the old man
sucks oxygen from a tank
flashing lights
Darlene Sperber
8/14/08
# 4
In a list
A contest entry
- FOR MEMBERS of HUGH WYLES FAVOURITES GROUP ONLY by hugh wyles.
1750 points, ended September 4, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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This is a very good haiku, Darlene... leaves the reader to contemplate the scene while drawing their own conclusion as to it's meaning. You're sure getting good at this haiku thing
Best of luck in the contest
love and
Dee
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I guess the old man had nothing left in his life so he played the slots. What a way to live.
Another great haiku Darlene.
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You left me in an emergency situation here...heart pounding as I gasped for air. There's an expediency (sp)to this work. The fast pace, and brevity make it a splendid metaphorical writ.
I wish you well in the challenge.
Much Love ♥
Renee
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Thank you again Renee...I appreciate your comments.
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And you don't have to be
so very old either. I saw one obviously wishing he could have more... Sad.
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thanks Terry-too
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I too thought of ambulance when I first read it, I think it's equally sad to see them in the casino with their oxygen tank beside them, but I guess they have to have some way to spend their days. That's the sad part.
Another great haiku.
Hine
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Thanks Hine
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I immediately thought of an ambulance, too! Seems we're too quick to associate 'old' with anything but 'fun'! Another fine haiku, Darlene!
<3 Maureen
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Thanks again Maureen
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It's very sad at any age to be rushed to hospital not knowing if you'll survive, very scary.
Another wonderful haiku Darlene. Good luck in contest.
Love Joan
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I love the haiku that leaves the ending to be interrupted differently be the reader...when I wrote this it was after visiting the casino...lots of very old people playing the slots and you know how the lights flash when there is a winner...that is the image I had when writing this...Old man carrying around his oxygen tank so he could continue playing the slots until his dying breath...
Thanks for reading and commenting on this haiku...It has become my very favorite form of poetry and I ama hoping to eventually be able to say I 'know how' to write it well...
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Have seen similar images at our club, lots of old people playing the slots, sometimes putting all their pension through them, losing it all, no money to live on for 2 weeks. It's enough to cause stressful scenes and I know what you mean by the flashing lights, they have plenty of them to lure people in.
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Brings back bad memories, of the story of my brother being taken to the ambulance...his lungs were failing him...just over 3 years ago.
But that isn't your fault.
But it does show the accuracy of your haiku.
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I am sorry to have brought back unpleasant memories. It is interesting though that the image of the haiku I wrote had nothing to do with hospitals...but of casinos and old farts and fartess' gambling away their Social Security checks...all the time dragging their tanks behind them...but as my teacher of haiku has said many times...the really good haiku leaves an open end so the reader can bring into it what he choses...
I think oxygen tanks and gambling...one their lives and one their checks gives a good jux...don't you? May have to write another haiku...
Thanks for reading it...
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excellent
Hi Darlene - this is a good haiku with strong images and a sense of foreboding. Technically it is perfect with one break in the syntax and the direct, plain language.
The image in the final line makes the haiku open-ended (as most good ones are) and that evokes varied responses from me, as well as painting a graphic picture.
Best of luck in the contest,
Myron.
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Thank you again Myron...
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Dear Darlene,
Though I'm on gin and tonic, I haven't had to have oxygen yet but I can relate to this from Edna's recent spells in the Cardiac unit at hospital. All those flashing lights are scary!
I really like this haiku (symmetrical 3/7/3) best of your entries so far. Keep writing.
Good luck in the contest. Applause, Love and hugs, XXX Hugh (R.)
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Thank you Hugh for reading this and commenting...I have gotten so many different comments on this and it is one of my favorites also......
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