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serene

ebony well pinned
flowing robes encompass all
musical notes sound
Oriental mood prevails
a face of sheer contentment 

Author notes

prompt #3
tanka
picture prompt: (click to view)
http://www.theartofjapan.com/Art_Images/Small/0704925.JPG
by Yoshitoshi
Title: Looking as if she is enjoying herself, a teacher of the Keisei era
from 32 Aspects of Women

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • nature
    August 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Fail to understand

    How you put thoughts so precisely in few works to expand in the readers mind is just lovely.
    Congrats


  • yukitosumi
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you so much for putting the link to your inspiration picture in the author's notes!
    I very much like this tanka. My favorite line was the first because it's simple and doesn't directly say "her hair is pinned". If I had to make a complaint, it would be the fourth line. While looking at it it seems fine to me at first, I find reading it aloud awkward. It becomes choppy on the tongue when you're going between the sounds "al" "mm" "d" and "pr". On the other hand, it sort of reminds me of the plucking of strings. Maybe you could tell me what your intentions were? I would love any information on your writing process, and the other entrants for that matter!
    I love the way the second line rolls off of the tongue, like waves of silk. Lovely.

    Sometimes in this contest I recommend an edit but I won't do that here. I think that this is a very good tanka.

    • carole21
      August 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thanks

      I do like the tanka form . . I wanted the reader to feel they were in the room with the lovely Oriental musician . . picture provided (click to view)