Me,
there is none;
a ghost of immortality
wearing a husk
of colours,
aptitudes within one
long continuous
absolute loving breath,
the same which runs
throughout everything
no less than
through you
my true friend.
So tried and tested,
the difficulty
is only a phantom
of narrow moments between
some beginnings and results.
In a list
A contest entry
- the simple truth.. by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
300 points, ended August 30, 2008, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Welcome any sincere response and critique
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
-
i like the blank canvas then the reference to colours. ah the self, it is open and floating along, discarding times, collecting others as ghosts of perception trail love. a good poem.
-
Congratulations on the silver.
X
-
-
Thank you
X 
-
-
Humm..catching the wind by the fingers and touching the sky by the hands are the efforts like touching the desires and its results..well done..
-
-
I love the way you have worded your comment... I believe it has the makings of a poem.
Thank you
-
-
I think you should leave adsolute loving breath.To me this speak of a friendship that defies space and time.For within nothing there has to be something and love is a good start , Ros
-
-
It stays... thank you Ros
-
-
"no less than
through you
my true friend."
- The only awkward part in the poem, to me at least, as I don't think it is completely needed in the poem. I thought the love aspect was perfectly fine and I liked what you did with the last stanza. When we are looking for moments, big or small, we are usually trying to claim an advantage over time, or that's how it feels to me. I found the opening line quite good as I think it announces the poem without making it desperate, which is always possible to do with a poem of this nature...But you don't do that, so that's very nice to see. I found the expression quite humble.
;
-
-
I've been a little slow responding here... but believe me I always much appreciate your eyes and words diamond, and this one no less so. Fact is I'm still undecided about this one, it originally finished on 'everything', without the bottom two stanzas at all.
My feeling is that it will change either a lot or very little... Mmmm leaving it to 'mull' at present.
Much thanks!
-
-
No problem. I don't have a digital clock timing you or anything...LOL. Well, you do your thing and throw me an IM some day if you ever feel like you have nailed it. I'm curious to see where this takes you after your mind decides on what and what not to achieve. You're very welcome. I love your stuff so much because you will mull over it, which proves that you are a true writer who wants to improve.
;
-
-
-
XXX
-
we, me, you,
all of us always
that ever blank canvas
painted and erased
eternally evolving
into another new
-
-
Yes... thank you
Just out of interest, do you think it would be preferable to keep the 'absolute loving' part out of it?
Originally I wrote with just 'long continuous breath' and felt that it was too 'stayed'... could have used 'compassionate' or 'blasting light/truth'... I'm now thinking...
'indefinable loving breath'... what do you think, may I ask?
Some of these words, I don't know, I begin to think maybe I don't leave enough space in between the lines... and anyway, I ought to be 'inking' rather than trying to be 'poet-ing' so no worries if no particular opinion about it.
-
-
I think there will always be words that suggest certain things to others ..as you mentioned in one of your comments here like "God" another of course I would think of would be "truth" and "love"
I can't say whether you should or shouldn't really as it all depends on how strongly that resonates what you mean.. for me I can translate the word "love" into many alternatives.. benevolence, warmth, adoration, caring, sympathetic, affectionate and so on but all of those still come back to loving. And though I might be off on this I suspect the key here in this write is that absolute loving... which says to me, the reader, I accept all of who I am, good bad or otherwise, and in doing so realize every piece of it is transitory, changeable..
It's not an ego-less condition that I see, as I doubt any of us are without an ego, more I'd say -- though -- I find it incredibly awkward to express it in words it's an awareness of mutable self, a reduction not of self but of static thought..
so absolute loving makes complete sense to me in this context but I can't begin to know if it will for others..
I think I'll stop here before I confuse the issue entirely
-
-
Thank you
... I don't think it confuses at all... 'sense to you'... that's more than good enough for me at this point
-
-
-
-
You know.. when you write love you remind me of when I really believed in it..
and the memory really isn't so painful, you know?
-
-
I'm glad.
I do know that the 'Love' word can be as bad as the 'God' word. I tried to keep away from it at first but couldn't help myself 'absolute loving...' just had to be there for me.
You know, 'believed in it'... whatever 'it' is, I believe you ARE it.
-
-
-
-
An absolutely adorable work of art is this 'you that is none'...Marvelous spirit-filled write my friend. I love the feel of breathing in this one...Real Life, lived in every breath! Excellent! Inspired! Love it, love it, love it!..Simple truth...Hope this wins. Peace and best wishes, Rhonda
-
-
Thank you
... muchly!
-
-
I think my favorite stanza is your last one here, "So tried and tested, the difficulty is only a phantom of narrow moments between some beginnings and results." Really like that idea, as it takes me out to thinking of the answer being delivered, it's just waiting. Very cool!
-
-
Thank you faith
I think it is like that... everything in creation being on a journey to its own completion, which ever was and always will be.
-
-
I don't think you do yourself justice, you are not a blank square of nothing, with no moments or phantoms to play with... you are wholly there, with colours of day and night and all inbetween...
i know we all doubt ourselves and what we can accomplish.. but difficulties arise when the moments are stretched out by a falseness that we think we should build, like a barrier to hope and dreams
never stop colouring in our world Sol, you brighten my day for sure... now, give me some colour and joy
xxxxx Gilly. xxxxxxx
-
-
You are a dear, dear friend.
Not to be concerned, the black square could have been a white one, just something to to with the indescribable unqualified. A disappearing act if you like, in the face of, yes, the indescribable.
An attempt to cut to the bare essence underneath all the lists of considerations.
... and thank you
-
-
good good..
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 25 of 25
