when the dogs stop barking
and children with
shiny new sneakers
tip-tap along morning asphalt:
you can find me under a
pondering tree
with my bare feet, and I don't care
where the bus stop is.
sprinklers stop spraying
and dripping wet bikinis hung up
without another thought...
I'll be catching raindrop tremors
from the last
humid
Floridian pail spill.
I have a new face covered by
back-to-school hair cut; you can't see my
dreaming eyes
oh, just wishing for more time
to write one more word
on the taste of
sunny delight.
~~~
Author notes
hmm... this turned out pretty well, I think. but probably not good enough for the contest. >_<
critical critiques please? muchas gracias.
school starts tomorrow.
A contest entry
- see not the flame, know the artist, and understand blood. (invite only) by apples fell.
400 points, ended September 25, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Articulated contrasts
This is so past the typical blueness when the fun things and loosening up are not as easy to grab a hold of since seasonal change- The match in lines three and four compare well, here these latest shoes are pristine as fresh paving they walk on? It may seem so simple to buy them, but not in full sequences and reason... I love the metaphor in, "pondering tree," instead of the get-to-work quickness, this maple, for example is a samplette, helping you to chew on things about nature and much more you want to.
Started thinking upon the way you phrased, "and dripping wet bikinis hung up without another thought," like the title ~ one minute it seems it'll last forever, the next it's substituted. Not at least winding down a little, letting the whole swimsuit of everything slowly volatilize, but throwing it on the clothesline without being straight. Sigh, "Floridian pail spill" is alliterative, and expresses what you'll try to ramp up for some kind of conclusion memory.
Your third stanza raised my brows high, in the same topic, literally it hints that maybe your bangs dislodge your lashes; signifying an emotional cliche too. Ironically when it's an 'everybody' thing, it doesn't always clench your choice of what you want them to see. The ending made me feel the emphasis in a good way by the reflective soda brand, but this is perfectly fine to have a slice of being porous to actual exuberance lol.
Interesting concept that goes naturally deep, best wishes in the contest,
Daisy -
Why do hairdressers (butchers?) always want to cut off woman's greatest glory - her tresses. Doesn't matter what length it starts at but "Modom must have lots of this OFF!" Have you ever seen a hairdresser with a decent haircut? Rather like the houses of the builders that are falling down. Anyway, I liked this, a little cracker.
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this is so filled with delightful imagery. Love the idea of the new haircut. I got mine cut a few days ago and after she showed me the back she remarked,"in a week or so it will be right where you want it." lol.
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wow, its really nice and there is great imagery. i love the idea. makes me sad but i still love it
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I like it very much, kind of melancholy, but cool.
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Great
This should be a contest winner, You really have outdone yourself here, great poem dear daughter, Love Dad
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Not good enough for my contest? You jest.
I don't believe in favoritism or any of that shit, so, if this is good to me and let's say for instance I was to call it "the best", then you would simply win. Period. I believe that poetry is the most important thing when it comes to writing and I will judge it on that alone. But you know this, or at least, I'm sure you have figured that out by now. I loved that first stanza so much and how you illustrated the sound of "tip-tap" in italics, which was a good choice, for sure. My only suggestion here it to perhaps cut the second ellipses out...And just space the poem, starting at the word "oh"...But I might be wrong and you might want that thought to stand out more. Even if you don't take this advice, the poem is really strong and focused. There is a gentleness to the words and how you put across each image, like it is indeed rolling out of you, always bound to the summer seconds left behind. I graduated school years ago, now that I'm 25, but I can tell you every now and then I sort of miss it...I know, you don't think you'll miss school now, but someday, I think it happens to everyone.
A fine entry and good luck.
;
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*hides* I have no faith in my poetry.
I have a new face covered by
back-to-school hair cut; you can't see my
dreaming eyes
oh,
just wishing for more time
to write one more word
on the taste of
sunny delight.
Is this what you meant? -
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You really must have more faith in your work, but I suppose that also will come in time. Yes, that's what I was trying to say...LOL. I should have been clearer. Do you think that would work? I do, but your opinion is more important than mine.
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hmm, I like not having punctuation after 'dreaming eyes'... Leaves things open, and I like that. But the transition to 'oh' is a little strange... Should I make it into one stanza?
I have a new face covered by
back-to-school hair cut; you can't see my
dreaming eyes
oh,
just wishing for more time
to write one more word
on the taste of
sunny delight.
You are a better poet than I am, so your opinion is very very important.
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Maybe like this:
I have a new face covered by
back-to-school hair cut; you can't see my
dreaming eyes
oh, just wishing for more time
to write one more word
on the taste of
sunny delight.
- Like that possibly. So that the "oh" does not stand out as much, but it also allows you to keep the sound and movement into the "just thinking" line. I'm really quite average, but that is very kind of you to say. I just very much enjoy your work and am glad you enjoy me rambling on it.
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You rock my toe socks. I like that suggestion very much. ^^
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Well I am glad.
LOL. I've rocked a lot of things before,
but not toe socks...
That's a marvelous image!
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awww this is terrific, and im sorry school is starting *hugs* ill pray for you,lol. and your write was better than mine, so glad you entered *hugs*
Stephanie ♥
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I too think this turned out very well. the days are yellow and your words shine like the sun. I was wondering if the word "think" shouldn't be "thought"? It's winter here, so perhaps my brain got lost in your summer rains, lolol.
Nice work here, Cassie. Enjoy your last day of the summer holidays!
~ Nicolette
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I was trying out something different when I put the word think down... But maybe I should switch it to thought.
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