whale
I screamed your name
until my vocal cords
snapped
causing me to
bleed internal
and speak bloody words
that were always
mistaken
for scabs,
picked at
and buried in whiskey
to the drone
of other conversations.
your face
held canyons
and your mind
hid pockets
hoarding secrets
and feelings
that could only be found
by wolves,
how I once craved
the pink
of your skin
or the callous
on your left hand
in mine
as waves were broken
with a single
touch.
I felt
like nature's fist
beating the dead horse
to life
as birds
were swallowed by whales,
the chaos
of your mind
seemed to steep
my soul
in muddy ground as
you built yourself
around me,
layer by layer
until I was
submersed in levels
of flesh and bone
all reeking
of bleach
and calling out
to painful death
as if it was meant
for us both.
but I refuse
to sink
any further
into your chest
holding on
like some pathetic leech
with teeth sharp as needles
bearing down
on your
limbs
to assure
you will never
come back whole.
and if growth
wasn't so complicated
then maybe
you could have flourished
as giant hands
supporting an
indignant
sky
Author notes
fuck yes, closure
In a list
A contest entry
- A Patron Favorite PIF by onerios13.
10000 points, ended December 4, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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Very nice ...
other than the two errors:
as if it was meant (subjunctive: as if it were)
for us both.
and if growth
wasn't so complicated (subjunctive: if growth weren't)
Aside for that, you've done an excellent job with this.
Good luck in the contest.
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Very well done. Closure, yes, and good, but oh it, hurts so well.
-
if growth
wasn't so complicated
then maybe
you could have flourished
as giant hands
supporting an
indignant
sky
This is a treasure, and like all worthy treasures, it must be dug deeply into, spadefuls of nuances and pickaxes that grind down more than just mere rock. It held a diamond glint and an emerald sheen, but even more importantly, it was still warm and accessible as flesh rising from a soft bed. Unusually sensual and dark, it touched like a breeze upon hair, the head tilted to watch another sun die.
If only other pieces had this kind of breath.
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The clappies are for the author comment. lol I know what you mean. Closure is priceless!
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my closure comes in the form of silence. very well done.
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out of words this morning, but this was wonderful and I wanted to tell you that
Jeanette*~
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Excellent depiction of closure. Bars been set it seems.
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thank you so much love, it's great to see you around!
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residue?
same person?
this seems like the stage that precedes ire.
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you're very, very right. i love when i find people that can connect/interpret my poetry well. and you do. thank you for being you.
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'bleed internal'
wouldn't the right way be bleedy internally?
the beginning was deffo the best, it was just so strong, especially the open, wow. I like the use of wounds and body stuff, very strong.
'with teeth sharp as needles'
i loved that, i can't imagine anything better.
<33
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You have, as I have mentioned previously, such a strong and vivid voice - and an excellent eye for breaks. As in my last comment though, I constructively contend that if you work on your use of filler words, the craft will rise even higher. Which, given its current shine, should build a pretty good frikkin bonfire
Example:
"I screamed your name
until my vocal cords
snapped
causing me to
bleed internal
and speak bloody words
that were always
mistaken
for scabs,"
to
"I screamed you [remove 'name' - more impact]
'til vocal cords ['my' is redundant - an obvious ref ]
snapped me [break here to confuse subject - ambiguity ]
to bleed internal
words
which, though bloody
were always
mistaken
for scabs,"
- now that is just one view ... use what you will. Never lose that voice of yours
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wow if this is closure id sure love to learn how you did it.
seriously how did you write this??? was non stop or did you have to think for a bit? because wow.. i cant even wrap myself around this without being totally amazed at how fierce and beautiful this all is. im like shocked. this is definatly one of your best ones. thanx for sharing hun
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thanks love, my poetry is pretty straight-out, stream-of-consciousness type deal....thanks so much for stopping by
-
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submersed in levels
of flesh and bone
all reeking
of bleach
and calling out
to painful death
as if it was meant
for us both.
*
i can't even explain, the impact your words have.
this was amazing, in all its entirety.
♥
-
bravo!
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+ everything ladyamalthea said.
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intenseee.
seriously, my back hurts, that's the kind of impact you just had.
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i loved the leech part. The making sure you wouldn't come back whole like..yeaaaah<333.
The part about their chaos burying your soul seemed a little broken up. I think you should try to make it read easier. Smooth it?
I really liked how a lot of like, anger or not even anger, like words symbolizing big change or power were used?
Hoarding, fist, chaos, submersed, bearing down, indignant.
i dunno i just thought they were all very interesting words that really like, they were closing in. it was like a storm coming to swallow up something.
Its about someone..you used to need them or you felt like you needed them.
I don't know what you mean by their face held crayons? Like maybe they looked simple but weren't inside? =S not sure.
Well something about them was so secretive. All those secrets were poisoning you slow..you were covered in their problems their inner thoughts. They were using you to climb out?
& you're not going to be used as a stepping stool. You're gonna rip their ankles off.
The very ending i found the most beautiful but also the most confusing. "growth" what do you mean? Change? Escape? & then..if it wasn't so hard for them to change maybe they could have been something great & held off the trouble around them? Uggg so confused.
Very very powerful write. Loveddd it♥.
<33
p.s. gonna read your list asap.
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your interpretation of the growth bit is dead on, you should not doubt yourself babe. oh and that wasn't crayons love it was canyons...sorry you read that wrong.
you are dead on about them being secretive, and them having this horribly negative effect on me. thanks you so much love <3
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oh oops about the crayons =P. wowwwww i am embarassed.
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closure is sweet, like the 2nd stanza
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This is great poetry - one i wish i had written (and that says a lot)...both in poetic quality and content. Wonderful stuff... closure - so much in that word.
~ Nicolette
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i completely agree with you, just the closure itself takes forever to achieve and then one has to thrive on a new chapter. thanks so much for your lovely comment
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I can very much identify with whales right now. Here where i live the whales are in the bay right now....just like the heart, they always return to warmer waters.
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HOLY MOLY!!! The intensity of this as it built was like the whale itself blowing water from its blow hole after being under for so long...
CRAP!
AMAZING!
I hope you purged it out cause this is bloody fantastic!!!
I love this part but you know it is hard to pick a fav part cause it is all just so damned good...
the chaos
of your mind
seemed to steep
my soul
in muddy ground as
you built yourself
around me,
layer by layer
until I was
submersed in levels
of flesh and bone
can I live inside your head for a week and take left overs home?
Jeeze how am I going to top this or Chez
seriously, this is freaking great from start to finish.
Everytime I read you I think this is his best ever and then...BOOM!!! you out do even yourself.
♥Becky♥
♥Becky♥
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ahhhh becks! thank you so much babe, and i don't doubt your ability to shine in this contest for a second. but again, thank you love
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your closure is soooooooooo beautiful.
and speak bloody words
that were always
mistaken
for scabs,
picked at
and buried in whiskey
to the drone
of other conversations.
WOW
WOW
WOW
WOW
WOW
that is so amazing, my face fell out of shape when i read it.
I felt
like nature's fist
beating the dead horse
to life
as birds
were swallowed by whales
that was pretty goddamn incredible too. seriously, all i can say is
HOLY. SHIT.
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This is effing fantastic The thought of being wrapped inside a person like a piece of paper and yet we can still tear, still be brought to shreds and then we have almost an epiphany to let go, walk on by and see more than what we have. I am proud of you here hun, yep..definitely closure C
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oh thank you so much chezzie, sometimes it's so hard to get people out of your system...i know you understand..
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Yes hun, I do and we write them out of our soul eventually but it will still ache from time to time but it lessens
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