maybe you should do something else
careless words tossed
like half-smoked
cigarettes
cause fire
don't call us we'll call you
desperation burns
chars flesh
living on water and biscuits
sneaking in and out of home
when nobody's looking
smoke from foolish dreams
singes lungs
chokes
his body burns with fever
shakes and shivers
eyes don't see a thing
as fingers rake the ash
for charred pieces
of pride
alone in his room at night
he cries like a little girl
A contest entry
- Deep Thought PIF by Errant Panther.
610 points, ended August 17, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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You are really good with words. I do believe I shall delve more into your poetry later. Unfortunately it is 3:30 in the morning and that is not apt for delving into another's works. However, I am fully aware of your analogies and your metaphors. Provokes great imagery. Lovely. I do enjoy reading your work.
Yink
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I loved the imagery in this
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oh wow O__O this was absolutely amazing ! it was so emotional and powerful ! i thought these lines were absolutely brilliant:
smoke from foolish dreams
singes lungs
chokes
his body burns with fever
shakes and shivers
eyes don't see a thing
as fingers rake the ash
for charred pieces
of pride
excellent job ! i adore it :]
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"desperation burns" just really strikes me and evokes a melange of abuses.
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awww...this is really sad...its horrible when you have a dream and its smashed right on out of your hands...great write with beautiful imagery and strong emotion. You have linked the concept of cigarettes and ash well to that emotion of feeling charred and burnt. Great write.
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i like that simile in the opening stanza
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This thing burns into the skin with inwards-turning turmoil.
This simplicity of the final lines fits well to calm it to a more poignant air.
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I definately felt the pain he hides at the ending two lines...well done
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I like this, and the feeling of maintaining a facade when pride has been attacked - until alone, when he breaks down. Poignant.
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This definitely is different, and I thoroughly enjoyed every last bite!
Something about that last stanza just tugged at my heart; Men are taught not to show emotion and, to me, seeing a guy cry is the most devastating thing ever... There's nothing else in the world that can make me feel sick with emotion in quite the same way.
Bravo, my dear, and good luck in the contest!
Laura x
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Very interesting bit of desperation here. Strange how desperation can give birth to the best and most noble acts.
Wonderful imagery here. Very well done.
Garrison
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Interesting piece that looks at the conflited self evaluation and loss of self esteem that faces those in the quest for stardom and find themselves languishing on the fringes of obscurity.
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still editing
trying to bring it down to 20 lines
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