morning spider's web
jewelled with brilliant dew-drops
gifts for a dead fly
Author notes
Option #1 - Haiku
In Australia we say brill-yant
The Macquarie Australian Dictionary gives me 'jewelled'
A contest entry
- Japanese Poetry by yukitosumi.
700 points, ended August 29, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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nice write for the prompt . . good luck in the contest . .
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I really like the concept of this haiku, however, I feel like the second line is awkward. Something about the words "jeweled" (which is spelled with one L, by the way
) and "shiny". I feel like they fight against each other. However, I tried reading it twice by removing one or the other and it sounds unbalanced. I would suggest, if you so choose, experimenting with different words to create more musicality. Maybe words with a more airy feel. "Shiny" is a very harsh word.
If you do decide to change your poem at all, please send me a note or a comment on the contest page.
If you leave it as is, it is still a good haiku, but I feel like it has a great deal of potential if you give it some more love!
Keep me posted!
El
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I do appreciate your detailed 'crit', Thankyou for it.
I have amended "Shiny' to 'brilliant'(in Oz we say 'brill-yant')'
I've consulted my Macquarie Australian Dictionary and it seems that we have found yet another example of the way in which 'English' words are spelled differently on opposite sides of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.
Here, in Australia, we spell your jeweled with a double 'L'.
I reiterate my thanks and send you my best wishes from 'down-under'.
Shenton -
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I much prefer the brilliant!
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that there was a difference in spelling! Another one of those grey/gray things huh?
Hope things are well down-under!
And good luck in the olympics, just not more than us!
El
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