For five long years
We've been through it all
Ups and downs
Smiles and tears
I always used to think that was it
I couldn't love you more
I couldn't miss you more
I was the most safe I could ever be
A year without you opened my eyes
We are the strongest yet
Nothing can tear us down now
No one can break us apart
You've finally shown me
What true love really is
That you and I share it
And it will never go away
Author notes
This is a recent one. Written a couple weeks ago. If theres anything I could improve on, please help. It's been awhile since I've written.
What do you think I could improve?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I like the feel and thoughts in this poem. I imagine it made someone special very happy to hear it.
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Interesting. True love is only true if it's been tested and still survives. Nice.
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Very well done. I loved it all. The feeling and love in the words is palpable. Wonderfully written.
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A year without you opened my eyes
We are the strongest yet
I love the feelings behind those lines.
this whole poem was so optimistic, but still realistic
& I loved it
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thank you so much for the comment!
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VERY NICE POEM
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this is soo cute!! i love it....great job
AbbyxGrace -
relationships can be such rollercoasters, as i know from a great deal of personal experience.
you've written a simple piece here in terms of your vocabulary, form and such, but it does hold a sort of subtle power. I just felt like I could connect to this piece very well. the only thing is though, it just doesn't flow very smoothly. sometimes though, when one's just writing about personal things, it doesn't have to be so polished, in my opinion at least. i liked it since i felt that it's roughness made it seem truer. wish i had more to specifically help you with, but thanks for sharing
~shadowlyn -
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Thanks for the comment
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Thats a nice message your trying to say, but it doesnt come across that way. Too much time and it doesnt flow, Give it another try and just let love grow.
hehe i that ^^ lol. But yeah. Good but needs to be reader friendly.
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It really is true that absence makes the heart grow stronger. I am a strong believer in the theory that if a relationship is meant to be, than no matter how long apart, it will always work out. I like this poem as it shows your growth in knowing what true love feels like. Nice job! Blessings, Patty
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I think it's a nice start, but you may be able to improve on it. In the first stanza the first and last line rhymed. I think it would add to the poem if you could continue with that throughout.
I also kind of felt that there could have been more imagery. In the second stanza, how much did you love? How safe did you feel? Was it as safe as when you were younger and a parent/grandparent etc. would hold you in their lap? As safe as you felt the day your big brother went to school with you to deal with the bully?
Didn't love the 3rd line of the last stanza, and felt the 3rd and 4th stanzas could also use a little more imagery to help give the reader a better feel.
With all that said I think it's a nice write, and with a little work could really be great.
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Good
The 8th line is grammatically incorrect. You need to re-work that one. Overall I think you did ok on this one. It did't punch me like I think it could if you worked on it a bit more. -
Good
The 8th line is grammatically incorrect. You need to re-work that one. Overall I think you did ok on this one. It did't punch me like I think it could if you worked on it a bit more.
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