i.
jets danced stars: twilight existence;
we traveled timelessly.
space unfolded pathways
as distant matter beckoned-
separated
chasing shadows
& hoop-skirted moons;
my gaze fell off the very edge
of the world
into you
ii.
oblivion was never empty
in the charcoal of your stare
though galaxies
had wrinkled complexions
& the Milkyway was but cobwebs
& dust;
you looked ever onward
from the 8x10 confines
of my father's portrait.
Author notes
There, I think this works much better now.
A contest entry
- Critiques by Melissa Gayle.
1650 points, ended September 4, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Review Desired.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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it was a aswome poem i was like wow by the end it was very interestin and kept me really like wow
god bless love cassie -
For me, this is quite abstract and it begins with the opening image.
Absolutely love the 'chasing shadows' stanza.
And your ending is good as well, but from the first stanza to the last there seems to be the slightest bit of a disjointed feeling -
I felt you were oil painting the
words with each stroke and line to see the final
portrait of what you wanted us to see!
I thought it was clever, very clever!
Oblivion was never empty in the charcoal of your stare,
loved that line!
I do agree with your author notes, that a little connecting here and there, just faint touches,
to improve the flow is all that is needed.
ears/Seattle
way to write!
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Oh I do like that ending! Totally unexpected, which I like lol
Beautiful imagery throughout. I think it's awesome. Can't critique as I'm not good enough. I only know I love what I read here
All the best.
Gayklene
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this has GOT to be what they're teaching in school, with an eye toward poetic density, the other explanation is that this type of writing is just plain cool (which it is)... I do like what it achieves- the vision of the world through an artistic and tasteful mind... (which you achieve here more often than not- it breaks down at your first complete sentence, and you get too literal at the end, although I like to mix the two up to keep the reader alert)... It might even become THE signature form of your time... why, I could do an entire novel in such a vein... but the method does not come naturally to me- I've been writing/thinking in complete sentences for a lifetime already... (Christina tried to break me of that 2-3 years ago, without much success, unfortunately, she'd teasingly call me "and Wayne"!)
So you are writing in a style that does not have an official name yet, and "columnar prosaic symbolism in sentence fragments" just doesn't have a 'ring' to it... but it does get close... (and it might make a nice title/subject for a future piece, let me make a note of that...!) In fact, I might use your writing as a springboard, if you don't mind... (with due credit, as is my custom)
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I would be honored if you used my writing as a springboard. Though I am surprised to find that I am writing in a specific style. I only ever had one (rather useless) poetry class in school. All of my writes since have been for AP. Heheh, well, I shall try to deviate it a bit then.
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"jets danced stars: airplane existence-"
I think the : & the - is unneeded...
you could just separate them into
separate
lines.
Or do w/e you like.
"we traveled timelessly."
'timelessly' is a nice, ethereal-ishy word.
"space unfolded pathways
as distant matter beckoned"
I think these lines are poetic, but I do not find myself interested.
It's probably my mood, not your writing.
"hoop-skirted moons"
Love the hyphen & creativity here.
Also...you chose the right words to separate & italicize...although, I think one space is enough...not like...10.
"charcoal of your stare"
Makes me think of a dark succubus. Maybe. Just kidding.
The last 3 lines are good.
Good luck
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But I like this. Very good use of imagery, and the ending is so.. poetic and heartfelt, I guess.
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Reads pretty powerful so far.
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