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Touched

unblinkingly adept

with cusp of
sun and moon in grasp

 

autistic children
brush the lacquered finish
on an empty canvas

 

voiceless colors

of an overrated real

 

untextured knows
when it's been touched

 

 

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • fairytalelovestory
    October 15, 2008
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    ty for entering good luck


  • ea silver member
    August 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    the laquered finish of an empty canvas seems like an apt metaphor for the misleading stillness this state sometimes produces.


  • Sandygram silver member
    August 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent Write!!

    Your words describe the title perfectly. Stunning imagery. Best of luck in the contest. Should do very well!!!!!! You take care.

    Sandy


  • Nicolette gold member
    August 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There is a silence here that speaks and reaches out - "touched" is a perfect title. Lovely clean images here and great word economy - something I admire in poetry. Loved "voiceless colours" and where it took my mind.

    ~ Nicolette


  • cheaphotelsign
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    dude...i'd like to correct you on several things but i find nothing that needs correcting...or if it does i'm too stupid to realize it. this is a fantastic write....dig use of autistic...empty canvas...voiceless colors...wow- it's all so kickass. do it again.....


  • Cannonsfire
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I agree with Mel, it is strong but the first stanza is a softer voice that perhaps needs more edge to it.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    August 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Whoops I meant second stanza on, not third.


    • sheltered
      August 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I think if I axed it all together though
      that it would be weaker
      so I am trying to think of a fix.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    From the third stanza on, it is quite coherent and flows seamlessly.

    The first stanza, while I love the idea of the cusp of a sun and moon, it just doesn't seem to fit as well with the rest of the piece.

    Otherwise, really well done. The images are clean and clear and the flow is really well done. Actually I think it is one of your strongest


  • notorious gold member
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'cusp' is a gorgeous word in itself.
    Makes me think of horoscopes, or being on the verge of something.

    "autistic children
    brush the lacquered finish
    on an empty canvass"
    I think you meant 'canvas', not 'canvass'...right??

    This stanza is really deep and both sad and hopeful. You are amazing.

    "voiceless colors"
    LOVE!!! Great personification and silence...love!!!! My favorite part, maybe.

    "overrated real"
    Nice. Methinks 'real' sounds niftier than 'reality' in this line.

    "untextured knows
    when it's been touched"
    WOW, nice ending.

1 - 14 of 14