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Empty

The empty old house
stands mute and uninviting,
doors locked, windows closed.
The unweeded front garden
proclaims:"Love has gone away".

Author notes

Option #1 - Anglicised tanka form

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Papers
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I've never written a Tanka myself, but you wrote this nicely! I love how they can say so much with so few words, don't you? Good luck in the contest!


  • yukitosumi
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh this is lovely. I like this very much! My one complaint is the repeated use of the word "now". "The now empty house" "the now unweeded garden" So perhaps consider rewording the fourth line? Maybe the weeds themselves could be the ones proclaiming?
    I suggest playing with it a little bit. If you do decide to make some changes, let me know and I will comment again! I feel like this will be a really good poem!
    Best,
    El


    • Shenton silver member
      August 13, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      The 'nows' have now gone!

      Thankyou for your detailed and much appreciuated comments.

      Best wishes from 'down-under'.

      Shenton


      • yukitosumi
        August 13, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Oh this is much better and it was already very good! I like this tanka a great deal.
        Best wishes,
        El
        P.S: I am having so much fun with all of this feedback from the entrants! It makes me giddy!