My grandfather's wells
were 'dangerous places'.
Shaking, serious heads
as my grandmother said
'Children fall down those wells'.
'Children die down those wells'.
Peering over precarious edges
we throw endless stones into a watery echo,
fear, adrenalin, dead children
keep us low to the ground.
Pool of my nightmares, small children
treading water in cold, inescapable holes,
calling out in weak, high frequencies,
missed under crickets, cattle lowing,
adult chatter in country kitchens.
faint cries lost
beneath background noise
and fading afternoon skies.
a small absence,
weight not yet noticed
by the woman
setting out dinner plates
routine annoyance
as she steps out
the screen door
sings out again
time to come in
Author notes
*POW Contest*
Theme-Wells-as simple as that
i chose to leave a banned word in-i could have removed the 'the' from low to the ground-but it just wasnt right,
damn hard
oh well gave it my best shot
ive since modified this after the contest ended, added all those barred words-the and that of but
whoa, feels like i just undid my zipper after a good meal-was so restrictive
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended August 18, 2008, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
awesome!
♥
whisper
-
:)))))beautiful!
very effective and well written
your choice of words is amazing.well done!
juliet
-
Hi there and welcome to the POW!
I loved your theme, and it's one I don't recall seeing before. For such a simple thing, there's sure a lot to associate with it! I can't honestly say I understand the 3d stanza...but otherwise I felt this held together very well.
I think the repetition could have been a good way to bring emphasis to those words that seem to haunt us as children, words our parents or grandparents say to try and warn us about certain dangers...but repetition is tough to do like that...and I'm not sure there's quite enough here to make it seem like it was done on purpose, with that intention. Still, I didn't mind what you have and thought it helped give this an ominous tone. The imagery...especially in S4, is fantastic.
My co-judges have covered this quite well already, so not much more I feel I can contribute. My scores will be revealed with the final notes of the contest. Thanks so much for your entry, and I hope you'll consider joining us again in future PO contests!
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
P.S. Remember...no editing once a judge has commented...until after trophies have been awarded...
-
Hello I thought this poem was a scene from a movie which is good really I did enjoy it I wish you would of gave it a better title like was said the repeating of lines I think made it lose impact for me I wish you would of used other word choices but all in all this is a good piece my score will be sent in at the close of the contest goodluck
-
Hi, and welcome to the POW!
I like the premise for this write, and the overall eerieness of it,but I find some words and lines to be a bit repetitious, which dilutes the impact for me.
Stanza 3 left me shaking my head, and wondering..perhaps the metaphor is beyond my ken..wouldn't be the first time that's happened!
As for the line with the filler word 'the', the idea is to work around this aspect of the rules. Re-construct the sentence to have the same meaning, but without the fillers. One suggestion I thought of is: "fear, adrenaline, 'children die..', these keep us grounded. (Same meaning, no fillers)
Over all, I enjoyed this write. A good, strong, entry.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented!
-
I don't think I've seen you come through these contests before - so 'welcome'
Your title - I am big on titles. They are the first thing a reader will see. You want your poem to be read - therefore you want a title that someone will click on. This is good, for this piece, but not a title most people would click on - in my opinion. And your write has some importance to it - so pick a title that will showcase it's importance.
The theme is one I've seen - but not often, and not done this way. You've added your own touch to it. But, for me, the creativity was not used as well as it could have been - to make a solid, impactful impression on the reader. Your wording is good other than for all the 'repeats', which again causes a write to lose its impact. I think once you edit this and maybe add in a few filler words, if needed, this will be a stronger write.
Spelling and punctuation look good to me - but I am not an expert...lol....
nice presentation and rules followed well (I do understand you leaving in the one filler word, but think maybe you could have said...'keeping us on our stomachs at safe, ground level'....or something along those lines)
On personal appeal level, this will only be interesting to some readers. To pull in the others, I feel it needs stronger images and impact.
all in all, a nice entry though.
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
-
-
Nice Review Boom
-
-
Hello
Welcome to the PO' Contests!
A Theme which has not been done before here....surely a thought-provoking write.....almost on the side of Prose Tone, but borderline ~
I grew up with wells on our land.....not an area of play, even for the most defiant child.....ironically, little ones would somehow wind up there......sad ~
Your Theme is not as Creative as it is informative.....we are going to challenge you more the next time you enter.....find that special Theme and pen it wisely, and your scores shall only rise
Repeating the same words...( wells, children
is not something I agree with, unless using it to bring Power & Impact to your write ~You did leave a Filler Word in, in order not to sacrafice your Tone, but you still need to try and adjust your thinking around this area of critique ~
Try to imagine those words not in your english language, and challenge yourself to work around them......this is a Rule here, and this Challenge has beat many Poets who enter ~
I see your talent, and I know you can do it
Let my board say the rest......good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.0...I would not want to click on this Title unless I wanted to read about this genre -
Flow 9.85....meter is good...flow is smooth because of your ability to use proper punc.'s -
Depth 9.9....good depth....wanted more....but 25 line Max is used wisely -
Theme 10..great Theme....just keep it in poetic Tone -
Feelings 9.0...not a lot of fellings....more emotional experience tied this together -
Grammar 9.85....nice job.....reach deeper next time for unusualness in grammatical choices -
Presentation 9.5....not really a fan of all quatrains....leaves flow without valley & mountains...be creative! -
Uncommonness 9.8...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 9.75...prefect from what I can tell, except one filler word -
Bears Score: 96.45
Great!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
