I close my eyes in search of a sign
But all my thoughts make me feel more behind
No one knows the way that I feel
Not even I can tell what's real
I've lived in the past for so long
I don't even know what's right and what's wrong
I wish you'd tell me what to do
But you don't even have a clue
I don't know if I should run and scream
Or close my eyes and wake up in a dream
All my thoughts make me doubt my worth
Cause you're not here with me on Earth
I'll admit this decision was tough
But the way things are just isn't enough
So when I go to sleep tonight
That's when I'm gonna take my life
So please let me tell you what is real
Please let me try and tell you how I feel
Cause if you can't be here with me
I'll close my eyes and I'll be free
A contest entry
- XxHeartBrokenxX by HisFavoriteMistake.
650 points, ended August 17, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - When Things Fall Apart by reckless abandon.
390 points, ended August 23, 2008, 30 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let It All Out!!! (Pws allowed and more than one) by Intricate Wordsmith.
450 points, ended August 24, 2008, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 'Top Billing' Poet to my Page - 2nd Annual Contest - Prompt Anything by Florida Sunshine.
525 points, ended August 30, 2008, 28 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best! by Priest Winter.
450 points, ended September 16, 2008, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me your soul by poeticcaresses.
600 points, ended September 22, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by Dragonbabyx3.
800 points, ended July 6, 73 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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A wonderful, but sad write. I enjoyed the read, but there is so much more that could go in it. I agree with the comment under mine by ReasoningsThreat, You could use more descriptions to make it more clear, and a little bit more imagery. Good Luck and Thankyou for entering my contest!
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This had a good monologue theme- and the image was very clear though it could definitely use more descriptions. In this phrase :"So when I go to sleep tonight
That's when I'm gonna take my life"- I would maybe suggest- So as I fall into sleep tonight, I'll drift away and leave my life. (or something along those lines just because it seems a little rounded to say that you're going to sleep, but you're going to kill yourself. Or am I seeing it wrong?
Good however. -
Wow. Amazing. Stunning... Thanks for entering
~Lae -
First of all, congratulations on all the trophies this has won you. It's a little too sad for me, personally, but there is obviously a market for poetry like this or you wouldn't have the number of comments and trophies you have!
Also, because rhyme is not my favorite, I had a hard time following it throughout this piece - it seemed a bit forced in some places and that caused me to trip over the cadence of reading it aloud. I didn't really like the fact that you slipped into improper word usage near the end ("cause" and "gonna") but it seemed like you did it because to utilize the proper words, you would sacrifice the beat.
Nonetheless, thank you very much for your entry and good luck in the contest!
-Beàn Sidħe -
Wow! You've won a trophy for every contest you have entered this sad poem in, and deserving too I might add. Great imagery, great flow and the ryhming is ok, just a bit forced in places. Still you've done well here, so thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
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Lots of sadness resonates through this and when I got to the end I was shaking my head saying, please no ... so if that was the intended effect, it worked well for you. thank you for entering
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The poem radiates quite some sadness here and you definately managed to make the reader feel what you're feeling.
the rhyme feels a bit forced here and there, but nothing too bad actually.
thank you for entering the contest!
Leander -
Thanks for the entry - good luck in my contest!
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You've managed to write a very credible poem, this is done very well. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Great rhyming and emotion. Thank you for entering!
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This piece is utterly upsetting and beautiful at the same time. The rhyme made the entire poem flow very nicely. Thanks for entering and well done.
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very deep, good write
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Very good work.
Thanks for entering
Raker
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""I'll admit this decision was tough
But the way things are just isn't enough"
So sad when people think that's the only way of solving going through a hard time. well written
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Great write keep up the awesome work , i loved this i wish you the best of luck in my contest and thank you for entering this piece. i really liked the lines:
"I'll admit this decision was tough
But the way things are just isn't enough
So when I go to sleep tonight
That's when I'm gonna take my life"
*~*bee*~* -
interesting and its hard to read you really should change the background
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It's hard to read?
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it was all white even the lettering and i had to highlight to read it
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Hmmm, that's odd. I'm sorry about that. The background should be black with white writing. Thank you for taking the time to read it and comment!
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Very good. Nice imagery and full of emotion. Thanks for entering!
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Wow
This is deep. I like how you told your story and made it rhyme. Great job. Good luck to you in the contest. -
It was very imilar to mine
It was a lot like my first and last stanza. Well written. Overall a good piece with a relatable message.
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A beautiful but sad piece. I see much talent in this poem which obviously says alot about the poet. :] Although I am not too big peronsally on suicide poetry due to a personal experience in the recent past months and although you did not read the rules, I must say I really enjoyed this and must admit that this is among one of my favorites in the contest so I'll let it slide. ;] Very very well done, my friend, and never give up hope no matter the situation. :]
By the Lady, Blessed be.
~Winter~
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this was sad.. i guess i had thoughts like this too. well for a different reason, but it just never seemed like an option in the end, because i think there is things i can do to make my life better, so i am living to the fulest and not regretting a thing..
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I agree. I never actually thought about going through with it, it just crossed my mind. Everytime I thought about it I realized that it wasn't worth it. Thanks for the comment!
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You have a series of 4 lined stanzas with the syllable count running at 9, 10, 8, 8. You maintained this throughout, barring the 1st line of the 2nd stanza. This could easily be fixed by changing the "I've" to "I have".
I noted a few areas where the rhyme seemed forced. In this situation, I find it best (though painful at times) to replace the troublesome word that caused the forced rhyme in the first place....the one you had difficulty rhyming with.
I also noted places where it seemed that the rhythm had been sacrificed to accomodate the syllable count. Some of these areas can be fixed with a simple flip of words. I think this poem would be best served if you left out any unnecessary words and aimed for a steady 8 line syllable count throughout. Also, read the poem aloud and listen for places where the rhythm falls off....where the steady "ba bum ba bum ba bum" becomes "ba bum ba bum ba ba ba bum".
Anyway, that is the constructive criticism that I have to offer. As always, you can use it or discard it at your will. Thanks for your entry!
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Very well written, excellent rhyming. =] A very powerful and emotional write. Nice piece, thank you for the entry.
x-Pretty-Odd-x <3 -
I hope you were just writing this for a prompt. I do agree with you -- I don't think anyone can really 'know' how you feel, but we can certainly relate.
My first poem--reflects being lost-- and a world that looks at you, but never sees you.
This is full of feeling and passion... Poetically flows like a river carrying a sea of feelings.
Beautiful, yet so very sad. It makes me cry--just by the imagery and feelings you've penned into this.
I truly wish you the best.... Thank you so much for entering this into the contest ~ I do appreciate the opportunity to read and review your work.
Best of luck to you,
Florida Sunshine
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Wow!
My dear this was an extremely powerful write.
The depth of emotion and longing was huge.
It really made me feel sympathy for your
hopeless plight. I love your style of writing
as it has the power to draw others in to
your personal experience and make them feel
what you're feeling. Nicely written
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Well done on your previous trophies here, you do a great job on sending your emotion to the reader in this piece, sad and dark, well done and best to you
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seems you have entered a few contests with this so congrats on the two silvers and the greeny
of this poem, nice quartrains of free-verse though the lack of puncuation lets one fly through the poem at a frantic pace, adding to the layer of desperation of the poem. Nice sketch of the vexed soul.
Though scott is right.
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I wrote this one awhile back and I never truly wanted to kill myself, the poem just kinda turned out that way. Other than the suicide aspect of this poem, it is how I really feel tho. Thank you for all of your comments on my poems! I should really try writing in different formats, I just got comfortable and went with it. I will take your suggestion and check out that page. Thanks again!!!
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thanks for entering.
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I liked it up till the "That's when I'm gonna take my life" line. NOTHING in this world is worth taking your life over. I did like the rest. Scott
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i like this alot. very good.
Chelsea
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