Heavenly green eyes
staring lovingly at me
my heart yearns for her.
A contest entry
- Japanese Poetry by yukitosumi.
700 points, ended August 29, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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beautiful...
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This is a nice haiku, but I feel like it is a little heavy on the adverbs. To me, in a perfect world, there would be no adverbs. Okay that's a lie, but I think that adverbs are overly used (mostly by me, which is why they annoy me so much)
I think, personally, that this piece might work a little better without the overly (lol) descriptive words. LESS IS MORE. The more you say with the fewer words, the better. It's not the kind of poem where I need you to tell me every little detail. In Japanese art, there is as much, if not more, beauty in "the empty spaces" as there is in the filled ones. In a Japanese flower arrangement or wood block, the most central element is the negative space. The same goes for haiku. You not only have to think about what you say, but about what you do NOT say. To me, that is the "do" of haiku. I hope I was of help.
If you decide to tweek your poem (take your time) send me a note and I will check back and reevaluate!
Best,
El
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