending is fantastic. the throat part...
yeah, sort of choppy, but it semmed intentional.
what college?
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The University of Kentucky. I live in Atlanta so it's a while a way.
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This is a beautiful poem, though I don't feel it's exactly what the contest calls for. Not enough mention of a specific body part here. A mention of throats, a mention of cheeks, but not one body part as a focus. However, you totally nailed the "personal" part of it. I feel in love with the story. Thanks for entering.
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least I tried right?
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Indeed. I'm sure most people know I love it when entrants edit their pieces during my contests, but even though this isn't exactly what I'm looking for in THIS contest, I hope you don't edit it to make it fit, because it's truly a beautiful piece just as it is.
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I hear you are in college though...I hope you get a lot of learning done and of course, study study study...
When I was going to college, I dropped out. Not because I couldn't take it...But because I don't do well with authority figures. I always want to challenge them and I'm sure that just pisses things off even more. Plus, I was going for a liberal arts degree, which is basically useless. I would only attempt going back if say, I wanted to be a lawyer, which I do not. 
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This is quite choppy Khourey and I'm not sure it's your best or even close for that matter, but hey, at least I'm honest right? I know you will appreciate that. I really felt like if you extended the lines some and just brought the imagery back onto each line better, so that it doesn't read so robotically, that would help greatly. The last two stanza's are the only parts that really worked for me...As I thought "right here, she nails her stride...But it's too late, as the poem is over".
;
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lol of course I appreciate your honesty. And who wouldn't? You are like...God. lol No seriously, I do appreciate it. I know it's scrambled everywhere- so much stuff going on in my head. Yeah college is definitely not for everyone.
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LOL...God is a mean person then...
Well, if you do think of a way to strengthen this,
send me an IM and I'll be sure to come right back
and give you the lowdown. College is college, but
I hope you have lots of luck.
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that's true. you are pretty mean.
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i like this very much. most of the parts are well delivered. on a personal note, i think the opening stanza needs a bit of tweaking. it is not as effective as the other parts. my thoughts, your decision.
i love the 3rd stanza - the reciprocal metaphor, the language it suggests.
overall, a really good write.
thanks for sharing.
HENSLEY
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thank you
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"what
I left behind
is still gripping
my mind by its
hair."
you did farley well for it being choppy. i dont know in my opinion it wasn't that choppy and i got the picture and the emotion behind it very clearly. maybe its just me but you did very well and i hope you win
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Thank you
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