where did I see you?
you must have been around
maybe you were in my line of sight
a silhouette just passing through
I saw you at the top of the stairs
perhaps that's where it was
another cold victory march
again...
did I awaken doubts within you
and make you change your plans?
disperse your dreams in the pouring rain
along with the poppy seeds
was there that one brief moment
that took you by surprise
all sewn up in brocaded life
again...
did I see you walking in the dark
at a loss of who you were?
you had tears on your face
at that lonely moment
and a syringe clasped tight in your hand
and will I see you give back
more than I could ever take
again...
did I wake you up and whisper
to tell you to go back home
for a city life is as cold as death
with empty bible covenants
again...
A contest entry
- Critiques by Melissa Gayle.
1650 points, ended September 4, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
I persoanlly did not like how nearly every stanza began the same, change the wording around and it would help greatly.
I am also not sure about the questions filtered throughout the piece.
There are places where you could remove some of the 'filler words' to help the flow more.
You do have some good images sprinkled throughout but there are definite places that it seems to be a bit wordy.
Overall a good piece -
excellent write. observations well done, and there's a lover who cares here, i'm thinkin, and that's why this works so well ... you pen with flair and confidence, your format is perfection and your last lines are a sure pop and fizz way to slam the door on a good, brusque poem at the exact right instant
three turtle seal of excellence
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