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Summer Sacrifice

Summer sacrifice
Time ripped from my grasp
Untold remembrance
Now only a lapse

Temperature rising
Only numbers to me
Numbness, lost feeling
Four walls, all I see

Laughter is silenced
Tears only a stain
Summer is burning
Like blood through my veins

Alas almost over,
Finally, reaching the end
Summer memories erased
Before they could begin!

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • VeneVidiVici
    August 30, 2008

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    Your rhyming isn't really very good, frankly. Grasp does not rhyme with lapse; end does not rhyme with begin; stain does not (technically) rhyme with veins, though it ALMOST does.

    This looks like it would be a lot better if the rhyming got a few more rewrites. As it is, I could feel the emotion; that was done very well. Some good imagery here. It leaves me feeling sort of tired and worn-out, which, for this poem, is a good thing. =P Good luck in the contest.


  • lianonsidhe silver member
    August 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Enjoyed this very much. So sad.
    I loved the lines:
    'Summer is burning
    Like blood through my veins'
    Summer often has an affect on us that makes us feel like holidays, happy times and endless energy, but if four walls are all you see then the pain of not being able to 'summer' like others would truly 'burn' in your veins.
    I also loved the pathos in the last lines;
    'Summer memories erased
    Before they could begin!' Excellent write. Thank you for sharing.


  • Terry Collett
    August 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Good poem.

    Good poem and enjoyed


  • nevadapoet
    August 18, 2008

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    Summer is supposed to be full of fun, not four walls. Sounds like it couldn't come to an end soon enough. The poem was good with good flow good rhyme. Well done.
    Nevadapoet


  • Mortal
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A sad poem for sure in topic in style however it's eerily cheery, the rhyme is well executed but for the end where it's either very sloppy or not there.


    • Dena62265
      August 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for reading. Could you please elaborate a little more on the ending. I'm not quiet sure what you mean. thanks
      Dena


      • Mortal
        August 18, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        The ending either doesn't rhyme at all on purpose, or is a badly chosen rhyme as it's sloppy.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! Quite the powerful piece Love some of the imagery you've portryed here. Best of luck to you in your contest


    • Dena62265
      August 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for taking the time to read, and the kind words.
      Dena

1 - 9 of 9