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Heartache- [ Sedoka ]

as her brackish tears,
            trickle from sorrowful eyes
                     
                          together,  we cry

to a heart broken,
        a river flows from somber eyes
                           
                          with arms,  [I hold her]


Author notes

Sedoka
The Sedoka is an unrhymed poem made up of two three-line katauta with the following
syllable counts: 5/7/7, 5/7/7. A Sedoka, pair of katauta as a single poem, may address the
same subject from differing perspectives.

Katauta is an unrhymed three-line poem the following syllable counts: 5/7/7

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9
  • imahealer
    August 15, 2008

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    Now this is my kind of Japanese poetry. IT is so like your saying. This form I can learn and understand! You are a wonderful teacher. I liked the "dirty pretty" way you formed this one. I have often said that you write from your heart, and I know that this is the real you, compassionate and caring. Best wishes sweetie peetie pie!

    the sea is my soul


  • Pisces rainbow gold member
    August 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    so romantic,
    you have such a romantic soul
    very beautiful write
    God bless my friend...


  • yukitosumi
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for the little poetry lesson lol. I am not familiar with the sedoka form so it was nice to not have to go hunting. I'll have to try this form some time. I don't know who you are so I have no way of telling this, but this poem makes me feel like this is far from your first poem of this style. My favorite thing about the poem is the fact that it feels like a contemporary poem, and not a bad translation of a 17th century Japanese haiku.
    I'm not a huge fan of the repetition of eyes, however. My only nitpick for this piece.
    Best wishes, keep me updated on your poem
    E


    • Malabu
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      i guess entering something i thought would capture your attention in japanese poetry...was something most people dont know or uderstand....in this case...eyes is repeated because the subject is the same...crying...the stanza's are written from differnt perspectives...

      • yukitosumi
        August 15, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Ah, I understand. Like I said, I am not familiar with the form.
        Best wishes
        El


  • EvilKate
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully moving.

  • Rowan gold member
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    makes me feel weeepy, so it's damn effective. I like this alot.

1 - 9 of 9