Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

The Soldier

The soldier at the top of the charts,

Waiting until it find the perfect victim to strike,
A victim to kill.
The soldier, the murder, the one with no guilt, no shame,
No thoughts, no regrets, no telling what is next.

All’s fine at first, don’t notice a thing.
The soldier getting in place,
Making it’s first move,
Attacking, stabbing the victim, some in places unheard,
Getting the victim weaker and weaker.

It begins with a cough, or a sneeze or two,
Possibly a fever.
Nothing seems wrong,
The cold or the flu,
Until your rushing to the hospital room.

The sighs are bad, nothing is good.
Life is slipping with no chance of it returning.
Was it too late?
Had the soldier won the battle already?
Not if he is caught too early.

He travels looking for the reason he came,
Once he finds it it’s a matter of time,
The matter of how long you can survive.
A week, a month, a few years at that,
Or a day of insanity.

Destroying the body, and loving it too.
He watches them suffer, he watches them cry,
He’s laughing inside.
It brings him joy,
But it’s time to pull the plug.

He found it. He found it.
He stabs and he slashes,
Unstoppable, Unbeatable,
Unreachable.
Finished.

The victim fights,
It fights and fights.
But the lymph nods dieing.
One by one, two by two,
All by all.

The victim’s losing.
The soldier’s retreating to watch the finally moments.
It was time for the victim to die.
The victim puts everything it’s got,
Until the body shuts down.

  ~Poemmac, Mac Morris

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Maybe Anastasia
    February 3

    Edit | Reply
    This is... amazing. I love the way you wrote it. I dont even really know how to describe my feelings for it. I love the idea of the soldier. I think it needs a new title though. but other than that I love it.


  • I.am.the.sun.
    February 2

    Edit | Reply
    finally should be final,and nods should be nodes. honestly... i dont think he would appreciate a poem which says that theres no way or chance that he could beat it. my dad is going through cancer right now, my mom went through it, and my step grandmother just got diagnosed with it. the last thing anyone wants to hear is that there isnt even a 0.00000000001% chance that they could come back.
    i didnt like how you referred to cancer as a soldier, and referred to it as much as you did. if this is written for one person in particular, like you said, then i wouldnt keep saying just 'victim' like he's being cropped in with just a large group of people and doesnt stand out. he's your uncle! make him stand out! make him feel like cancer is taking the most valued person its ever taken yet.
    before he goes, if he does, he wants to know he's important, to know he's loved. you writing this for him shows him both of those, and no matter what you write, he's going to love it. but if you want it to be a little more, then those are some suggestions of mine.
    also, i didnt like how the structure kept changing, it made it hard to read smoothly for me.
    good luck!

  • mjm1495
    December 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for the suggestions I tried my best to fix it. Thank You again.


  • Xx.Toxic.xX
    December 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    the concept is a very powerful one, and the way it's worded only adds to its strength, but the grammar/spelling errors distract from the overall effect of the piece. it is still a very nice write though.


  • Dead Hair
    November 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very powerful. However, a quick edit may do you good; I noticed a few spelling/grammar mistakes.
    Good luck!


  • perfectsunset gold member
    September 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Such an emotional & powerful write.
    Excellent thoughts and elaborations

    Thanks for entering & best of luck

1 - 6 of 6