the down-turned shoulders
give you away against
the flickering shadows on
the old brick beside you
cast from a dying bulb
your white shirt separates
you from the night we walk in
but i remain unseen
bathed in black against houses
owned by neighbors you
don’t know
i slip in closer
the switchblade hot
against my leg; you don’t
detect my presence
until my arm wraps
lustfully around your
throat, blade pressed to
your panicked cheek
you’re so lovely in this
position, falling back
against me as we fade
into the bushes you
planted last spring
hidden from god’s wiry smile
and you resist my grip
struggle to gain
release from my choking arm
until i raise the knife
to eye-level and
whisper in a growl
“don’t worry dearest
we’ll be done soon…”
Author notes
The picture, titled "where will you go", can be found here: http://virtud.deviantart.com/art/where-will-you-go-90972314
Won silver in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2416958
In a list
Comments
1 - 60 of 60
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wow you really impressed me with this piece.... very visual
thanks for the entry -
yes
some of the line breaks were awkward, but it did give this that ragged, choppy, creepy feeling i liked. -
Yes.
Dark, biting, fuck yessssss. -
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"Dark, biting, fuck yessssss. "
you made me grin, dear.
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Haha, well I am glad that I am useful for something lately.
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Yes. I like it greatly.
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Great poem
even though i don't really know what it's about i really like it
Ali -
A nice poem that you have written here.
-Nam
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Oh that end got me. This is really good. You know something though, I never expected anything less than a murder poem from you haha. I love the way you worded this. It wasn't like most people would have written it, "I love you so imma kill you." You let us figure that out for ourselves. Amazingly put.
Megan -
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Wasn't a murder poem...
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O.o Oh I get it now. Wow I'm slow.
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Mmm I like this one! Gives me the chills.
You know, when I got to the end of it the first time I was also under the impression that it was her husband. Kind of like you were leading us down a path and we assumed it was a stalker but really it was her husband lol. And then I read it again and I thought, "but what's he doing with a switchblade??? Noooo he can't be her husband...unless they're gardening..." lol Anyway really brilliant either way. I really couldnt stop reading it. Read it like a gazzillion times. Well done!
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Nice
Hightend suspense loss of breath eager to know what happens next. -
Scary, but powerful.
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Deliciously creepy. My only suggestion would be more 'why' and less 'what'. Suggestion is sometimes more effective than description.
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Eerie, suspensdul... This, for me, has the feel of a stalker, a rapist who has spent a lot of time getting to know the movements and habits of this woman who he now holds in his grasp.
'neighbors you don't know' leads this reader to think that she's no stanger to him, and perhaps he's no stranger to her either.
A perfect cliff-hanger and even if I'm all wrong in my interpretation of this chilling piece, you've done a great job with it.
Dee
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i've another interpretation of this..
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I'm curious, then--what is it?
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well, at first i thought it was some stalker-guy who had been watching her and waiting to kill her.
now, i think maybe it's her husband... or i guess it could be boyfriend. the description of how well this man know her, makes me think that way. or maybe he's an ex-husband... that would explain the lustful malice tone. i'm not sure if he intends to kill her; but it seems he's going to rape her. but, i'm probably all wrong. i wish you'd just tell me your thoughts on it
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Yeah, but telling you would make it too easy. I like for my readers to think about whatever it is they're reading.
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i've thought enough! you're so mean to me.
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Refreshingly direct.
Love the images in the first and second stanzas- Dying bulbs.. and for some reason, it's good to see something with shoulders- don't ask why.
"the neighbours you don't know" contributes a lot to the mood.. and the fourth is brilliant..
you’re so lovely in this
position, falling back
against me as we fade
into the bushes you
planted last spring
hidden from god’s wiry smile
-Damn stunning ..and sensual in a strange way. It's intimate.
Then some of it feels a little too much like a comentary on movements- but I dunno, that could work quite well for tension.
"until I raise the knife
to eye level
and whisper in a growl"
..seems a bit overdone. I like the content, but it could be re-worded to fit in smoother. The last two lines might use some fiddling too.
But I'm new to writing, so I don't make a lot of sense.. most of my critique attempts are best deemed insane.
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umm, it's soooo far from murder in my mind...
I LOVE IT.
*shudder*
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This is great. I love the killer you have created. Great job here.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
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It's weird, everyone thinks he's a killer.
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he's not?
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Well, think about it.
I won't say one way or another.
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come on. just tell me. !!!my brain can't take anymore extraneous analysis right now, i'm having enough trouble with celtic irish myths lol.
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You need to write more. You're only 22 years old for fuck's sake. Get to work, you lazy ass. jesus. Do I have to remind you of everything?
The into stanza was good, but the last line of it was too much. It threw the rhytmn off and took away more than it contributed.
Loved the use of a white shirt in the second stanza, but I'm a color freak anyhow. And the 'neighbors you don't know'. I don't know why, but that really works here.
The third stanza? Ah well, I think it needs rewording. It's a transition stanza from one mood to the next and it doesn't blend smoothly as it should. I not big on murder pieces, so perhaps I'm being unneccesarily harsh.
The fourth is well done. Smooth and eclectic. The fifth stanza is ok. But the last two fall flat. I guess because it sounds too story like there and the poetry is lost in plain action.
Oh well, good and bad. (guess my kindness is non existant, right? lol )
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Actually, I find it very kind of you to comment on this, and to do it constructively (which you always do anyway). I crave those sorts of comments, because I don't get them very often.
I'm curious, then, if you have any suggestions on how I can make this better, particularly in those stanzas you pointed out. I want this piece to be the best it can.
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I'm not sure I can be much more help on this one. My problem with it, falls into the realm of not liking the direct references to murder. However, that seemed to be the whole point of this.
Were it mine, I would put those stanzas more into the abstract. The transition poem would have to be more infomative of what's changing and why, without getting too wordy.
As for the end, something suggestive, would be far better than it directly stated.
That kind of thing. It's probably not much help to you. My own work is very weak lately, so I'm not a lot of help to others either. -
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Alright, I'll see what I can do. Thank you.
And for the record, your writing's better than mine.
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blah, blah, blah
I'm sorry. Did you say something? -
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Oh no you don't, you're not gonna get me to say you're mean.
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chillin'
OOOO...I LOOOOVE this...i used to own a switchblade...but other than that...this is vividly writtn (please 'scuse any typos, i am not sober). I love the imagery of the victim fallin' back as the switchblade is pushed closer by the predator!!
<3 and good luck!!
SatuRn -
Why did you remove it out of the contest?
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What contest?
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This clearly spills out your personality. >.>
In a good-ish way.
Thing I like most is how you managed to mix love nd hate so well.
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Excellent
I like this one. You expressed yourself quite well; I enjoy reading various types of thrillers occasionally, and this reminded me of several of them. Again, well done. -
Before I forget...congrats!
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Thanks.
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Do you have something against rating comments?
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I usually don't; I've nothing against it, I just forget or don't feel like it.
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It's a simple click of 1-2-3, like the lottery?
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I don't think people should expect to get a high rating on their comments just because they left long comments. I give them out arbitrarily.
In any event, you didn't answer the question I replied to your comment with--what were your two initial thoughts? -
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Oh I didn't get a note saying you replied...though when I scroll down, I see your reply.
I think my two thoughts went something like this:
a]this is good
b]what the eff?
'twas good stuff though. -
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"I think my two thoughts went something like this:
a]this is good
b]what the eff?" -- your reply just now
"I'm of two minds what this is about." -- your comment from earlier
Ffffffaaaaaiiiiiillll.
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Was this a test? I don't know!! You is a son of a shit.
I like it.
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Congrats.
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That was very scary!!! I felt the tension build through it. Having been stalked before, I can say this was very chilling to read for me... it is however brilliantly written!
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You know, on third read, I only just now realize how deeply dark and intimate this is..and the horror of what's to happen next...... I think what you didn't say is almost scarier because it leaves the reader to imagine all sorts of nightmares. I'm not going to sleep well tonight.
'Thanks' Jason
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This is a very calculating write, Jason. Which is perfect for this chilling poem. The reader is able to view what the killer sees AND thinks, which makes this even more intense and gripping.
"your white shirt separates
you from the night we walk in">>> This is perfectly worded. He has targeted her, and her white shirt demarcates her from the blackness. "the night we walk in' >> this is so chillingly subtle. This killer as set this night aside, as special, just for the two of them....as someone of this nature would do; get it into their demented head that the night was just for them, for this encounter. I mean this guy had her marked for so long, he's waited patiently for over a year, for the perfect opportunity...
"you’re so lovely in this
position, falling back
against me as we fade
into the bushes you
planted last spring
hidden from god’s wiry smile">> My jaw literally dropped at this stanza. The first two lines of are so fucking brilliant, I'm just antsy reading them. I mean, scary-brilliant. I think this stanza is the one where I could feel the metal taste of fear in my mouth. You truly went deep into his mind.... and I commend you for that. I'm glad since I know you, I know this is not how you think .
It's good. But, I think you know that.
Thank you for entering, Dark Knight & g'luck.
-sailor ptolema
` -
This is so creepy and scary. Like, I was getting nervous reading this. lol.
I think that this really encapsulates the mind of a killer. Every detail is perfectly positioned, and subtle. This man has been after her for a long time, perhaps he knows her from somewhere.... also, I get the feeling he chose her for the specific reason that she isn't well known in her neighborhood: maybe she keeps to herself, and it's easier for her absence to go unnoticed..
This is truly well crafted. Every word, I'm sure, you thought out.
-joan.
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Very well crafted and mature write. An interesting and original use of figurative devices throughout.Must admit I'm not a huge fan of dark writes but you pulled this one off very well. Good luck in your contest. Thanks for sharing.
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Very dark and haunting, yet this piece has such beauty to it as well. Great flow, I appreciate the change of form at the end. It was very effective.
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wow, when it said dark, I was in now way expecting this. This is amazing. I love this, and I am in a dark mood at the moment. This really does work well to my liking. Great job on this one. I think you did really well, and The way the imagery is....amazing.
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The poem was great. It was intriguing. Morbid and intimate at the same time.
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Hmm
I'm of two minds what this is about.
Both of my ideas are probably wrong.
"the down-turned shoulders
give you away against
the flickering shadows on
the old brick beside you
cast from a dying bulb"
This has really awesome flow, methinks. And it almost seems tender with "give you away"...
"a dying bulb"<--strikes me most poetic
"your white shirt separates
you from the night we walk in
but i remain unseen"
I freaking love that...some nice juxtaposition w. 'white' & 'night'...and hah, that rhymes now that I think about it... Your lowercase 'i' suits the "unseen" thing, though I still don't fancy lowercase 'i's'...but it suits you & this poem.
"bathed in black against houses
owned by neighbors you
don’t know"
I think 'you' could be on the same line as "don't know".
Or not. I have a feeling you are not one who takes suggestions from plebeians like myself.
I love those lines--they have nice narration.
"i slip in closer
the switchblade hot
against my leg; you don’t
detect my presence
until my arm wraps
lustfully around your
throat, blade pressed to
your panicked cheek"
OW.
"into the bushes you
planted last spring
hidden from god’s wiry smile"
Ew, God. LoL I love this.
"eye-level"
Oh, you use hyphens.
Me lovers hyphens when they're used correctly.
Good luck.
This is creepy.
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What were your two thoughts?
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Will be back to comment more. That should suffice for now.
~meg
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