a serpent shadow
slithers north and south from view
and just above clouds
paint impressions of a sun
set far away on the waves
In a list
Thoughts, Feelings, Interpretations, Experience:
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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clear and inspiring piece. I might get my pen later tonight and be inspired by the living silence of nature.
By the way, both my friends here in the Philippines 'Mornings' and 'ariazephyrzoe' are correct that the opening lines triggered the effect of enhancing the imagery of this piece.
Ang galing-galing!
Thanks for sharing your gift Sir Erin,
HENSLEY
P.S.
'Ang galing-galing' is a Filipino phrase meaning you're very good.
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Glad you feel inspired by this! If you end up writing something point me to it so I can follow the ripples.
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ooooooooooooo, I like this. Excellent work my friend!
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Thankee.
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I am learning the form so this is a useful lesson in creativity in the form, movement and suggestion put so much imagery between these lines... suggest the points of view of the viewer and for some inner reason,i imagine wall glyphs on sandstone in the sun..very nicely done...PK
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Ah I like that, "movement and suggestion put so much imagery between the lines." Definitely hold onto that phrase and internalize it, since this concept will really help guide the development of your writing.
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This really is beautiful. I could really imagine the scene due to the great imagery. I love this form and you do it really well. Nice work x
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It's certainly a form worth exploring. I'll give it that. Glad you enjoyed.
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amazing
im new to poetry, but i htink that was a great poem. imagery was riveting! -
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I'd say there's a lot to learn from haiku and tanka. So you're off to a good start having a look at them.
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yes I could just agree with Ms mornings...
the idea you made with the "serpent shadows" created the motion...capturing the entire scene
and after reading this...my eyes are fixed in gaze with these words...loving the imagery
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It was originally something else entirely, but when I posted the poem she (mornings) sent me an email pointing out the the phrase that used to go right where "serpent shadows" is and said, "You can do better than this." So I reviewed the poem and ended up revising it to its current state.
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oh my goodness
the imagery in this piece is amazing.
excellent poem
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Nice use of alliteration in this. The imagery was painted so well I could actually "see" your words. This is lovely and the form is great
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Thank you thank you. Glad you could enjoy this.
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really nice. I liked it.
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How I enjoy short writes especaly when they are as well written as you have done.A big three for you,
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Thank you sir!
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Beautiful piece. I was checking out the features poems and came across this. Nice write!!
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Glad you enjoyed.
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short and lovely and perfect. really enjoyed the impact of the last line especially. : )
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Thank you. I've always tried to make the last line of my haikus and tankas catchy in some way, reflective. The poem is so small that it seems imperative the final line/image strike the reader in some reflective/meditative manner.
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Beautiful, beautiful motion picture of sunset through nightfall, captured in five lines and very few words.
I loved the element of shadow here. Actually, I've always loved it. I think shadow is its own being, it has its own presence that is enigmatic, moving and thought-provoking. I did not expect the "serpent" element and boy was I thrilled to see it. "Serpent shadow" makes a clever metaphor to dramatize the crawling shade at dusk.
Simply lovely, Erin.
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Thanks for telling me I could do better with this poem. And for pointing out precisely where the problem was. I'm much much much happier with this little poem now over the original.
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