Crack and sometimes break under the pressure.
Under the tension slip, slide, fail.
Feel death is imminent,
will not stay in place.
Will not stay still, shrieking voices.
Scolding, mocking, or simply chattering.
Pray for rest and slumber.
My sanity will not give into.
In the morning the scream of the alarm
jolts my raw nerves into the wicked light of dawn.
Author notes
Lisa / Amaranthine Lover
A contest entry
- Best Prewrites From August 2008 by amaranthine lover.
2450 points, ended October 8, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - complications of being by yael.
450 points, ended October 6, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING GO'S EVERYONE WELCOME by Stormy Days.
450 points, ended October 16, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hello there... by new born.
625 points, ended November 28, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ,words disappear .words once so clear by Kirs.
725 points, ended December 25, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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until the last stanza, i thought you were talking through a crazy person, describing what goes on in their mind, and i laughed once i read the last line.
good job -
u described the urban life and its pressures os beautifully...
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I like the fact that you easly express how in urban living everything is fast paced and rushed you did that in this poem very well. "Will not stay still, shrieking voices.
Scolding, mocking, or simply chattering." It's funny because I see this quite often
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I'm partial to rhymes, but I liked the beginning, and you convey the feeling, the chaos, quite well
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This is wonderful. I love the harshness of the wording and the flow is great. Love the ending,
'In the morning the scream of the alarm
jolts my raw nerves into the wicked light of dawn.'
Curious, how does this fit my contest?
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I never liked living in the city - the noise, the crowdedness...it just gets to me. So I live out in the country, in the boonies, actually - the foothills of the Cascades.
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thanks for sharing
this piece is very lofty like the most lucid of dreams. That limbo betwixt conciousness and deep R.E.M.
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Simple but good.
I really liked this poem the simplicity of the lines seemed to emphasize what you were saying. However the line "My sanity will not give into" confused me it doesn't seem to make sense. Maybe if you clarified it by saying my sanity I will not give up. When you say "my sanity I will not give into" it sounds like you don't want to be sane but crazy, is that what you meant? Anyway Great job! -
This poem speaks clearly about urban life and urban pressure... you are right, how confusive and fast their life is... it subtly portrays the busy life of Urban life..
well done
Love
Kiddy -
hmm, not sure what you mean by this poem, kind of confusing. But, dismissing that; this poem is very well composed. Good job.
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wow
i love it
very nicely written
god job with this one
haha -
I like the way that you set up your idea here.
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awesome
i def get wat ur sayin!! it was hott! i kno i live in philly n it can b tough!!! but 4 people who see this we are a step ahead! -
i'm so sorry, but you didn't put the option in your authors notes. feel free to enter my other contest thought!
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A rather dark and bleak morning you have described here . . . but I understand completely where you are coming from . . . Sometimes the urban sprawl and all its meaninglessness can become over bearing and you just want to shut off the alarm and go back to sleep . . . well done!
Marc
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Superb
A very fine write, indeed. You've expressed yourself very well. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Again, well done.
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this is very thought-provoking piece, im not sure how much i liked the very literal sound of the lines but it was unique, and had a very definte style. i quite liked the second stanza, but for me the merit of this piece was in the final two lines, the "wicked light of dawn" is such a great image! nice work
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Your straightforward diction and use of strong end-stops on basically every line definitely reinforced the images and feel of the unrelenting urban landscape you described.
The use of sentence fragments as independent lines (for lack of a better way to describe it at 2 AM) jarred me a little bit, but it worked because, once again, it supported the theme of the rest of the poem. The only instance where I don't think it completely worked was in the second line of the fourth stanza: "My sanity will not give into." I think this is because, though they are fragments, the other times you use this technique, you're expressing whole thoughts. Here, however, the preposition "into" leaves me hanging, still waiting for the thought to be completed.
And I will agree with the others that the last image you present is extremely well done-- I completely empathize, having to wake up every morning to commute into Atlanta.
Very well done!
-CJ
PS. Thanks for commenting on my poem!
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Very Witty
Love the word selection that set the tone and mood of this piece. Love the last line.
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Thanks. I really like the tone and frank, modern voice in your work. I will view more.
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Oh how I know this so very well
It seems somewtimes like you just go your eyes shut when you have had a stressfull day and you finally get to sleep only for the alarm to throw you right back into the same world you just left . Its madening at times
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Very good
I like it. It is very catchy. 8/10
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kool write.. i liking this and its sharpness.. feels almost like a monday!! lol
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I think that in the third to last line, "into" should have been "in".
This poem really presents an atmosphere very clearly... the stress is well-shown. I also like how you speak of waking up in the last stanza, after all the tension... as if to say you're that apprehensive in your sleep, so the reader is left to imagine what reality is like. The last couplet is also a very nicely penned image.
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An intense
piece written from the heart. Whether this explains you or others - some can relate to this. I am fortunate not to have had these experiences or feelings - perhaps stupidity prevented understanding. But I have discovered how 'the scream of the alarm' can make each day a journey of enjoyment and contentment. I am humbled by the fact that this is possible. Your write is a precious one. Take care. Frans
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Very dark thoughts nicely expressed. However today is a simply beautiful day so the alarm was very welcome
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"wicked light of dawn" is a great phrase.
I believe I've felt this way about getting for for school. -
A very powerful piece, though I am very attached to rhyme. Free verse is a lovely faction when done in a lovely fashion. I have written a few but it just is not me. I own one book of poetry and it is the works of Robert Frost. Thank you for asking my opinion, my best wishes always.
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This is a very intense and real write.....i can relate to it, waking and wanting to just pull the covers over one's head, as the night has been dark and restless.
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hhmmm..
funny how this feels like deja vu?
for some reason it seems as though I've read this before..wait a min. no, ok I got it! this is a reality
I've lived! Intense write. well done.
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It's hard to greet the light of day when you've had a bad or disturbing dream, sometimes I have those. But I think they will pass, you have to do some happy things during the day.
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I pray for you for peace ...
and giggles of soft joy
Love
Myra
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Intense
"In the morning the scream of the alarm
jolts my raw nerves into the wicked light of dawn," that is exactly how I feel every morning...lol...I think I understand your wrestling with insomnia here, and I must say that this piece is really brilliant. I love the adjectives you use to get your message across. This work is shear brilliance.
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Wow the abrupt use of each word is strong. This is dark- not dark like scary- but just the kind of poem that pulls a person into a dark hole ..
Crisp lines . Clear thoughts. Well done.
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