gray sky fills up my mind
and the houses made of lead
tip over as the wind
like a ghost
whispers death
in one last gasping breath
in a town made of tin
i lived with my two best friends
and with many other people too
one thing we all loved with a passion
was sweet things and candy
never went out of fashion
one day of a sudden an old woman moved in
to the neglected tin warehouse at the center of town
she put up a sign saying:
"candy of the finest kind
please make a line
and come in three at a time"
gray sky fills up my mind
and the houses of lead
stand empty, forlorn
and a line stretches on round the block to the forest
old woman of death
so sweet is your breath
lies, lies, and deception,
the wind sighs
finally our turn came
and we stepped through the door
not expecting to see an empty room
then to the ground, fast
our hands and feet were tied somehow
while two bouncers held back
the oncoming crowd.
then, one by one
my two friends were untied
and they stepped behind the thin sheets of tin
to receive their promised handful of sweet sin
when my turn came round
the air was thick with a pungent smell
as i moved behind the wall my heart beat the rhythm of hell
gray sky fills up my mind
as my feet made of lead
trod slowly so slowly
as the blood on my hands
my life slips, and it falls
as the wind whispers death
on it's last faltering breath
two holes in the wall
are all that i see
and eagerly my hands i put through
then an uncommon sound:"schiiik", then i saw
looking up to the roof made of tin
i saw coming down,the sharp silver blade...
the guillotine, my death, and my doom.
Author notes
this was this one crazy dream i had which, like my dreams sometimes do, had a plot line which i could follow.
i remember too waking up right after the guillotine comes down, with the feeling that there was blood pouring from my eyes, ears, mouth and nose, and filling my head almost to exploding.
A contest entry
- REM cycling by grassisgreener.
600 points, ended August 21, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i really like what you've done! the poem flows much more smoothly now, thank you for taking such care! one more thing i would point out is the "passion and lust/sweet things and candy"...too many piling words. you might do better with one adjective and one noun. and stuff is not a poem word! overall, this poem is as unique as it is disturbing, thank you for entering.
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an unmetered rhyming poem such as this lacks polish. i actually really like a lot of the imagery you provide--i think that if you focused more on developing the metaphors and concept as opposed to forcing end-line rhyme, this poem would be something to take seriously. for example, "tin warehouse" sounds so much more concise and direct than "warehouse of tin"--the rhyme takes away from the grammar and flow. overall, i love the story behind this poem. it's unique, it's surprising, and it provides a great color palate and a broad vocabulary if you would like a chance to rework this poem, i would be more than glad to give it another read. thank you for entering!
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reworked a bit
so, i reworked it a little bit, and changed it so that not every single line is rhymed.
i think someday later i'll take time to work the story out somemore, and put in more metaphors. but thanks for the comment and constructive criticism. its always helpful.
for now, i am content, more or less, or for lack of time perhaps am content with this for your contest.
ps: love the contest idea by the way.
peace
~Love -
yes, thank you. i think i will rework it.
i wrote it all in one go, and actually upon rereading it i can see the problems with the forced rhyme.
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Impressive Indeed
I sincerely cannot find a single fault about this. It's Perfect. I love it...keep on posting
Good Job. The entire concept is breath-taking
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