white daisies in bloom
brighten the meadow
cows chew cuds
Author notes
Haiku.Text changed.
In a list
A contest entry
- Japanese Poetry by yukitosumi.
700 points, ended August 29, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I like the subject matter a great deal, and the whole 5-7-5 thing works often, but in this particular piece it seems forced. It feels unbalanced. Do what feels right in the moment. I would consider rewording the second line. I won't give specific suggestions because I want this piece to be yours. I like the first line, and I love the grazing cows. I feel like it is unnecessary to say that the cows are grazing, since you are saying that they are chewing cud. Simple is always best in haiku.
I hope you aren't offended by so many criticisms, I know how off-putting it can be. However, I would not be taking the time to give you such a lengthy comment if I didn't feel like this could be a really excellent haiku.
If you do not choose to edit this piece, that is perfectly fine! People are giving me suggestions on my poems all the time that I disagree with!
If you DO make any changes at all, please write a note on the contest page letting me know so I can check back.
I hope you consider entering more haiku! or maybe another form?
Best wishes and never stop writing
El
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