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Waterfalls





Skin flows in endless blankets,
pulses quickening with every
careful breath;
radiant air with hints of
sugarcane and cinnamon
with each succulent taste
our kisses create.

Waterfalls suppressed by the
sounds of our thundering hearts;
like graceful elephants stampeding
through wide open fields
or oceans roaring on shores of
distant beaches...

Passion in the silken embraces,
our bodies intertwined like woven
cloth with fine finesse:

True love in the core of fire





In a list

A contest entry

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Comments


  • PrInCeSs AnAsTaCiA
    August 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful
    thanks for entering good luck

  • Poetryintheblood gold member
    August 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your beautifully spoken and sensual entry, good luck in my contest, Josie


  • notorious
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "Skin flows in endless blankets,"
    Good beginning line...'endless' is a way to describe it...humans have a shitload of skin!! Hahaha.

    "pulses quickening with every
    careful breath;"
    'quickening'=a gerund...very awkward. Change it maybe to 'quickens', which sounds snappier & isn't a gerund.

    "radiant air with hints of
    sugarcane and cinnamon"
    NICE. 'radiant'...air can be so abstract. "sugarcane & cinnamon"<--damn, tasty

    "with each succulent taste
    our kisses create."
    'succulent' as in juicy...good diction there.

    "Waterfalls suppressed by the
    sounds of our thundering hearts;"
    'suppressed'...great word choice. I think the 'our' is a little obvious--I mean, you don't need another one after the first stanza.

    "like graceful elephants stampeding
    through wide open fields
    or oceans roaring on shores of
    distant beaches..."
    'stampeding' & 'roaring'...no more gerunds for you...Hahaha

    'wide' & 'open'...choose one or use neither of them. I think it's a bit much.

    Could be changed to something similar to (to get rid of the gerunds):
    "like a stampede of graceful elephants"

    "Passion in the silken embraces"
    "in the" sounds a tad amateur...maybe 'within', which sounds a lot more ethereal & is only one word with the same syllable count as "in the".

    "fine finesse"
    Say that 5x fast, I dare you... Hehe

    Good luck Tell me if you make edits.