coerced into disenchantment
you are nude to the marrow
batting those broken eye-lids
in the glittering blackness
between modest stares
and melancholic brows
The moon is down
in the fog of bright lights
and scraping harmony
plastered to the brakes lines
of city ambiance
the smell of engine oil
unchanged in the swallowing bog
moves in slowly
ardent marches
of wingless insects
across the light blended pavement
radiated by the faded heat of a star
it rains faintly
to our feigned surprise
but the world does not move
betwixt our sallow glances
time collapses in our lips
and quietly bows into a
singularity
and before we meld into shapeless
shades of gray
we lock bones and form
that amorphous structure
and comfort is our life
here in the rain
beneath a star
and above ourselves.
A contest entry
- Critiques by Melissa Gayle.
1650 points, ended September 4, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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think i got the hint
of what the 1st segment was throwing out there.
it does relate to everything, especially the last stanza.
i just don't think it mirrored well.
you picked up speed and intensity in the 2nd stanza, and the energy pushed out into the rest of the poem.
maybe rework the 1st stanza now that the whole picture is there.
this is an intelligent and wonderfully worded writing.
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I like the ending. In fact, it's my favorite part of the poem. I think a lot of people on this site get complacent in their acceptance of wham-bam-thank-you-mam kind of endings, and neglect to see the majesty in those which are more subtle. Beautiful work.
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i have to say that i didn't like stanza 1 in comparison to the other ones, the strong vocabulary was a bit strenuous to read. i liked the second to last stanza the most...
interesting to read and well written
-cassidy
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I almost feel like this really begins at stanza two, while the images are great in one - I get a better sense in two.
Love the word 'betwixt' but not sure if it is right where it is, or rather, not sure it sounds fluid when read.
Your ending is weak though, you carry along so well and then it falls off for me.
Still your imagery is excellent and the metaphors well woven
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