tone
I wonder
what the rain actually
washes away,
bits of dirt
that keep me east
as I fumble
with rusty spoons,
cupping soup
in my hands
because you did the same.
I stick words
on my tongue for you
like aspirin
thinning my blood
and making
my pupils spin
with the ceiling fan
as I think
you are running distances
from mountains
that sprout
like seedlings in your wake,
eying the sky
and your
inner thigh
to stretch out like veins
and wrap you
whole-
it is blood
that seeks you out
to ravage you blind
until your want
is brutal.
yet here I sit
with open palms
letting the enzymes
of my spit
eat away at my skin,
I fear
you burning away
at a cross
but finally feeling
permanent
sharing a home
with thousands of
tentative souls,
maybe even god
covers you
with his palm at night
so you are warm.
tell me
if you can slip this thought
from my mind
miles away
and tell me
what presence you feel
because one word
could lead me to believe
that it was your face
bleeding red
in the clouds
Author notes
Someday my pain, someday my pain
Will mark you
Harness your blame, harness your blame
And walk through
With the wild wolves around you
In the morning, I'll call you
Send it farther on
Solace my game, solace my game
It stars you
Swing wide your crane, swing wide your crane
And run me through
And the story's all over you
In the morning I'll call you
Can't you find a clue when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue
What might have been lost -
A contest entry
- some examples of distance by Nicolette.
1500 points, ended September 1, 2008, 26 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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More than deserving...
congratulations.
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I'm a horrible person for not commenting earlier! This is so, so, so, sad....and i loved it because of that.
Congratulations!
-joan.
.
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thank you joan
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Meeting all manner of distances in large and small, from one to another and the lack of them, all moving along in wonderful poetry.
Congratulations on the well deserved trophy!
Sol
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Congratulations! i particularly love the first stanza and the aspirin reference was very well done.
good stuff!
m
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Congratulations, a winner, without a doubt!
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thank you row~
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Well, we all know how fabulous your writing is, and this is definitely no exception!
"because one word
could lead me to believe
that it was your face
bleeding red
in the clouds"
Your endings are always so epic! I think I have already told you that many times. The first stanza is also powerful, in that it created vivid images in my mind related to faltering and stumbling and perhaps a constant struggle for acceptance.
There are many references directly or indirectly scattered throughout this: physical, emotional, personal and even religious, although not in such context.
You make me smile.
Thanks for sharing this
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god, your ending four lines or so were absolutely wonderful. very good poem.
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An intense piece of writing, totally creative in imagery, presentation, poetic device, etc. Reading here I can hardly believe you're...what? ...19? Wow! The one thing that I always find in your poetry is an authentic voice, and a very mature one too and this poem is no exception. I've found so many "examples" of distance here, especially the physical and the emotional, and I liked how this poem moved between a certain "confidence" about the other, yet some questions still remain - and of course the colours here.... SO many phrases here that I just wanted to steal (and since this poem is in my contest, i might just do that)
. This is great poetry in all regards. Thank you for sharing it with us in the contest.
~ Nicolette
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i'm so glad that you found the distance i was trying to convey and you are more than welcome to steal anything love! no worries. thanks for an excellent, in-depth comment
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you are running distances
from mountains
that sprout
like seedlings in your wake
they really do seem to do that don't they? i'm sorry for everything.
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don't ever be sorry <3 you did nothing wrong
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I like the way this seems to shade over itself, beginning like an under sketch, pale gray, then washes together muted colors until it explodes at the end like a sunset... and makes me think of distances farther than life
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thank you for such an excellent comment
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because one word
could lead me to believe
that it was your face
bleeding red
in the clouds
Oh babe...this chilled and thrilled. The first stanza was like a little god with a pocketful of white pills...that aspirin imagery colored me green with envy, lol. But the rest of this...oh my...I think one day, when I flip a dictionary ot the word 'distance', I will find this poem there...
Stunning.
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"I wonder
what the rain actually
washes away,"
Damn. Now I'm wondering!!
This makes me think of washing away sins.
"bits of dirt
that keep me east"
Well, this is weird. "keep me east" I think that's groovy, but I want you to explain what the hell it means. You know, so I can grasp your genius more...understandably.
"as I fumble
with rusty spoons,"
OH MY GOD this reminds me of Salad Fingers!! Not sure if you ever watched...but that dude LOVED rust.
"cupping soup
in my hands"
Not possible, but 'tis a cool magic trick in Bruce Almighty...though he split it...as opposed to cupping.
"because you did the same."
Why use periods here if you're not going to consistently?? Or...you just wanted a clean stop there?? You could also just separate stanzas. Eh, that's not your style though--you do long ass stanzas.
"it is blood
that seeks you out
to ravage you blind
until your want
is brutal."
That is awesome. Vampiric...well not really but I wanted to say that.
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hahahahah yes i know salad fingers, that is so funny that you mentioned that
! and thanks so much, the bits of dirt are supposed to relate to what the rain could wash away...and consequently keeps me trapped when all i want is to be somewhere else..
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I'm not feeling deep today, but I understand now
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Oh hun this makes my eyes fill with water
Just some of the imagery of distance is done so achingly real I felt it as I read it. Love, C
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Oh and you're nineteen now huh?
Well I'll be 26 in february this coming year so,
I guess 30 will eventually be eating my
liver with some english tea.
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Before you ask love muffin for me to take a peek, I'm going to do it first... As I usually do that anyways. Though I see this in "some examples of distance" contest, I'm thinking it isn't that distant. Actually, I felt that it was metaphorically more in-tuned with how things create new breath taking experiences and how we sometimes hold things too close, until it collapses the air in each of us. But your poetry here is really great. I had no issue with anything, words included...My only beef is that distance wise I felt was the wrong category. The god imagery is wonderful and I suppose that is a distant aspect, but all in all, this hit really close to home and I think it was personally one of your best.
;
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thanks, this was actually written for someone who is moving great distances and physically very far away right now, maybe even emotionally. hope that clarifies..it's just intensely personal and maybe for that reason the distance is harder to convey.
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You could very well be right about how distance is hard to convey...But like I said above, the poem itself is incredibly well written and no that is not just me sucking your ass because I can, it's really the truth. I am glad though the you clarified it for me, though you didn't have to babes. I probably would have come to that conclusion after an update read later.
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OMG i'm kiddding! i love it
as I fumble
with rusty spoons,
cupping soup
in my hands
because you did the same.
that image is so gorgeous and sad. beautiful stuff i've been missing while wasting my time on school :C -
omg this sucks. you should have gotten my opinion first.
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eying the sky
and your
inner thigh
ooo that was good. also,
maybe even god
covers you
with his palm at night
so you are warm.
i don't think i got the whole full meaning of this, but it was sensual. not a in a bright way, in an overcast way.
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i loveeeee this interpretation
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shit ... this is so sad... i love the ending stanza, the feeling of bleeding cloud burns!
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and tell me
what presence you feel
because one word
could lead me to believe
that it was your face
bleeding red
in the clouds
Fuck yeah
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