There once was
a gorgeous, fluffy,
pink cloud
who lived in the sky.
She always stayed up
until long after
the other clouds
had disappeared with the sun.
However, this befouled
her in the end,
for the next morning,
she got conjunctivitis.
Cold, white, powdery goo
kept seeping out of her
eyes like a
swiftly flowing river.
The poor cloud's eyes!
They turned all puffy,
and she realized her
entire anatomy was
presently gray.
But whatever horrible feelings
she felt
was nothing
compared to the city dwellers
in the land below,
for her sleepy, drippy
eyes were causing
a malevolent storm
down there.
The motto for this strange tale is
don't stay up too late.
Author notes
This is more of a children's story than a poem. The metaphor (just in case i wasnt clear) was that the cloud's conjunctivitis= snowstorm down below. Tell me if I need to elaborate (plz do if u think i need 2)
-pb fudge
A contest entry
- SNOW by trekkergirl.
600 points, ended August 28, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Do you get my metaphor/ does this make sense?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Good
Am glad you liked my poem to. -
Cools, I love this one 'cuz I like looking at clouds and seeing the strange shapes they sometimes make. I once saw one that looked like Snoopy, in a Bumper Car.
Also, this reminds me of a poem I wrote called: "Whimsical Cloudy Critters". Here's the link:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/3452660
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verrry creative
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This is very good! An unusual vewpoint, that of a cloud, very imaginative. And linking the cloud to a child who stays up late, turning the story into a warning, is clever. Good luck in the contest.
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hahaha This is a very funny write! That poor cloud indeed!
"However, this befouled
her in the end,
for the next morning,
she got conjunctivitis.
Cold, white, powdery goo
kept seeping out of her
eyes like a
swiftly flowing river."
This was a hilarious stanza. ^_^ I like how the cloud got conjunctivitis
Pink eye sucks. D: Best of luck in the contest 
-Lily♥
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Alright, unfortunately I can not lie, this is not your best work, but it is not bad at all. I love the idea, but I want you to try something for me. Next time you write something like this, try and use simple words. This is like a child's tale, and I believe it would cause more of an impact if you wrote it as if with a child's hand and mind. I find this in most of your poems, so try it next time, see how it turns out.
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Okay until the notes I was about to dq this cuz I wanted something about snow storms. However, when I read that I realized then that was what you were doing... giving the clouds view of a snow storm. Very creative. Good job!
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thank you. do u think i should go back and elaborate?
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