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Something Less Beautiful

I could have jumped
but God said, hey kid

you ain’t got no wings

so I looked down instead,
cried like a baby

and watered
Sylvia's pot plants below

 

she never shared her stash.

 

I could have shaved
my pretty little wrists

like women do when they forget

the promise of Calgon


but God said, no way, Jose,
you’ve bled enough

so I smoked on the stoop
with some bad angels

who swore they’d rather fuck me
than kill me -

 

the bastards. 

 

I should have been

less poetic with my prayers

 

hated hope

more than myself 

 

maybe then,

He would have kept his distance

 

maybe then,

He would have said

 

I deserved

 

something less beautiful

than natural causes. 

 

Author notes

PROMPT: Distance

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 75 of 75

  • Rhiannon-Rose
    July 24
    Edit | Reply
    wow, i love your poems!!!
    seriously, they are beautiful!


  • Still Standing gold member
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    I love your dark poetry...well I love dark poetry period, but you make it so beautiful to me I enjoy your work immensely!!!!


  • Allyce May gold member
    August 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is an interesting piece of writing, laden with great imagery. I particularly liked:

    "I could have shaved
    my pretty little wrists

    like women do when they forget
    the promise of Calgon"

    The whole poem has that raw feeling about it and I like how you've interperated the prompt. I'm impressed - not sure what to say really

    Thank you for sharing.

  • ccfly
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nice piece! I love the style.. it's simple but so real and personal. It makes the reader connect with the character and setting. Keep up the great work!


  • Nicolette gold member
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well, I'm glad you weren't less poetic, Lane. I liked the voice here, the familiarity of it as it allows the reader to become part of the conversation. Of course the reference to Sylvia Plath adds just that right touch of cynisism (is that the right word?) - or perhaps reality. The ending is simply great. A different but very authentic take on the prompt. Thank you for this entry.

    ~ Nicolette


  • turtletacular
    August 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    i loved it. its imagery was amazing and it made me feel like i was there watching you, or even being you.
    im gonna keep it short n' sweet. Amazing.


  • fanaa
    August 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow.. i find it stunning breathtaking amazing... a window to another world i get lost in...


  • raye-xotic
    August 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This is amazing

    I love what you decided to italicize & your blunt, narrative language. Honestly, it feels like this happened to you...and like it's happening to me when I read!!

    Love the reference to Plath of course...a touch of Einstein genius, I say...except, he didn't write poetry...as far as we know.

    "something less beautiful
    than natural causes."
    Killed me with its goodness, though the entire thing was amazing!!

    -Raye.


  • the atlantic
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow this is beautiful, simple but full of deep imagery, and an excellent take on the prompt. i fuckin loved that ending, unlike anything i had read before. and fuck sylvia for not sharing, what a bitch


  • apoeticinjustice gold member
    August 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    brilliant! I'm too sleepy this morning to leave worthy comments, but I hope you know your writing always leaves me in awe and hopeful that a little piece of your talent may rub off on me as I read your collection of thoughts.
    Rory


  • IronMaiden1236
    August 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I can't speak..you know how I feel..your words....


    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      yeah, I know. Back at you and more. Love, Lane

  • Topnotchsy
    August 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I wish I knew how you do it (so I could do it too.) Every single poem I've read of yours is a beautifully painted picture, a window into someone's life in a way that makes it feel like I am actually there. Stunning!!

    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I always felt less is more but it doesn't mean it has to be drab. Simple life is what it is, and writing sort of goes along with it.
      I am so happy you like to read what I have to say, and I am so appreciative of your comments. Thank you. Love, Lane


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    August 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very raw and stark Lane, like a poignant streaming thought. I admire your poetic voice.


    All the best.
    mj.


    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Michael, I can always count on you, sweet brother, to make me smile. Love, Lane


  • PerVirtuous
    August 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hart Crane whispered to me, quite unsympathetically, "If only knowing how to write was knowing how to live." I hit him up the side of the head with Richard Brautigan and watched them both plummet into the icy waters off the bridge.

    Their human disguises didn't fool me. No sooner did they hit the water when Kahlil Gibran applauded and held up a sign.

    "5.9" it said. He is such a prick.


  • ArtFullyMe gold member
    August 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    some excellent images in this, and though the cried like a baby one evokes the right image, I suspect it could be much stronger if worded some other way.

    hated hope
    more than myself

    that says a mouthful

    good luck

    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for your insightful comment and for the cute yellow guys I do appreciate both. Love, Lane

  • silverfish
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i was ok until 'natural causes'. whew. note to self: don't read ms. smith when drunk. -silver


    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      lol....a sloshedfish? hmmmmm

      c'mere you slippery devil
      Love, Lane


  • arafura gold member
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Incredible! You are a wonderful writer.


    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      you have made my day Thank you so very much for reading my work. Love, Lane


  • nordicsky silver member
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Having created something so special He (but in my mind’s eye it will always be She) was not about to let it go to waste.

    Thanks for posting this,
    Love Peter


    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Peter: As always no poem of mine would be worth writing if I didn't have you to read it. I mean this. Love, Lane


  • Myjoy gold member
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed this, I think it's because I can relate so well. Seems like something I would think on a night when the wine run dry to early. Well done.


    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Joy...your comment and your applause is so very appreciated by me. Thank you. Love, Lane


  • Thoughts-of-Soloman
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Great write for the contest!
    I've recently written something of 'spit and anger', found it like a bit of an exorcism. Right now I don't really know what I think about leaning this way though... for me anyway. At the same time I think it really good to face full on, whatever presents itself to us, to hear its voice and then be able to give mind to its reconciliation in the 'larger picture' so to speak.

    Excellent write!

    Sol


    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Sol, your comment was wonderful to read, and I thank you so much for taking the time to do so. Love, Lane


  • Cat gold member
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    what is good about this piece is that it is unexpected- it has some really good, innovative lines running through it.

    a couple of the lines don't work for me- the calgon line is a bit cheesy sounding compared to the strength of the nature of the rest- and no way jose- also CRIED like a BABY-

    i understand the voice of the poem is meant
    to sound a certain way but when those lines hit- it takes it from fresh voiced to cheesey in 1.6 seconds..

    the bastards line and its buildup is really good-

    the idea of the piece is very fresh and with a little bit of tuneup and digging a bit deeper you could have an incredible piece here..

    good to see this

    m

    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      mary - thank you so much for your comment. You're right about digging a bit deeper, but it was all I could do to write what I did at the time. I would love to hear more of your advice whenever possible...I respect your poetry and your insight. Love, Lane


      • Cat gold member
        August 15, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        I guess the point is that no poem is ever done... so the digging may come at a later point..?


  • daviscth silver member
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    WOW!!!


  • Joan-of-Arc
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I just love to read this .

    -joan.

    .

  • tara wilson gold member
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    See what I mean, kc - there's a list of comments as long as a donkey's leg!


  • EvilKate
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The best thing I can remember reading from you. Perfect use of line breaks and the simplicity of language belies the complexity of the whole. Wondrous poetry, done exceedingly well.


  • malmadre gold member
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    So very down to earth..without having to jump, the human emotion just sort of tries to turn us inside out, and you can do that with your writing. Expressive and real!


  • BehindTheShadow
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Almost speechless, this is an amazing, raw piece. Absolutely love it!


  • Riamh
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    *points to all the other comments*
    Can't say anything more than what has been expressed already.
    This poem touched my very soul.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is in your very highest class, and that means the highest class there is. Unbelievable poetry, I've read throug the comments and feel I can add so little save to say this

    WOW

    Not Bad!!!!



  • Erik Ambrose gold member
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Calgon's promise may have been empty
    but your words aren't
    taking me away each time I read.


  • JohnnyD gold member
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sometimes truth can only whisper in on the wings of darkness, and yet, such perceived truths have a habit
    of igniting one's path to enlightenment.

    this is such a write...brilliance


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can't say more than has already been said - so I won't



    Love
    Sue


  • notorious
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Something more than perfection,

    that's what this write is.

    Grr, you almost inspire envy, but I'm too lazy to keep up enviousness...though, you have me almost trying...


    Freaking loved every word--none of it was filler.
    All of it was good.

    "and watered
    Sylvia's pot plants below"
    Ahhhh, great reference!!!

    "she never stared her stash."
    Strikes me as poignant...like everything you write

    "like women do when they forget
    the promise of Calgon"
    OH WOW. Love this simile, though it makes me think of Calgon perfume...LoL.

    "you’ve bled enough"
    So powerful...ahh!

    "so I smoked on the stoop
    with some bad angels"
    Rapscallions anyone?
    No nicotine for you. This is really good.

    "who swore they’d rather fuck me
    than kill me -"
    Not the kind of self-esteem I'd be fishing for, but this is incredibly...deep & boldly stated...it means what it says & nothing more (although it means a lot so...)

    "the bastards."
    Definitely deserved its own line separation.

    "I should have been
    less poetic with my prayers"
    You do scathing so well--what DON'T you do well? *stares at you for flaws*
    Love this!!!

    "hated hope
    more than myself"
    Wow. Wow. WOW. HOLY HELL!!!
    If you couldn't tell, I'm in awe.

    "maybe then,
    He would have kept his distance

    maybe then,
    He would have said

    I deserved
    something less beautiful
    than natural causes."
    EPITOME OF PERFECTION,
    THIS ENTIRE THING WAS

    OH MY GOD!!!!

    Jessica

    • Dalaney gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      wow...if you keep writing comments like this I'm going to be spoiled rotten! lol Thank you SO much! Love, Lane

  • Mairi bheag gold member
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You sneak in, you post a poem, you sneak out. Folk line up almost instantly to tell you how great it is. And it is!

    I am in tears reading this. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. How do you do it? How do you cram so much emotional intensity into so few words? What I would give to be able to write this well!

    A day without a poem from you is like a day when I don't wake up, a day when I have to eat bread-on-bread for three meals, a flat day, a cardboard day, a day without bird-song except for a peripherally-heard caw from a crow, a monochrome day, a day when all edges are hard and sharp, an impoverished day, a bad day to die.





  • Sesheta
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Words are cheap ~ this is not. I just gotta say...wow.


  • sailor ptolema
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Bookmarked, so I can read it when I can't write anything .

    -meg


  • Pure Thought silver member
    August 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    *hug*

    NO words, just a book mark and multiple reads.


  • Thomas Scott gold member
    August 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Wide open.

    Great piece, Lane.
    Good luck in the contest.


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What a piece of honesty this is. Hope is a powerful thing, makes absolutely no sense sometimes, and comes from a different part of ourselves. The same place poems like these come from, I think. Wonderfully done, Lane.


  • marc creamore
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    F$%^%$king brilliant as usual Lanie and hey, I agree with the sailor, when we gonna be able to get our hands on a book of yours?!?!?!?

    • Dalaney gold member
      August 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Maybe when I'm old and gray I'll have enough to say. Until then, you're stuck with me here Thank you so much for always making me feel pretty special. Love, Lane


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    August 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow... just wow
    I am fairly speechless.

    Is that picture really you? It's pretty. hehe

    • Dalaney gold member
      August 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      yes, it's me, and the reason you are speechless is because you have a mouth full of my Pringles...your turn to buy Love, Lane


  • moluv10
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is an exceptional write Lane. It has so much depth and realness to it. You continue to impress me with your writing. Best of luck in the contest.

    • Dalaney gold member
      August 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Maurice...I'll keep the light on. You bring the ice cream. We'll write some lyrics on the front porch Love, Lane


  • Cannonsfire
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    When you give me little pieces of yourself like this I try not to cry, I try to smile with the same strength you show when you write yourself like this. Love, C

    • Dalaney gold member
      August 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Cheryl, we need our girl talk soon. My fault for the delay, but I'll be around with my bottle of brandy so be ready Love, Lane


  • sailor ptolema
    August 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Lane, I would love to read a book of your words.

    I don't know what else to say.

    ~Meg

    `

    • Dalaney gold member
      August 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Meg... If anyone should write a book...it's you. I will remind you of this when I am standing in line at Barnes and Noble waiting for you to give me an autograph Love, Lane


  • breedluv gold member
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is one of my many favorites of yours. I think you show more of your soul in this piece than most of your writes. You're an incredible voice, Laney.


    • Dalaney gold member
      August 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Russell...all I want to do is hug you right now. Thank you. Laney


  • Joan-of-Arc
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think this is bloody fantastic, and no words that I can say here will do it justice !

    -joan.

    .

    • Dalaney gold member
      August 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Joan I think you've just made my night Thank you so much. I wasn't sure if I should post this or not. Love, Lane


      • Joan-of-Arc
        August 13, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Well, I can say the same about your poem . I hope to be able to write like this .

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