I wish
upon a star.
Glowing brightly tonight
it twinkles with its starry light.
Tonight.
My wish
for painless earth
may be answered someday.
For in dying there is no pain,
I hope.
God's love
will stop this pain.
When I enter heaven,
golden gates closing behind me,
the end.
No war
is worth this pain,
this strife is much in vain.
End this war for all our sakes...please.
No war.
What's love
in painful earth
but simple emotion.
One that is only vanity.
Love's war.
Small star,
grant me my wish
for painless earth today,
so that my life will continue.
No pain.
A contest entry
- - Poetry Formed - XXXIII - by Arkbear.
650 points, ended August 22, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Hello Justin
Let's middle align this and see what we have
I wish
upon a star.
Glowing brightly tonight
it twinkles with its starry light.
Tonight.
My wish
for painless earth
may be answered someday.
For in dying there is no pain,
I hope.
God's love
will stop this pain.
When I enter heaven,
golden gates closing behind me,
the end.
No war
is worth this pain,
this strife is much in vain.
End this war for all our sakes...please.
No war.
What's love
in painful earth
but simple emotion.
One that is only vanity.
Love's war.
Small star,
grant me my wish
for painless earth today,
so that my life will continue.
No pain.Ok.....first and foremost....aesthetics....
..I know a Free Member can only do so much, but even as a Left-Aligned write, it should resemble this..>>>>
OO
OOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OO
OO
OOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OO
ETC..
The Aesthetics are a great deal of your score in my contests.....and once you find and pen your Theme, then Aesthetics must be perfected.....and grammatical choices are crucial for that flawless Form ~
*For in dying* .....that is awkward ~
*pain* used 3 X's
*Painful...painless* used as well.......never repeat a word this many times....it takes my brain backwards in thought.....and I want to move forward
*war* is used 3 X's as well ~
*star....starry*
*earth* used 3 X's ~
Syllable count is good, from what I can tell....meter and Flow is disrupted......for me......as those repeats cause meto stumble.....time to break out that Thesaurus!
Nice Theme.....a tad cliche'....but over-all...not bad
Good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
-
A very nice write. Genuine feeling.
-
lovely
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