An angry piano rattles in my ear,
repeats my denying truth.
I’m losing Lisa,
there’s nothing I can do
but misplace 3 hours;
recollect the timid Israeli sun
peaking out from bleached mountains
like children with curling sideburns
who hide in their mother’s safe ecru skirts.
Mornings rolling past insane drivers who step outside
just to brawl
Noon-shade of a eucalyptus tree
I’m still your pillow, other side just as uncool
the lonesome teenagers,
minds encoded with Free Love,
are jealous… you can just tell.
Afternoons with the AC blasting
Bodies piled high, snoring saturates the air
We feel like the only ones there
soaking up the man-made chill
The sun rubs his sleepy eyes
and reminds us not to go to bed too late
His burnt orange retiring is the signal:
We’ve just begun
to set the blooming land on fire.
Starlight, moonshine knows
slumber isn’t in our schedule
Stop nudging my shoulder
I’m crawling back to awareness
in between desert heat and the holy prophets who wander there
0:00, 5 hours 'till repetition
My smile won’t leave
as my cheek encloses
the imprint of your lips
My ears pop
JFK delay
the signs are only in English
McDonalds found Jesus
problems matter again
I wash my white t-shirts 100 times
bleached down to bare threads
but my left shoulder will never lose you
or your favorite spot to lean on
A contest entry
- Love - Who can show me what they've got?? by starblaze.
600 points, ended August 21, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Critiques by Melissa Gayle.
1650 points, ended September 4, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Free Verse Frenzy (Prewites Only) by poetryality.
925 points, ended November 3, 2008, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Does it stand out??
Comments
-
I don't think you need to begin with the word; "The". Filler words sometimes distract from the beauty of the work. Let's see for example:
"[]Thoughts and music rattling through my ears
[r]epeat[] my denying truth[s][.]
I’m losing Lisa[.]
[]There’s nothing I can do
but misplace 3 hours[;]
[]recollect the timid Israeli sun
peaking out from bleached mountains
like children with curling sideburns
who hide in their mother’s safe ecru skirts."
Just a little editing will make this work much better. The imagery is great! The flow is choppy. I do believe that is because you might need to look through the piece and see what little words are unnecessary.
Thank you so much for this entry and I hope you don't mind constructive critique. I wish you well in the challenge.
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
-
Immediately the first line into the second is disjointed and slightly wordy.
I think you have some great imagery here and there, really like the 'timid Israeli sun', 'ecru skirts' to name a few...
But this piece reads very heavy to me. I would almost like to see it trimmed some.
I do think your ending is much stronger than your beginning -
Thank you for entering
I like the story here, and very nice imagery throughout. thank you
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