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Gemini Moon

 artist unknown, taken from Google

 

 

 

The Moon over Gemini blinks
when ghost owl wings stir clouded skies,
painting the night in Indian inks

as Summer hides in cool disguise.

When ghost owl wings stir clouded skies,
the Mountain stands with bated breath
as Summer hides in cool disguise
it waits upon the Springtime’s death.

The Mountain stands with bated breath,
the Valley chokes in pre-dawn mist.
It waits upon the Springtime’s death
as blooms lay damp where dew has kissed.

The Valley chokes in pre-dawn mist,
painting the night in Indian inks

as blooms lay damp where dew has kissed

and the Moon over Gemini

blinks.





Author notes

While this is obviously about the changing of seasons, it is also a very personal write about living with someone with bipolar disorder. This is about a troubled relationship I once had. The moon over Gemini represents both her and I, as we were both Gemini...a very fitting sign for someone who is bipolar. The ghost owl is alcohol. Spring and summer represent her manic and depressed states. I was the mountain. The valley was her crashing to depths of depression. The blooms were our four daughters (two each from previous marriages).

As with all my poetry, I appreciate constructive feedback so that I can improve as a writer. Please give it to me straight, I'm a big boy, I can take it.

Written in pantoum form

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 50 of 50

  • Night Hope gold member
    November 6

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    I recalled reading this one before, Rory. It is still an important and quite potent piece, as well. The moon has often been blamed for variations in people's moods, but I think it lies more within our own personal body chemistry. Those with bipolar disorders, depression or other mental illnesses often suffer from an imbalance in that very chemistry. Thank you for entering my contest, my Friend. Good luck, Sweetie.




  • lovlilmystery
    August 28

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    Wow

    This is unusual. I have never seen, this kind of poem before. I really did like it. You will have to read my poem, I am Pisces and he is Gemini. Good read.
    Take care.

    Sandi


  • pineapple-eyes gold member
    August 25

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    Great write. Loved it the first time round, read your authors notes and got a different take on it the second. Wonderful when you can do that. Thanks


  • kylierenea
    August 16

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    I love the tone of this poem and how you ended it. I like how you left the last word farther down the page, creating a pause before it. Very creative. Thanks for entering my contest


  • moonlitanime
    August 15

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    I love this poem the detail is so beautifully reflected thought out the poem that interests me to imagine what pain you must have gone though in the past.

    I would not change a thing about this beautiful poem

  • This is beautifully written, so much great symbolism, and I'd already decided it must be a metaphor for mental illness, even before I got to the AN. I am bi polar myself and I know we must be incredibly hard to live with. I know relationships tend to be tempestuous. Spring struck a chord since I too find that can be a difficult time. Or maybe you mean that metaphorically as well. Anyway, it's an impressive write. I hope your former partner knows you wrote this. I think she would be very touched.

  • This is absolutely brilliant!
    Your metaphor is so clever and describes bipolar so much.

    I love how you repeated lines,
    and the rhyme scheme and rhythm kept me interested

    Great write!!!!

    I wouldn't change a thing about this poem

  • piccola silver member
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    this is so creative ... I really like the phrase about indian inks.
    The rhyme and flow are great too. Nice job thank you for entering.

  • i appreciate the explanation, i could tell there was a deeper meaning behind the poem but was too deep for me to understand. great entry!


  • condor gold member
    February 14
    Edit | Reply
    Lovely. Your words painted a picture on their own without the one you provided. The calm in the words and the softness of its flow were just beautiful. I love that part...The mountain stands with bated breath. It put an image in my mind of a very tall mountain in the shadows. Perfect. The best of luck in the contest.


  • angelli803
    January 23

    Edit | Reply

    nearly speechless

    but how could i be? my thoughts and emotions danced along with your words in rhythm... simply a magical piece of art you have here.
    i will be seeking out your poetry in the future, for this was truly inspiring...
    thank you for entering...


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    December 22, 2008

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    I love the variance in the Pantoum. True to form with elegance added. I love form verse.

    Your visual descriptives, I have noticed, are deep and rich with live imagery; nature and earth, moon, sky, planets.

    Very well done. I am pleased to see trophies of recognition for this fine work. ~Pamela


  • Robin Candor
    December 11, 2008

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    I'm not sure how I missed this piece for so long. You and I have such similar experiences. Obviously the notes were helpful, but it doesn't change the value of the piece. This one is extremely impressive even if the reader simply reads it from a universal standpoint. The painting of imagery here is really better than I can do as I am normally way too wordy. Capturing what one whats to share in a shorter space is a talent and an ability that I don't believe can be taught. I know why you wanted me to see this for more than one reason. I'm not sure which moon I'm under right now and some family members have called to check on me after recent conversations with the other half that they found disturbing. They know the cycles too. RC

  • soulseer
    November 23, 2008

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    very very nice
    i liked the flow and the repetition
    it was a very simple enjoyable poem
    quite nice


  • csmmoms2
    November 23, 2008

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    Stunning

    It really is a song isn't it. Great night time flow! Moody picture, great notes, quiet wings, dark inks and...love of course. -c


  • Ellis gold member
    November 15, 2008

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    Very well written

    So glad you explained in the Author's Notes what this all meant. It is a beautiful poem. I love the rhyme.

  • condor gold member
    November 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am glad i came and read this piece as it has so much to say. Reading your notes, i went back and read a second time and saw the meaning there. Two views to this piece which sat perfectly together. I love that line 'the valley chokes in pre-dawn mist' I believe this is her depression at its lowest point. You used words here that really gave this piece a life of its own. I know you asked for constructive criticism, and i will give it where needed, this piece to me is nothing short of perfect and needs no editing. It speaks volumes of feelings whichever scenario you look at. It can rage with anger, or simmer with mood or peacefulness. I thought it was brilliant and am once again glad that i came by to this piece.


  • BabyBun silver member
    November 3, 2008
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    Such an evocative and charming piece - great entry - good luck


  • XLadyElinorX
    October 29, 2008

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    Poet, this is superb. You have conjured such beauty and feeling - I'm amazed. . . the pantoum always seemed difficult to me but this is gorgeous . . .

    best of luck!


  • staticgrace
    October 29, 2008
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    It waits upon the Springtime’s death
    as blooms lay damp where dew has kissed.

    Wow, what immortal words. This is truly a sensitive, intricate work of art, and my heart went out to you on hearing of the story behind it. I hope you go far with your writing, and you and your partner will be in my prayers x


  • TabbyCat
    September 21, 2008

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    What an interesting format...this is something I hadn't seen before, and greatly enjoyed. The symbolism behind your words, as explained in the author's notes, was also appreciated. You've written a beautiful, smoothly flowing, delicately rhymed poem here.


  • poetryality silver member
    September 20, 2008

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    Very cleverly written. The symbolism written here is easy to detect. I am grateful for the Author's Notes because they allowed me to see that I was on the right track. "Gemini" being the twins, was the clue.

    Excellent!


    Much Love & Respect ♥

    Renee


  • Xx Alice xX
    September 3, 2008

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    Sometimes our rocky roads pathe the way to some very good writes.
    My writes don't come as often since I married. Happiness must tone them a bit.


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    August 27, 2008

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    Just a beautiful poem. I got lost in the emotion and had to go back and read this over. Gorgeous is the only word I can find to the the poem and the sentiment behind it justice. Welcome to the finalist list. Best to you


  • Asdzaa Nadleehe
    August 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    An excellent write, I enjoyed your Author notes for this piece as well...
    Many blessings
    Best wishes with this entry...
    ~A~


  • Kappa Pyua
    August 22, 2008

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    Whaat form of poetry was this. It is a lovely piece and it intrigues my poetry whim. Thanks for sharing such a delighted read. UNT


  • storiesuntold gold member
    August 22, 2008

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    A very touching write here

    I wasnt sure at first it was taklking about people until i read your note but I found it lovely in bothe styles as it is one of my enjoyments in life is the moon and the world of nature about me

  • Harlequin
    August 22, 2008
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    Excellent

    Beautiful emotions, captured in your flowing imagery...Excellent write...Jeff


  • Dalaney gold member
    August 22, 2008

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    i'm a gemini, too...

    there is so much in this poem that i
    can identify with. it almost makes
    me shiver.

    Lane xxoo


  • Emile
    August 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Very Good

    Remarkable! This is a great poem and I felt the emotions swimming throughout it. The author uses good imagery and maintains a poetic flow through the whole piece. The poem has a message and delivers it well Nice flow of words and a pleasant sounding poem. I enjoyed reading this poem.


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    August 22, 2008

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    Exequisite writing!

    I'm not sure this format truly did your poem justice,
    because when you read the authors note, it truly
    blows you away as to the genius of this poem!

    Don't get me wrong, flawless this is!
    But those author notes...really shone of purest GOLD!
    Loved it, loved it, loved it!
    ears/Seattle way to write!


  • Lowell Poe
    August 21, 2008

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    The symbolism can not be beat.
    This is gold!
    Without the notes...it stands alone as just a work of art.
    With them...
    it is almost like two poems.
    I just started writing what my work means to me.
    Sometimes ya just have to.
    This is one that did not need it...
    not because I knew what your thoughts were but
    this is one where the reader could inject his or herself in to it...
    and it can be taken with so many meanings.
    This is where you shine...
    the universal suddenly becomes personal.
    There is a craftsman feel to this,
    the journeyman who was never really an apprentice.
    Just a beautiful piece of work.
    I do not say this lightly,
    very well done.
    You have the ability to transport.
    There is so much of you in this,
    yet you give it to the reader as their own.
    Bravo!

    Many blessings Rory,
    LOWELL


  • klassy lassy
    August 19, 2008

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    I think this poetry is gorgeous. I love villanelles and pantoums. Something magical envelops in the reading if they are well done, and this one sort of caught around my heart... and made me re-read several times. It's well deserves the trophy!

    I can sympathize with your author notes.




  • kirkman
    August 18, 2008

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    Tops!

    It is a great peice, well laid out.Appreciated the interpretation, altho it could well stand on its own apart from the personal experience.


  • Night Hope gold member
    August 17, 2008
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    Magnifique, mon ami...


  • Suzianne
    August 17, 2008

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    Gemini Moon walks us through the seasons in a fresh and interesting way. What you did with the spacing of the final line is very clever. It blinks at the reader. Well done!


  • Gwenevere
    August 17, 2008

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    This is a stunner.Excellent poem to accompany a gorgeous picture.The only thing I might change is using bated breath twice but hey who am I to criticise.I used to live with a Gemini so I know what you lot are like.I also have a daughter who is one and a sister, brother and father-in-law.HELP!!!! don't you feel sorry for me , Ros


  • Molassis
    August 17, 2008

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    Whoa Rory... this might very well be the best piece you've written to date! Seriously... I was blown away as I read each word. I am so sorry this piece bloomed from ashes but those ashes sure did spawn a wonderous piece...

    I see it was done for a contest... I do so hope that you win... it truly is deserving of a gold! It is perfect in meter and in rhyme. From the little I know of the Pantoum form I'd say it's dead on.

    Best wishes to you Rory...

    ~Melissa

  • luvdrkchocolate
    August 17, 2008

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    Oh. This is a very nice poem that you have penned in her! It's a form poem, isn't it? I love form poems. And you have a lot of creative lines too. I really like the one about the indian inks. I was surprised by your author notes because if you hadn't told me that, then I would never have known it was such a person write. It sounds like you had a pretty rough ride in that relationship but at least you were able to be her strong mountain. I'm not so good at constructive criticism but if you are looking for some, then you probably want to put this in the 'critical' section instead of the 'casual' section. Because the casual section is only for nice comments.


  • shadedgrey
    August 17, 2008

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    The structure is very interesting and well thought out and stays true to what you've written in your authors notes. My only criticism is that while I did pick up on the topic of seasonal change, I never would have made the connections you pointed out in your notes, but maybe thats because it's so personal. Once i understood it better though i could see what a good piece it is well done


  • Sunshine Always
    August 17, 2008
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    Beautiful Rory, A winner in my book. Good luck with this one...mal

  • Bad Bill
    August 17, 2008

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    A very accomplished piece, Rory. It flows and rhymes wonderfully and I thoroughly enjoyed reading such a fine poem.

    Bill

  • Suzianne
    August 17, 2008
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    Beautiful

    You did a wonderful job of making the flow so fluid that it allowed the form to recede so that it did not overwhelm the poem. Well done, indeed.

  • Topnotchsy
    August 16, 2008

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    Based on your Author's Notes I went back and read the poem through a couple of times, but unfortunately I wasn't able to find anything to critique. The form is wonderful, the imagery is beautiful, and the rhyming does not feel forced at all. One of the nicest pieces I've read in a long time. Best of luck in the contest with this one.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    August 16, 2008
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    An amazing achievement a Pantoum I enjoyed!!!


  • malmadre gold member
    August 16, 2008

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    Very nice, it makes me want to try the form, you have presented a beautiful mysterious scene..the death of springtime and so very well rhymed..be proud of this one.

  • tara wilson gold member
    August 16, 2008
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    beautiful imagery...


  • Feline-Fancy
    August 16, 2008

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    The imagery was fabulous. You can very well see the painted picture that you're describing.

    I loved the fact of your repition. It was all repeated very beautifully, and I loved how you did it.

    Again, amazing job!


  • sunray
    August 16, 2008

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    Evokes rich imagery to me

    Interesting the way you've repeated lines and how they move one's viewpoint into a different place, was a bit unsure of how this worked at first, but then I decided I liked the way it pulled the subject together.My kind of poetry though.


  • theyellowleaf
    August 16, 2008

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    Suave and Southwestern

    I like this, though I admit it's in a repeating format I'm not familiar with. The Indian ink part was very strong, and I liked the spacing/positioning of the last word of the poem. I've also written about the astrological position of my moon, which is Scorpio, in one of my poems, so it's nice to hear another perspective. I dated a moon in Gemini girl for three years and she drove me nuts!

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