obsessive.

i want to be so drunk that--

that what? that i can't remember my own name and therefore i can't remember the way your eyes once burned for me?
once.
i think that word is the emptiest word in existence
and probably the most lonely.

do you miss me at all?
i want you to miss me. i know you feel things slowly and that's what i'm banking on.
i'm hoping that a week or even a month or something from now
something will remind you of me
and you will just all of a sudden break down and need me back and you will realize that this whole time
you've been mine.
you just needed to have it proved to you.

but what if that doesn't happen?
then what will you do?
and what will i do because of what you do?

doesn't happen? how can it not?
i think i was born to tell you i love you. you and i are such a perfect balance.
you're patient. i'm impatient.
you're numb. i feel emotions on a grand scale double than a normal person's, and then some.
you're loyal. i'm flighty for anything except when it comes to you.
you're always so sure. i'm so doubtful.
and then we're both restless.

there are some things i don't understand though.

you said you're a fighter. well, isn't this kind of laying back and taking it?

i'm a fighter too, but i felt so much weaker than you.
now though i'm not so sure.
a fighter is someone who refuses to give up
or ever give in,
who gets knocked down and stands right back up, with a smile,
who stays in the ring until the bitter end.
well that's what i'm doing,
but what about you? you said you've been worn down.
you're jaded.
what a contradiction.
i think a true fighter is the one person that'd be left standing tall when everyone else bend their backs with exhaustion.
i've been through the same merry-go-round of being torn down
and of being left behind
so many times it's not funny, but i still have faith.
i have faith in you, even though if experience has taught me anything it's that you'll grow apart from me.
would you even miss me?
or when the time comes could i somehow construct a bridge to reach you,
or vice versa?

once you told me you sucked at leaving people because you've been left so many times.

so how could you leave me?
am i really that awful?
i admit, i didn't treat you as well as i should have,
and i didn't give you enough trust
and i tried to take more than you were willing to give me--
but that's my nature.
to always want more.
i have a "just one more" mindset that has led me through everything.
drugs. anorexia. bulemia. alcoholism.
it's the same mindset that usually causes me to cheat
when i can't find enough attention somewhere
i look for what i'm lacking somewhere else.
this is just me and i accepted everything about you.

how do you really feel about me?

i'm trying to get a clear stance on your feelings.
so, i'm not going to talk to you for a few days. five sounds good.
and if you don't try to initiate any conversation, well doesn't that mean i'm lower down on your
list of priorities
than i am on yours? once upon a time you halfway said you loved me.
well this isn't really an expression of love now is it.
or could you create some bullshit reason to
explain it.