The streets smell like heated rain
And the lights glare, they spread like fire
The wet gravel crumbles and groans under his feet
He shifts left and right, always checking for inturders feet
Eyes piercing through alleys dark, long, and lonely
Scared to stay standing still
Scared to move forward into the seeming dark abyss
Timid, nervous movements, slowly he moves forward
Comments
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what's going on?
in this? and what can be done about "he shifts left and right, always checking for intruder's feet"? i apologize for being so blunt. if you are looking for an honest response, i'm your girl friday. suggest defining the scenario a bit more, and fixing the last line of the first stanza. also... no "seeming dark abyss"... strange phrasing. and if something is piercing, it's already going through something. sorry for this comment...it's not very kind. -
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Thanks
dont apologize, its your opinion. Now as a writer i reserve the right to explain mself and hopefully you can help me to protray what it is I wanted in my writing. Now in the line "he shifts left and right, always checking for intruder's feet." is to express the man's anxiousness of being followed. The words "seeming dark abyss" , dark abyss is refering to hell and its ment to descride the "alley" as completely dark and somewhat ominous. and when I say eyes piercing, I mean that his eyes are searching the alley with exstream effort. This poem is suppose to express anxiety, fear, hesitation, and nervousness. The first few lines are describing a place, the last are more metaphoric for our own anxiety about moving forward through life but also being afraid to stay exactly the way we are. NOw that you know why I wrote what I wrote, tell me how can I make it better?
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Wow! I really enjoyed this. For being so short its so easy to visualize the images. So beautifully written I must say. I just loved the ending line. It fit so perfectly Wonderful write!
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