"I got you some Toffeefay, Stan." I handed him the box of chocolates as we exchanged air kisses and medium intensity hugs. Stan's asthma makes him cautious about touching but the previous year's ill health hadn't stopped him from holding his annual New Year's levee. We went through to the living room and Stan asked me what I'd like to drink.
"Do you have cranberry juice?" Stan got me the juice without asking why I wasn't having my usual wine spritzer but somehow I felt I wanted to tell him about my own health condition.
"I'm sorry to hear that," he said. "But you should be okay if you don't forget to take your meds."
"Oh, believe me, after what I've been through... By the way, did you ever meet Al Morris? He used to be the super across the street and he had a suit of armour on his balcony?"
"I remember the armour," he said. "But it hasn't been there for years."
I told him all about Al as we waited for Stan's other guests. This year, I was used to the oxygen masks on their wheeled stands and it was easier just to look at the Robert Bateman collection Stan had so carefully bought and hung on the walls.
"Sorry to be unfashionably early," I said, reaching for a second appetizer from a plate of beef tartare on pumpernickel rounds. Stan had assured me there were more in the refrigerator.
"No, those wretched people just don't know how to be on time," Stan growled in that mock savage way that I found so funny. "So rude!"
Five minutes afterwards, everyone arrived at once. Stan's friend, Bill, who lives just down the hall, was his usual jolly, outgoing self. He is a rotund fellow, fat but not tall, bald with a bushy white moustache, a generous, almost sensuous mouth and bright blue eyes. After the last levee, Stan told me that Bill was attracted to me but had decided I was too young for him.
Stan's on again, off again friend, Pat, who loves to argue, was not coming to the levee. Stan went out to the Russell the day before New Year's Eve and got quite drunk. When he got home, he found a phone message from Pat: "Thanks for taking me out to dinner." Stan had forgotten they were supposed to go out. All during the levee, he was screening his calls. It was hard to tell if he was hoping Pat would call again or afraid.
Bill was in fine form this year, telling stories about his bar-tending days at Boots. He's not gay but he has lived in the gay ghetto for years. After the Boots stories, he told us about a little girl he had a crush on back when he was in grade school. They used to pass notes back and forth in class and, one Friday afternoon, she sent a note that said: "Are you going to go home and light the candles?" He wrote back. "No, we have electricity" and that was the end of the relationship. That story made him remember seeing signs posted in parks: "Gentiles only." Bill thought they meant "gentle people."
The second guest to arrive was a quiet, cheerful little man from down the hall. He used to play the piano in a band and, when Doreen from upstairs finally showed up, she had some sarcastic things to say about him. She says he will never play to share his music, only for money. Doreen is also a pianist but doesn't play for money any more. She just plays for anyone who asks her and sometimes even when they don't. She used to sing and play at the Royal York but now she works as a receptionist and drinks a lot. She once went to work drunk, after drinking wine all night, but "they're all so smart and busy no one noticed," she said.
Stan reminded Bill how impressed he had been with me at the last levee. "Yes, you were like a little light at the end of the tunnel," said Bill, looking at me fondly. As he carried on laughing and genially telling stories, I realized that he was quite a nice man. Then he and the man from down the hall got up to leave. As Bill bent over to give Doreen a good bye hug, I watched the halves of his chest squeeze together like breasts under his loose blue and white top. No thanks, I thought.
Doreen had forgotten Stan was having a party and was still in bed with her boyfriend when Bill and the little man from down the hall went up to her apartment to see what was keeping her. She arrived at Stan's without the young man and said, several times in the next hour that she didn't think he liked her because he got up and went to see his brother. They met through the brother who also lives in the building so I don't think Doreen has much cause to complain. Love can be so unreasonable sometimes.
Doreen remembered me from last year's levee and, within an hour of becoming reacquainted, she confided that, when she turned 50, she seemed to recover her desire for men. After several glasses of Stan's white wine, she looked at me over the platters of lox and steak tartare and said: "We must exchange numbers. I need a friend, kiddo." I hesitated for just a few seconds and said "Sure."
Bill and the little man from down the hall departed and Bill Speck, Doreen's boyfriend, arrived. Stan was starting to get asthmatic but he brought out some bread and a plate of nice chicken baloney. Bill Speck drank wine, Doreen drank more wine and I drank cranberry juice while Stan tried hard not to have an attack. Doreen hovered anxiously, asking him if he was all right and offering to help in the kitchen until Stan told her sharply to leave him alone. He put one of the oxygen masks over his nose and mouth and retired to the sofa.
I ran into Doreen on my way to the washroom and she said "Bill likes you. If you like him, that's okay. He doesn't really like me anyway." Back at the table, she suggested exchanging numbers again and I brought out my day book. I took down Doreen's number and Bill number, just to be polite, though I had no intention of ever calling him. He did seem to take a fancy to me. As I went into the kitchen to look for cranberry juice, he surveyed my back and said "You have a nice bum." For some reason, I wasn't offended and just replied that it was too big. Back at the table, he said "Tell Doreen what I said to you" and I pretended I didn't remember.
The three of us decided to go to Doreen's place and Stan got up and gave me some St. John's Wort tea. "This will be good for you," he said.
Doreen's place hadn't changed since the year before but the walls were off white, not red as I had remembered them. They should be red. It's like the inside of a cosy, fussy Victorian womb in there, crowded with bisque shepherdesses, silver candelabra and silk flowers. Every inch of the wall is covered with ornately framed pictures. The bookcase is full of new-looking books and next to it sits a small organ. Doreen lit some candles, made me a chamomile tea and sat down at the piano to play after pouring flutes of champagne for herself and Bill. "Doreen doesn't like light," Bill explained as I sat down in an armchair and he sat on the stained brocade of a Victorian sofa. Both windows were thickly curtained with heavy flowered drapes.
Doreen played classical piano beautifully and with great skill though I didn't pay too much attention as Bill and I talked quietly. Bill turned out to be more interesting than I thought. He seems sincere and kind, a non-materialistic kind of person. He lives simply, in one room, and gives a lot of his money to his mother and sisters. He once spent a couple of years on the street and it sounds like he did it from choice. He says people are much more willing to buy a homeless, hungry person a drink in a bar than to give the person money for food.
While Bill was in the hall smoking, Doreen said again: "He likes you. If you like him, that's okay. He doesn't really like me anyway."
"He likes you, Doreen." Bill had been quite affectionate towards her.
"Yes, he likes me," Doreen said. "But not like that."
Author notes
I hope this is personal enough and not too lengthy.
Username: judyjudyjudy
A contest entry
- Short Story of the Week - SOW by Arkbear.
500 points, ended August 19, 2008, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - personal poetry. ❤ by aanika.
1147 points, ended September 13, 2008, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prose by whiterabbit..
480 points, ended April 20, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
So, what's your opinion of this?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Great story, very telling of the human condition.
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okay,
I know I said prose was acceptable
but this was more of a short story.
sorry, but not right for my contest
I read it though,
and it was great,
so congrats on the silver!
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screen name in authors notes.
how many people don't read rules???
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Judy! Excellent!
Congrats on your silver! I enjoyed your story very much! This is actually the first story write contest i have ever looked at, i am impressed we have great talent at AP!
hugs
~Lisa~
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Hi Judy,
I'm so glad you were able to get this finished! Oh ~ and welcome to the SOW! 
Writer's often tend to have areas of great strengths, mixed with those that are weaker. Right off the bat, I can tell you have a wonderful talent for sketching characters. Short-short stories usually have just a couple main characters and few, if any, minor ones. That you were able to bring so many characters to life in so few lines is really impressive to me!
Bear did a good job of telling you some of the format areas we are looking for and concentrating on right now, and that is the only thing other than grammatical issues that I'd like to see you work on. From your AN I think you realize this already...the plot is very light, yet I can easily see you develop one if this is a work you want to continue on with. The intro and body are well done, the conclusion a bit weak because there isn't much of one. I think...if you could find even a single line with a lot of punch, or power...that could easily be improved...just MO of course.
I do have to disagree with Bear on the arrangement of dialogue...I have always seen it just as you've done, with a new paragraph for each time there is a change in speakers. (With the exception of P12, where it's about a past conversation and very short.) You've done a fantastic job with the dialogue in general, including most of the correct punctuations...and it sounds very natural. This gives good credibility to your characters.
I don't want to nit pick over all the grammar, but want to make just a few suggestions...
" Stan's asthma makes him cautious about touching (comma) but the previous year's ...." Ditto for P2, a comma before "but".
"It was hard to tell if he was hoping Pat would call again (comma) or afraid."
"They used to pass notes back and forth in class (period) One Friday afternoon, she sent a note that said (comma instead of the colon) Also in same Para..."He wrote back." (comma instead of period)
"No thanks, I thought." If this is a direct thought...also known as "internal dialogue"... quotations are needed or (if preferable) put it in italics. So...one example of how it can be done: "No thanks," I thought.
"She arrived at Stan's without the young man and said, several times in the next hour (comma) that she didn't think..." In the same paragraph: "They met through the brother (comma) who also lives in the building (comma) so I don't think Doreen has much cause to complain."
'... steak tartare and said: (comma instead of colon) "We must exchange numbers. I need a friend, kiddo." (Begin new paragraph here, as speaker changes) I hesitated for just a few seconds and said (comma) "Sure." ' There are a few more spots in the last half of the story where you'd want to do the same thing, using a comma before a speaking part. But most importantly, be consistent...
"I took down Doreen's number and Bill number, just to be polite,..." Or..."I took down both Doreen and Bill's numbers..."
"newlooking books" I believe should be "new-looking books" or simply "new looking books".
Okay, I think that’s more than enough to give you an idea of the grammar and/or punctuation areas that need a wee bit of polishing up.
I love your ability to jump right into a story with a good balance of show verses tell. Your POV is spot-on and doesn’t wander. All in all, you’ve done a really good job in general. This kept my attention very well, and that’s another measure of your talents, especially considering this is so much more about the characters than an actual “plot”. I hope you’ll consider continuing on with your story after the contest is over. From the AN I see some of this came from old notebooks, and I know how those are a great source of inspiration for short stories, both fiction and non-fiction...as well as a mixture of the two...which was always my favorite way to tell stories from out of my old journals.
Thank you so much for your entry, and I hope we’ll be seeing more of you in the SO contests! My scores and other areas I looked at will be in the final notes of the contest.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
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Hi Judy :)
I am focusing quite a bit on Format for the next few months......and your other Judge, trista, is going to be watching me, as I suggest and advise......as I shall be watching as she suggests and advises in the Grammatical department......so please bear with us as we are only trying to help other Writers improve their work and make it the best it can be :)
*homeless* is spelled incorrectly at bottom :)
Ok.........
1. Intro....bring out your Characters -
2. Setting....give us a place and time -
3. Body....begin your Theme, Storyline -
4. Summary....begin at least 2 para*'s back from end -
5. Conclusion....conclude with Power, Impact & most importantly...Lasting Impression -
In your Intro....you did an excellent job bringing out your characters and diving into your setting....very nice ~
Now....as you continue on.....you will find several breaks....not really para's, yet a subtle way of allowing your Readers to know there is another voice begininning to take the spotlight ~
...however, you need not seperate those lines......as this would be fine......because the same *TOPIC* is still taking place........>>>>
"Do you have cranberry juice?" Stan got me the juice without asking why I wasn't having my usual wine spritzer but somehow I felt I wanted to tell him about my own health condition. "I'm sorry to hear that," he said. "But you should be okay if you don't forget to take your meds." "Oh, believe me, after what I've been through... By the way, did you ever meet Al Morris? He used to be the super across the street and he had a suit of armour on his balcony?" "I remember the armour," he said. "But it hasn't been there for years."Just remember to keep 1st, 2nd & 3rd voice enclosed with proper punc.'s :)
* Every ince of the wall in.......*.....did you mean *inch*?
*Doreen played classical piano beautifully....COMMA... and with great skill....COMMA..... though I didn't pay too much attention as Bill and I talked quietly.
* hungry person a drink in a bar...COMMA.....RATHER than ( take out ( to )...give the person ......
* I took down Doreen's number and Bill number, just to be polite,........OR..........As a polite gesture, I wrote down Doreens' and Bills' number ~*
Ok.....as you can see, there are many areas which I believe....IMHO....need some serrious grammatical tending ~
I am also aware this is your style, and I am not here to try and change that.....I am only suggesting areas which will help Flow and Tone.....and it will allow your readers to stay in direct dialect with your subjects :)
Your Body is great......your Summary is almost unnoticeable......this is where you need to remind your readers of a small amount of everything you spoke of ~
Your Conclusion......well.....there really is none......so remember....this is where you show off your work......conclude with the most powerful thought about what your Theme is/was.....remind the Reader why tihs is the best write ever :)
Let my board say the rest.....thank you so much for coming out this week and writing something for us :)
Good luck & God bless,
Bear ~
Title...I would click on this Title -
Intro...10....a perfect intro -
Body....9.85...lots of room to *Show & Tell* with a great balance -
Rules....9.25...format is weak....filler words are almost over-used....IMHO -Theme...9.95...your ability to choose a good, creative Theme, only helps and benefits your score -
Grammar...9.15...editing on punc's & grammatical errors -
Summary...9.55....a weak summary...bring out the best of your write inthis area -
Movement....9.8...good movement.....stay focued on which voice is speaking -
Conclusion....8.5..conclusion is the weakest part of this write....IMO -
Creativeness..9.85....dig deeper and I'll give you a *10* -
Punc/Grammar...9.2..punc's need attention -
Bears score: 95.1Great score!
:)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Thank you for your comments, Arkbear. I look forward to submitting again in the not too distant future.
jjj
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Hello Judy
You will need to finish this short story before closing tonight.....
...good luck!
Bear ~
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It's done. Thanks for giving me a deadline.
jjj
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