callous
trying to forget
I swallowed bees
until I could see them
crawl under my skin.
how I wished
they would split me open
allowing my organs
to escape
as I lay there,
weighed down by
insecurity
leaving me subject
to your hands.
you had eyes
that were lights
and a voice like snakes
that would crawl
across my skin.
I remember the black
of your teeth,
how they each seemed
to scream
for execution.
it was vile,
the way you swarmed
my body
and held me under
your giant thumb,
whispering
secrets that
this
is the
life
when I knew clearly
that you ate tar
each morning
and would
rob me of the skin
I had grown into
so comfortably.
but still
I endured your gust,
chased your waves
as I swallowed saltwater
like mouthfuls
of nails.
you explained
that this is the way
to grow,
I was becoming
godly
at your feet
and felt lifted with part of you
inside.
but when the door closed
behind you
and my perception
gathered
I couldn't help but notice
the blood
flushing my
cheeks
Author notes
i'm afraid to dig any deeper, a series might emerge :/
In a list
A contest entry
- see not the flame, know the artist, and understand blood. (invite only) by apples fell.
400 points, ended September 25, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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"trying to forget
I swallowed bees
until I could see them
crawl under my skin."
Ew...here's to what-the-fuck imagery done exceptionally well amigo.
"how I wished
they would split me open"
I don't think a genie would approve of this wish. How about another wish instead?
Your poetry is very graphic in detail...a shitload of imagery that never fails to disgust me...in a good way.
"allowing my organs
to escape"
Don't get all suicidal on me!
Ahaha
"as I lay there,
weighed down by
insecurity
leaving me subject
to your hands."
I like "leaving me subject/to your hands."
"and a voice like snakes
that would crawl
across my skin."
I like snake metaphors.
A LOT.
"I remember the black
of your teeth,"
That's worse than yellowing teeth. Very gruesome indeed.
"how they each seemed
to scream
for execution."
Fucking loved this ditty here.
My favorite part, maybe.
"rob me of the skin
I had grown into
so comfortably."
To borrow Chandler Bing's phrase...could you BE any sadder? (only the first 3 words are his
)
"& my perception
gathered"
I didn't really think 'gathered' needed another line break, but you always do short line breaks & long ass stanzas anyways. I love the word 'perception'.
I wouldn't mind reading a series of this awesome shit.
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then you're in luck, the series emerged :/
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This, again, is so good - it has a vibrancy found only where a unique voice is gathered. So that said, learn to trust your voice, even in the face of what I offer next.
Your images and talent are undeniable - but, for me (and I suffer this issue the same, which is why it stands out) you need to refine those endeavours more. If you manage this, and I doubt not that you can, your voice will enrich and rise. It's mainly an art of cutting excesses away. Superfluous words and such that can sometimes conceal a message. If a reader is too focused on the joins, they they can miss the moments.
An example:
"I remember the black
of your teeth,
how they each seemed
to scream
for execution."
could have been ...
"I recall your black
teeth-
each seemed
to scream
for execution."
That's a quick off the cuff, but I hope it explains what I mean. Really, as you do such, make sure you do in your voice. Always listen to others, but ensure you filter what you hear.
That especially is so, for all I have said above.
-
SERIES! SERIES!
If this came out for the first one, imagine what the finale would be like Everything so magnificent and great. I haven't been able to find anything to critique, so I feel like one of those fluff commentors I really liked this part, especially with the line breaks-
"and held me under
your giant thumb,
whispering
secrets that
this
is the
life"
That part reminds me of a poem of mine, just a gillion times better
Awesome job, you're going to do fabulously in the contest for sure 
Jeanette*~
-
it was vile,
the way you swarmed
my body
and held me under
your giant thumb,
whispering
secrets that
this
is the
life
Yeah, I agree. This went beyond mere skin, and even blasted through the bone...but it still smeared so much marrow, that I feel another mouth can and will be reborn just so it can catch another taste of your brilliance.
This took me there.
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first stanza was my favorite.
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i wouldn't mind a series
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baby baby baby!!! you have done this so well... it's just raw and yum... your first one makes an attempt with the incision.... the second on cuts the skin and the last one kills!
even the word tar looks perfect... you should make the series!
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Yessss, do it!! We all love series! I do anyway. AND, I hope you're happy that I suffered a great deal of eye trauma trying to read this with the creepy colours!! Admittedly, I do have terrible eyesight though
CONGRATULATIONS, the first stanza of the poem is officially epic! I know I shouldn't play favourites, but the whole concept of bees crawling under skin is so disturbing and really does it for me. I love your twisted mind! You get better with every read 
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I also had trouble reading this john actually...LOL.
You bitch... I guess me and Allyce are going to
have to get stronger prescription lenses...
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lol i'm sorry to all you oldies with yr cataracts and all
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LOL. You know it...
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Tell me about it! Should have put my contacts in, these glasses are so damn old!
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LOL. Mine are ancient and my contacts get dry as a witches cunt if I don't wet the damn things all the time. Everyone says I look cute in glasses, but I think they are only saying that cause they can see perfectly fine...
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loved the imagery - and i thought the ending image was perfect. you have quite a unique voice.
good luck in the contest.
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This seems way more focused for you and for that, I found it truly well written. Evolving perhaps? Well whatever it is, it's strong. You nail it in that last stanza. A fine entry, indeed.
Thanks for the entry and good luck.
;
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Powerful
That last stanza was executed perfectly. Love this poem love this writer.Again Happy Birthday to the best writer on here.
Z
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Oh, this is beautiful. It entraps me. I can't get your words out of your head. This is so powerful, and true to the soul- every word. AMAZING.
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happy birthday lovey.
I love the edits to the first stanza, but mostly, I love you.
-meghie
`
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. you know already.
-joan.
.
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It falls with such gentle drops at first like a cascade then it lifts the heartbeats and fairly pumps. You make me wanna hug you soooo tight you can't breathe but that would probably be scary so I'll leave one here instead Chez xx
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thought the first stanza was kind of weak/wordy in comparison to the second and third, which were both perfect. the way you're using images now is so great. before you would go overboard and so it wouldn't hit me, it was like using too many special effects. but lately you've been more subtle and creative with them.
but still
I endured your gust,
chased your waves
as I swallowed saltwater
like mouthfuls
of nails.
incred. and the ending was so beaut i almost couldn't stand it. happy birthday. i want to read you for years
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