Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Shine Darkness

Suppress your fears

Passing sky, see a resonating light.

all pain consuming,

a voice welcomes a dark

plague, innocense

bringing me down.

 

Can hide no more?

Feel a sore in my heart.

Doesn’t it feel good?

I scream as dark shine

Some scary scenes. All

fears, a caught, drawn back, in eyes

Hid lost in wrinkle hands.

 

From above laughter

uncontrollably, shine darkness,

swiped its hand,

brushing against

a gentle touch,

while a voice

Speak little man

 

 

Hey! Are you there?

Author notes

Depression
Prompt: POW

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 33 of 33

  • storiesuntold
    November 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Awesome write here

    I read this piece three times and with each time on the last verse it so touched my heart .

    • saddie23 gold member
      November 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      Thank you for the wonderful comment given to my poem. When I wrote this poem I just had lost my job three months past and starting to feel unapprieciated. Saddie23

  • nevadapoet
    August 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I'm sorry...a sad and depressing write, but well written.
    Nevadapoet


  • NeonRose
    August 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi, and welcome to the POW!

    I'm sorry to say I had a bit of trouble with this write. Spelling and grammar are very important to me when reading a poem, and this write had problems in those areas.

    I think you have tried to 'fit' a poem into this contest, rather than write one specifically for it, and that leads to strange sentence structure and choppy flow, when filler words are pre-empted without re-constructing the lines.

    The basic sense of your topic does come through, and with some editing this could be an excellent write.

    My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!

    Remember, no editing once a judge has commented!
    • saddie23 gold member
      August 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      Thank u for the wonderful sentiment given to my poem. My attempt to produce a good poem came short when I couldn't add filler words. I had two at the beginning of the write, and took them out. My write didn't change much, but left what u see here. I could have made longer since this free verse, but was limit on the amount of lines for the contest. Later I will add the second part of the poem, and correct my mistakes and make this a better poem. I have learned from u wonderful poets on what it takes to be a better writer. I will take what I have learn and improve on some of my early writes here at AP. Thanks again for having this wonderful contest. Saddie23

  • Clovis...Curious silver member
    August 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Wow, a most intriguing write. I could relate to it because of past personal expriences. Your imagery was unique. Thanks for sharing.

    . Rewarded 4

    • saddie23 gold member
      August 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      Thank u for responding and commenting on my poem. I like that u liked. Also, I liked applaude given. Saddie23

  • trista gold member
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi saddie and welcome to the POW

    I don't recall seeing you here before...forgive me if I'm wrong, as we so sooo many poets in the PO contests over time...but I hope you'll find this to be a good experience for you, and with some good feedback which you may...or may not...want to use.

    The first thing I noticed is a very mixed up and confused tone, very fitting for the expression of depression. Unfortunately...the grammar and punctuation need polishing up to give the poem some clarity...I think from other comments you've gotten also, much of the confusion is coming from that. I'm not sure if the rule about the "banned" words has something to do with that also? Some poets simply pluck them from the poem without trying to work around them, and that causes awkwardness....but it's not glaringly apparent you tried to do that, so I'm not sure. Normally I'd advise being careful of using too many pronouns, but I think putting a bit more of "yourself" into the poem might be helpful for starters, then working with the grammar and punctuation. For example:
    " (I) Feel a sore in my heart."
    "Doesn’t it feel good?" One suggestion, if you have two separate "voices" speaking in a poem, (which this line seems like it is, to me?) is to use regular type offset with italicized for the alternate speaking parts...
    "I scream as dark shine" This was awkward, and I'm not sure of your meaning. "shines" instead of "shine" would make it grammatically better, or better yet "darkness shines", but then I still question just what that means?
    "Some scary scenes. All" What is a "scary" scene? Can you describe it, show what it looks like, tastes like, smells like? This helps your reader understand just what you are experiencing, since "scary" is very broad and can mean different things to different people. A good metaphor would be great here!
    "fears, a (are?) caught, drawn back, in eyes" (a period here, since next line begins with a capped letter...or else no capping next line if the sentence was supposed to continue...)
    Hid lost in wrinkle hands." (comma after "hid", and "wrinkled" instead of "wrinkle")

    Okay, whew! I hope it doesn't seem like I'm picking your poem totally apart...that is not my intention...just want to try and show you the little things that can make such a big difference....and bring clarity to your work overall, not to mention help in areas like flow, impact, and power.

    Another of the things we put a lot of importance on in the PO contests, is finding a creative theme to write on...or a creative view of a more common one. Depression is a very common theme...making it an even bigger challenge for you...to show it to us in a light we've never seen before. I see good possibilities here...because I see a lot of depth and feeling, and this is a subject obviously very close to you right now. You have a view of the world...and depression...unlike anyone else's...and that is what we want to see and will be looking for, if you write on more common themes. I think if you take a look at some of the past PO contests, you'll get a good feel for what I mean about that.

    Other areas I looked at and score on will be with the final notes of the contest...

    Thanks so much for your entry, and I look forward to seeing more of you in future PO's!

    Good luck and best wishes,
    ~J.
    • saddie23 gold member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thanku

      Thank u Trista, for details on the PO contest. I liked that u weren't overally critically, but gave goodd structual advise on what ur looking forward in these contest. I see my work is cut out for me, and I take ur advise with a grain of salt. I know u weren't picking my poem apart, but giving me incite to what a good poem should look like. I will take ur advise and run with it. I had fun, and look forward to bring ur advise to a better poem. I guess I will be polishing mistakes and try to improve on the things u pointed out for me. I'm not one to shy away, and u bet I'll be back bigger and stronger with all the knowledge given to my poem. Saddie23

      • trista gold member
        August 17, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        You have an awesome attitude towards your writing and the PO's...it's been an honor to read and critique your poem...I look forward to seeing you back again!


        ~J.

  • aboomer silver member
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I find this hard to comment on....your theme is quite common and I also found this confusing to read - the flow was off for me, the thoughts and movement of this too jumbled. I know depression can be like that, so I realize this write fits that thought process. it's a good write - shows your emotion and inner turmoil, but just didn't jell together for me all that well as far as reading it - if that makes any sense to you.
    I do like that you can put your emotions and thoughts together like this, and I do feel it is a good write but it just lacks the impact and lasting impression.


    ** No editing once a judge has commented.
    My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
    • saddie23 gold member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      thank u for the commenting on my poem. I felt that inner turmoil is a bit hard to understand. But leaves u guessing in the end to bring emotions to the surface like a rollercoaster. Never fully seening the scrambled thoughts given, but letting u ride this turmoil too. I had fun even by chance I don't win. Saddie23

      • aboomer silver member
        August 17, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Yes, it is hard to understand depression. I hit those 'dark slumps' and emotions can be a rollercoaster ride that is not fun. I guess, for me, my thoughts are more organized...lol....dark, but not as jumbled. But that's probably because I'm older and have had more time to deal with it.
        And I'm glad you enjoyed writing this. You have talent; I hope we see it again.
        best wishes

  • Arkbear gold member
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello

     

    Welcome to the PO' Contests.....so glad you found time to join us

     

    Period after 1st *fears*....never repeat if possible....as well as *dark, dark, darkness*....makes my brain go backwards....I want to go forward in thought ~

     

    Not sure what innocence has to do with your Theme ~

     

    *all fears a caught*....not sure about what that means ~

     

    *drawn back a eyes*....this is awkward as well ~

     

    I feel as though you have tried to pull filler words.......after.....you have written your work......and as you have discovered, you can not do this

     

    This shall help you..>> http://allpoetry.com/group/show/Contests%20for%20POD%20POW%20POM%20POY  .....you can read winning entries, and others, pertaining to Filler Words....or, the lack of ~

     

    You must work around filler words.....and write as though these words never existed in the human language ~

     

    *wrinkle* hands?........or......wrinkled?

     

    Yes.....this write has some major issues with grammar.....yet, it is only because you are new to the concept of no Filler Words......we hope you return to keep trying......this is a challenge which every entrant is going to have in the PO' Contests ~

     

    Let my board say the rest

     

    Good luck and God bless you!

     

    Bear ~

     

    Title   9.8....I would click on this Title -

    Flow   8.5.....this is an area we hope to work with you on, pertaining to Filler Words....please go to  http://allpoetry.com/group/show/Contests%20for%20POD%20POW%20POM%20POY - to view other PO' Contests.....this shall help you tremendously -

    Depth   8.75....depth is okay....just not enough of it -

    Theme 8.0....this Theme is most common....Creativity is what we are looking for -

    Feelings   8.75...not a lot of fellings -

    Grammar   7.65....ouch...this is where you will be hit hard....take your time and work around those Filler Words -

    Presentation 10...nice font....keep it black....background needs to be white, but we do allow a Poet a chance to learn how to get the White required....no deduction, this time  - 

    Uncommonness  8.0....Creativity is how your scores will soar -

    Sit & Ponder Affect  8.75....difficult at first to understand -

    Ability to follow Rules  10...prefect from what I can tell....background wll cost you next time ....go into editing mode....click on *background ....make it white -

    Bears Score:  88.2

    I am looking forward to your return....your fist PO' Contests score is not bad....good luck!

    No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~

    • saddie23 gold member
      August 17, 2008

      Edit | Reply

      Thank u

      Thank u Bear for having these contest. I originally was going to make this into a lyric poem, on the baisis on what I read on the web, but a parody to the lyric "Darkshine"- which envolves depression. That it to be cool, but remembered the patent rule. Its been fun to come to ur contest and learn as well entering the contest. Saddie23
  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hello and welcome this was a good write but I have seen so many pieces on this theme so it is not very uncommon for me but you worded it a bit different so it works it reminds me of the voices that I hear sometimes lol I am not sure if that is a bad thing or not I to would of liked to have it a bit longer with more into. My score will be posted at teh end of the contest. Be well
    • saddie23 gold member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      Thank u for not DQing my poem and hosting this wonderful contest. It gives me a chance to do better in the next one held. Also enriches me to become a better writer, which that is my goal at these contest held here at AP. Thank u for the wonderful sentiments given to my poem. Saddie23

  • Justinintendo
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hello, I have seen 1 rule broken with your entry...no white background. Other than that. I like this entry. your theme is a trifle more common, but still is really good regardless. I have seen some spelling and grammar errors. But the presentation was good.

    Justinintendo's scores:

    Rules: 9.5
    Grammar: 9.5
    Punctuation: 9.7
    Flow: 9.5
    Vocabulary: 9.4
    Thought: 9.7
    Depth: 9.5
    Imagery: 9.7
    Impact: 9.6
    Presentation: 9.5

    Justinintendo's Total: 95.6
    • saddie23 gold member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      Thank u for the wonderful response to my poem. Thank u for the score. I really didn't think I would score this high, since I missed one of the rules. Least I have a running start, which is always good. Saddie23

  • BC. Loki
    August 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I'd reccommend that you check all spelling and grammar before you put a piece up for a casual feature, other than that I couldn't exactly follow this poem, I guess I dont have the mindset required to read and understand this fully. But I do enjoy the oxymorons you placed within this poem

  • Riamh
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This definitely shows the mixed emotions of depression......the last line "Hey! are you there?" seems oddly out of place, but more important is that you are here and able to express how you feel, so beautifully.
    Well done.
    Slayer

  • paw-writer silver member
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is surely what it feels like when one is down in that deep, dark hole of depression. Your mind kind of goes all over the place huh? Great job in this poem expressings some painful and dark emotions. Keep writing as it can be so healing. Blessings, Patty

    . Rewarded 4


  • Uniquely-Scarred
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i was lost with this piece, it seems like there is no real structure holding it together, mind you thats just my hummble opinion
    • saddie23 gold member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      Its not really hard to understand when ur in a depression and all u can think of wierd place in ur mind going off the deep end. Then u start to wake up as the end ur depression comes to an end. Last line is a shine on darkness portrayed. Hoped u liked. Saddie23

  • shadedgrey
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    To be honest I don't get it. I can't tell if the grammar is messed up or if I have missed something and you have written this in a way I'm not familiar with. That aside I can tell this meant a lot to you whe you wrote it, and I would be interested to know what that is and what this is about.
    • saddie23 gold member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      Thank u for stopping by and hoped u smiled at the end. Its weird thoughts given in a depression hoping to make what I'm feeling at the time of depression, Kinda weird, but felt good to vent. Hoped u liked. The last line is a place in my mind waking me up to reality and was to make u smile. Saddie23

  • Angelflower
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ok I dont mean to sound mean or anything like that but the last line made me chuckle for some reason.. But the emotions in this write were really intense.. You did a wonderful job.. Thank you very much for sharing and best of luck in the contest!!!


    Angel
    • saddie23 gold member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      thank u for chuckling at the end. Its to make u think what depression feels like and then the chuckle is for u wake up. Saddie23

  • oracle55
    August 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Interesting...

    • saddie23 gold member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      thank u for stopping by and commenting. Saddie23

  • X.Dalila.Fontane.X
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very much sounds like you were in much emotion when you wrote this, Its Amazing, I love the first stanza <3

    [C4C? ]

    • saddie23 gold member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      Thank u for commenting on my poem. I'm glad u liked. Been dealing with a lot of emotional baggage and need to vent. Thank u for wonderful response to my poem. Saddie23
1 - 33 of 33